Husband left after 1 yr of marriage😜

[Veritysoul]

Hi everyone.
So the story is that husband rushed me into marriage last year as he was getting a job abroad and I wouldn't have been able to see him without being married (we'd been together rather a long time prior to marriage). We have 2 kids age a 6mnths and 5.
So, whilst he was away working, I can only gather he had time and space to figure what he wanted but to me he became very distant and disinterested when I called to keep in touch. Like he was reading something on a screen or something and not paying attention. He apparently kept telling me he was lonely and upset but apparently I was not listening and am an uncaring person. To be honest I thought keeping in touch and tagging him in everything we did (me n kids and his family etc) was helping him. But on reflection I guess what he needed was intimacy...I needed it too but was so busy with the baby and my son (who also had been having behavioural issues) that I didn't realise how bad things were. Plus H just gave me one word answers and didn't initiate convo and despite his loneliness all I saw on social media was pics of him out partying wirh his new workmates, going for massages, gym swimming etc. Took out a loan for a shiny new car.All this time he never once asked me how I was coping (To be fair I would tell him anyway which prob didn't help and usually ended in an argument with him telling me how bad it was for him and how he's love to be rolling about with the kids😜) or asked about the kids and even stopped ringing to speak to them. Still, only a few weeks before he told me that he had found love with someone else on Boxing day, he was pushing for us to go out to live with him. My ds had been looking forwards all year to seeing daddy, had jabs done , I paid about 600 quid in medical tests for us all and new passports, and told ds teacher he wouldn't b back next term. Ds was petrified of jabs and theres me comforting saying it'll be worth it to see daddy. However, boxing day I got the text, he's fallen in love with another and didn't love me anymore and hadn't for ages. Though apparently I'd been given plenty chances?he never even took his wedding ring over with him(he's lost weight n it didn't fit, but...).so he came back for a few weeks while I had our other ds.
It turns out he met a young (17 years age difference) Filipino woman who he would have gone with but she had turned him down when he said he had family and kids since she'd been messed about by a married man previously who didn't leave wife for her. This only made him like her more and he has contact with her...so she wasn't really serious about backing off and wrecking a home. The first day I knew was awful, I Checked my msged as I'd sent him a video of baby and the msge I saw was I'm sorry my heart belongs to a orher or something. I thought it'd been going on ages but he says only 2 weeks but he knows she's the one she's young fit and a lift caring person and he sent me a pic of her, to 'let me see. Said something about me fighting for him. He expected me to do that. To which oh replied I can never competewith that. And I was angry at that point. I just wanted divorce. He also i might add said he slept with 2 whores who loved him😜He msged why not and more confusing msged ensued. Anyway I obv. Didn't fight enough and now he's made his decision he loves her and wants to be with her...And kept apologizing and he admits he feels sorry for me and that he's a coward, selfish etc
I suppose i had it coming as ill admit that our relationship has never been peaches and cream. I guess I had some issues and he had some very odd issues when I think about it but I still invested into the relationship.
Just wondered what people think. Have I been uncaring, not fulfilling my husband's needs( he does say he expected too much) but it's making it worse for me him being so nice about everything. He's said financially he'll help any way he can(I do work and put money into house but it's in his m
Name) today he said I can have house if I want but the I don't earn enough to take on mortgage unless anyone knows a way round this. I hmgave him 30000from sale of my house so really f**d about this. But he's said financially he'll help. But then, he also said he loves me. So when I said I couldn't trust him now he just said he cares even though he doesn't love. Also hes not great with money even tho earns a lot.I just went to get through all this so I can focus on kids but it's just awful. I've only cried twice as my viewpoint is that he's not worth it after how he's treated us but does that mean I'm unfeeling? I don't know. I think we'll be better off really but just want it to be over and it never really will be😥

What you've done my dear, is lost yourself a big lump of stupid and pointless.

It's going to hurt for a long time yet, and the kids will blame you for everything for years...but...

