Husband left after 1 yr of marriage😜

[Veritysoul]

Hi everyone.
So the story is that husband rushed me into marriage last year as he was getting a job abroad and I wouldn't have been able to see him without being married (we'd been together rather a long time prior to marriage). We have 2 kids age a 6mnths and 5.
So, whilst he was away working, I can only gather he had time and space to figure what he wanted but to me he became very distant and disinterested when I called to keep in touch. Like he was reading something on a screen or something and not paying attention. He apparently kept telling me he was lonely and upset but apparently I was not listening and am an uncaring person. To be honest I thought keeping in touch and tagging him in everything we did (me n kids and his family etc) was helping him. But on reflection I guess what he needed was intimacy...I needed it too but was so busy with the baby and my son (who also had been having behavioural issues) that I didn't realise how bad things were. Plus H just gave me one word answers and didn't initiate convo and despite his loneliness all I saw on social media was pics of him out partying wirh his new workmates, going for massages, gym swimming etc. Took out a loan for a shiny new car.All this time he never once asked me how I was coping (To be fair I would tell him anyway which prob didn't help and usually ended in an argument with him telling me how bad it was for him and how he's love to be rolling about with the kids😜) or asked about the kids and even stopped ringing to speak to them. Still, only a few weeks before he told me that he had found love with someone else on Boxing day, he was pushing for us to go out to live with him. My ds had been looking forwards all year to seeing daddy, had jabs done , I paid about 600 quid in medical tests for us all and new passports, and told ds teacher he wouldn't b back next term. Ds was petrified of jabs and theres me comforting saying it'll be worth it to see daddy. However, boxing day I got the text, he's fallen in love with another and didn't love me anymore and hadn't for ages. Though apparently I'd been given plenty chances?he never even took his wedding ring over with him(he's lost weight n it didn't fit, but...).so he came back for a few weeks while I had our other ds.
It turns out he met a young (17 years age difference) Filipino woman who he would have gone with but she had turned him down when he said he had family and kids since she'd been messed about by a married man previously who didn't leave wife for her. This only made him like her more and he has contact with her...so she wasn't really serious about backing off and wrecking a home. The first day I knew was awful, I Checked my msged as I'd sent him a video of baby and the msge I saw was I'm sorry my heart belongs to a orher or something. I thought it'd been going on ages but he says only 2 weeks but he knows she's the one she's young fit and a lift caring person and he sent me a pic of her, to 'let me see. Said something about me fighting for him. He expected me to do that. To which oh replied I can never competewith that. And I was angry at that point. I just wanted divorce. He also i might add said he slept with 2 whores who loved him😜He msged why not and more confusing msged ensued. Anyway I obv. Didn't fight enough and now he's made his decision he loves her and wants to be with her...And kept apologizing and he admits he feels sorry for me and that he's a coward, selfish etc
I suppose i had it coming as ill admit that our relationship has never been peaches and cream. I guess I had some issues and he had some very odd issues when I think about it but I still invested into the relationship.
Just wondered what people think. Have I been uncaring, not fulfilling my husband's needs( he does say he expected too much) but it's making it worse for me him being so nice about everything. He's said financially he'll help any way he can(I do work and put money into house but it's in his m
Name) today he said I can have house if I want but the I don't earn enough to take on mortgage unless anyone knows a way round this. I hmgave him 30000from sale of my house so really f**d about this. But he's said financially he'll help. But then, he also said he loves me. So when I said I couldn't trust him now he just said he cares even though he doesn't love. Also hes not great with money even tho earns a lot.I just went to get through all this so I can focus on kids but it's just awful. I've only cried twice as my viewpoint is that he's not worth it after how he's treated us but does that mean I'm unfeeling? I don't know. I think we'll be better off really but just want it to be over and it never really will be😥

Thanks Returning,
I can tell that u know your stuff because what you say is very accurate. It sounds daft but I feel sorry for him in a way because of what he's throwing away but obv. the lure of the Filipina and newfound happiness away from family is stronger so I could never forgive him.

@Returning2thesceneofthecrime Interesting, thanks. Really not good for families. Id be really cross if my dh took up an offer like that!

Unfortunately, I have seen this play out more than once.

It is a strange place - good for families if you are together but terrible if you are not.

I don’t care how good the money is, I would never suggest anyone agree to a work contract in that part of the world if it meant leaving family behind.

The racism is also pretty hard to take. It is so overt - you are judged on your passport and skin colour. And the really shitty thing is that 90% of the time you can accurately guess a person’s salary and job and where and how they live based on that.