Think of it this way...you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Do you really want to spend the last few hours of your life getting upset over someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about you and the kids?

He's done you a favour. Cry, mourn over what you dreamed of, divorce the selfish prick and live your life.

Pull way way back. Your so close you can't see clearly.

Think of your daughter or sister in this situation, being treated this way what would you say/advise them?
Tell yourself what you would tell them.

Thanks for replies both of you. Giggage i like your matter of factness. I know you're both right in what you're saying buy doesn't make it any easier. I know nothing about this situation is right. I am determined to come out stronger but if u get anything else thrown at me not sure how I'll cope

You'll cope because you have no choice but to cope.

Look, you'll get through this. I've done it, millions of others have done it, and millions will do it. You'll be fine. Just take it 6 hours at a time.
Get through the morning. Then get through the afternoon, then sweet relief as you sleep.

Look out for the angry stage - it's brilliant! You'll get loads done and make huge practical headway, financially, mentally, and a few other ways.

Let yourself crumble - you're only human FFS. Then bit by bit, you're not focusing on 6 hours at a time, it's one day at a time instead, then 2 and then you are over it before you know it.

This is hell, but it will be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Ooh, watch out for "friends". Only want the gossip, to take advantage or to drain you. Get rid of those too as soon as you spot them

In other words, you're having a life clear out and a lot of people won't like it but sod 'em.

Thanks Giggage. You are right it's happened to many people and they survive well enough. One of the hardest bits now is reliving it every time someone asks but like you say it's not gonna be over in a week. It does feel a bit like when someone dies.

That's because it's a relationship that's died. Not a person but everything you hoped and dreamed of.

It's shit, really shit, but it will all be ok. Just got to take it one day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself

What he doesn't realize is that in the Phillipines the girls seek out men like your H because they're perceived as being wealthy, which they are compared to the local men. Any man will do, and your H has fallen for it. Some girls want to come here, and then the relationship falls apart. I know a man in his early 60s who left his English partner and married a pretty 27 yo, and bought her a house.

So try to persuade your H to put the house in your name, and hopefully his conscience will prevail upon him to be generous financially.

Yeah Single he only knew her for 2 weeks and she played it cool so he thinks she's not like that. To be fair we were having problems anyway (apart for over a year) and he was going through some sort of crisis. I guess she was a sympathetic ear and I was just too busy not caring and bringing up our children.
I need to see solicitor asap as that's the one thing he's agreed to help wherever he can financially but I need it sorted legally (which may prove difficult with him not here) as I know how easily promises are broken xx

And he's said he'd rather I have the house as he doesn't want any ties here xx

See a solicitor, get advice for all the financial stuff and divorce him for his infidelity. He's a waste of space and you need legal things in place to make sure he supports you and his children financially. I suspect he is hoping to shirk his responsibility if he is offering to "give" you the house but you then take on the mortgage payments.

Go and see a solicitor asap it's better to do it straightaway while he still feels guilty. Show the solicitor your messages stating he wants you to keep the house. Tell your husband the quicker he divorces, the quicker he can move on with his life with his new partner.

You are well rid. Good job you did get married as it now strengthens your financial situation, as the house was in his name.
You need some paperwork for the £30k you put into the house.
Get your ducks in a row, ASAP. Because once he realises it’s not going to work with the new gf, he’ ll be back tail between his legs, trying to save an expensive divorce bill.
Leave him to his midlife crisis

Let me guess, he was working in the Gulf?

See your solicitor ASAP while he is still willing to provide financial support. Get it all in writing now. Thank god that you got married as you are in a much stronger position now.

Better to find out what he is like now than ten years down the line. You have clearly coped while he has been away which means you can carry on coping. And under no circumstances take the kids to visit him now (custody could be an issue if he is where I think he is), just remind him it will be cheaper and easier for one person (him) to travel.

Your husband is an idiot to think the Philippino girl is interested in him! What an utter fool.
Was there a reason why you didn't go with him when he first took the job? Normally jobs overseas are much more financially sound as certain costs are covered by the company.

I agree with Tiredismymiddlename85 - your husband is an idiot to think the girl is actually interested in him.
What he has done to you is unforgivable. Move on, it will hurt like hell but as said above it will be the best thing you have ever done.
And when he comes crawling back and the Filipino girl has moved onto somebody richer (and less depressed by the sounds of it) tell him to B8gger off.
That is my advice.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through though it must be awful.

Thanks all for replies, they are really helping. I didn't go as the company made him go out on a business visa initially with the promise that family could join. I was also working and found out I was pregnant too!Basically the company dragged their heels with arranging family stuff and It was only midway thru the following year he got a family house. I was nearing end of pregnancy and ideally wanted to give birth here. Plus all the tests and paperwork for me and the 3 boys took around 4 months and it was only recently all got sorted but I think he's made his mind up well before then as I didn't try enough he says but mainly he just didn't love me anymore🤷‍♀️

Btw I covered all costs for paperwork and then told I would have to cover flight costs. He didn't seem to want to pay for any of it or share cost but know I understand why

@Veritysoul - That makes sense why you didn't initially go out. I was more interested than anything else.
Sounds to me he's enjoying his ex-pat lifestyle a little too much. The flattery of a young Philippines girl thrown it and he thinks he's gods gift! It's pathetic but not unheard of! Is he in Manila?
He's forgetting his responsibilities as a father and husband, I would find that unforgivable!
I think you need to decide what you want and take it from there. If separation is the way forward then you need to seek legal advice

What kind of company is he working for that wouldn't cover the costs for his whole family? He didn't negotiate that very well, which makes it look like he didn't want you to go anyway.

@MyOtherProfile - Some roles start out as temporary for 6 months so families aren't covered by Posting allowances. It's usually if the roles are over a year then family allowances are eligible. It's a crafty way for the company to save money. However once it was agreed it was long term, the company should have paid for everything.

@Tiredismymiddlename85 ive never heard of that before. I've taught in international schools in three different countries and pretty much all our families would arrive together, all new to the city and joining our school. All those working for big solid companies would get packages including schools and accommodation for all the family.

I wouldn't move abroad without that in the dad's shoes.

@myotherprofile, I suspect this is a Gulf country and their have been a lot of changes in the region in the last two years. Bachelor contracts are increasingly common. A lot of companies have increased their probation period to 6 months in line with the labour laws. Also there is much greater use of business visas instead of employment visas (business visa holders cannot sponsor dependants). There is even a ‘tax’ on expat dependents in KSA now.

Additionally, it seems that the OP’s STBEX was not 100% on board with the idea of her moving out there so he may have been telling porkies anyway.

Returning2, I think u may be right there. I just took it for granted it was what he wanted because he seemed to be pushing for it but guess his feelings quickly changed when he met the Filipino with no baggage.

I’m really sorry, Verity. I have seen this happen before. You may have heard of ‘the script’ for men leaving their wives, I am convinced there is a version for men who work abroad and then leave their families.

It probably doesn’t help you but the Filipina will be playing him like a card. He has been flattered by the attention and now thinks that he actually deserves it and he is the ‘big man’. He will be judged by everyone around him - 25% will congratulate him and 75% will judge him harshly for his actions. Not many of these relationships last very long. Some of the men go back to their wives with their tail between their legs and some end up moving to a Thailand or the Phillipines and go through a steady stream of women who will put up with a lot of their crap for the money.

Working abroad in a different culture really changes people, especially when the culture puts certain nationalities in certain positions. A lot of people say that dating a Filipina (lower down on the social scale) isn’t racist. I think it is a type of racism though because really they are only in a relationship because of the money and the power imbalance means that it rarely lasts.

Gig gage has given you some good advice.