So glad I am not there anymore!

Though it's obviously not a good thing it helps hearing this as I felt at first that a lot of it was down to my lacking. However, I don't care the pressures out there, I think if anything, it's a real test of character, because people always have a choice as to how they behave/ respond

Dead right OP. Sorry your dh fell at the first hurdle. At least the one good thing he did was to push for marriage, leaving you in a better position legally.

Oh, I can promise you that it isn’t you, it is him. And you are 100% correct to see it as a character failing.

You will get through this. 💐

Thanks both for helping me see things with more clarity ❤

I don’t know enough about divorce, but make sure you get a lawyer who can help you with an international divorce. Your stbxh may well be squirrelling away tax free funds, as he has literally walked away from the family straight into a bachelor lifestyle.

Thanks Curly this is true. I have no real idea the actual amount that he's making just that he's very good at spending it🙄

The vast majority of men that go and work abroad in the oil industry cheat. That sounds harsh and unfair and not all do. But most do.

It's such an old, hackneyed script

I'm so sorry it's happening to you. It's heart breaking. But I think, in time, you'll realise you're better off without him

I hadn't read any other posts but I assumed oil and the gulf

The only thing inaccurate about returning's (very good) posts is that very few of the other men out there will condemn him because most of them are up to no good too. It's endemic. And totally accepted. It's a vile cultural bubble to live in.

Thanks bitout you're almost correct but most certainly right about it being endemic in that culture. I suppose a lot have bits on the side but he's decided to hedge his bets and go whole hog🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️...at least if nothing else he was eventually honest with me

You did NOTHING wrong - it wasn't that you weren't "giving him what he needs etc" - he's using horrid psychological tricks on you for him to get to do what he wants whilst also making sure you WRONGLY put the blame on yourself, feel guilty so it's all roses to him both with you (feeling guilty that you could have done more) and the new woman (her admiring and appreciating him for leaving you for her). You don't see it like that as you were emotionally involved, understandably, so it's hard to envision someone you trusted to be so cold and calculating.

Almost EVERY person who cheats, has affairs etc. tends to try and blame their partner so they don't have to live with the guilt of what they've done - don't buy into his false reasoning.

Hmmm young filipino women who has a history of targeting/dating older married men... hopefully you can see what I can see from this story. He is using her because she's young, new and doesn't have the baggage of kids etc. whilst she's using him purely for money I'd imagine... be glad he showed his true self now and not when you're much older (in your 50s/60s) when the kids have left home and you'd struggle to make a new life.

I think you are incredibly fortunate that you didn't go out to join him. I believe the laws in the Middle East are stacked against women returning home with their dc post split. So they remain trapped out there while their husbands do what the hell they like.

I refused this situation the first time my ex tried the "one woman while away, missus and kids at home" and left. He married the next one and she is now all smily living the facebook life. I have a feeling she is dealing with the same shit I refused.

It's awful, but you'll feel a bit sorry for him once you stop hating him (once you stop loving him). I wonder if they ever realise what dicks they have been??

Lola and lonely thanks for replies. It's good for me to hear any positive affirmation as it makes me feel stronger. I know 100% that once I'm over the shock I've been very very lucky. Today for no reason, when I tried to confirm time he could speak to our DS and get his promises in writing he told me that he was out with his love and would email tomorrow. This just proves everything for me.

Loka sorry, not Lola autocorrect🙄

@Bitoutofpractice is right, I think. I got the percentages wrong. More people will clap him on the back thancondemn him. The ones who condemn him will almost certainly have wives in the vicinity when they do.

The sad thing is, when men get over there for the first time, they say they miss their families and family life so are invited to join couples and families for bbqs and a decent home cooked meal. The first time they show up with a girlfriend in tow however, they are dropped ike a hot potato. Wives over there absolutely won’t condone it because they are concerned about him being a bad influence on their husband who might take up with a nurse or a maid in their absence during summer holidays.

But most do.

I disagree with that.

I think it’s more accurate to say that Filipino women are involved in a lot of break ups but I’m pretty sure most of the men in oil and gas don’t cheat.

My opinion is based on more than 40 years in the region.

There you go, are any Filipinos reading Mumsnet that my comment has been removed...ha

No, that was me. My family is100% British for over 300 years.
But ignorant, racist generalisations should always be called to account.

I reported you for being an ignorant, racist pig. FWIW, I’ve reported your subsequent posts too. I hope MNHQ ban you for continually breaking talk guidelines.