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Original poster

Does anyone have siblings that are single? What is your duty to them?

77 replies

MakeABook · 26/12/2018 12:32

I have several siblings all of whom live nearby. They all have partners and children. We have a sister who lives with our parents and is single and in her late 40s.

Over the years I have sort of realised how nasty she has been with her comments and I have consciously made a decision very recently to keep my distance from her. She finds it ok to say hurtful things etc and it's been like this pretty much throughout my life but I've only really recently realised that it's not acceptable. (As silly as that sounds but it took a lot of work on my self development to understand that this was not an ok way to be spoken to)

Anyway I don't feel very close to her. This Xmas she had a big rant about how none of us will give a crap about her when our parents die. She will be on her own and nonone will help her etc etc. I know where she's coming from but I explained if say my dp died or something I don't think she or anyone else would be helping me out either and I would be on my own too. Her answer is well tou have your kids. But my point was I will have to deal with my life on my own and if any help I get is a bonus not an expectation.

Does nayone else have siblings that are single and what do you do to help them.

OP posts:
MissDemelzaCarne · 26/12/2018 12:40

I have a single brother, who lives alone. I can’t imagine any way I could possibly ‘help’ him.

My other siblings and I make sure he’s not alone at Christmas, he has a very busy social life so is always busy on his birthday, he does give amazing parties.

blueskiesandforests · 26/12/2018 12:40

What help does she need in her late 40s? Presumably she doesn't have a disability which causes her to need practical help?

None of my siblings are single, but when one was it didn't occur to me that it meant she needed help. Two of my siblings were coupled up when I was single before meeting DH but I'd have been insulted if they regarded it as a reason I'd need help!

What does she need help with?

If there isn't a solid reason she needs help then her attitude sounds odd.

Or does she mean that she wants including in things? Doesn't she have friends? That's different to "help".

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 26/12/2018 12:48

Being single per se is not an affliction that needs help, I think that's way off the mark op. Sounds like your sister has her own issues, but try not to blanket everyone like that.

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Families
Cheekyandfreaky · 26/12/2018 12:48

I think she sounds insecure but I understand how hurtful it must be to hear the things she says. I don’t think you need to engage necessarily with these comments. It’s hard to say. Would she confide in you? It sounds like she wants someone to love her but she has to put that out there too.

bastardkitty · 26/12/2018 12:51

It's news to me that single people have to be looked after.

Original poster
MakeABook · 26/12/2018 13:05

Sorry I don't think I made it clear. She's single now but it's after my parents have passed away it's then she feels that we need to help her. It's then she feels like she truly on her own.

When asked about what type of help she says things like looking out for me, shopping for me, calling me, asking if I'm ok. I was like we will surely do that but she days we're crap and wouldn't. I don't know what she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeABook · 26/12/2018 13:11

She doesn't have a disability and is healthy.

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 26/12/2018 13:12

She sounds oddly helpless - do your parents "look after" her now? They must be in their 70s aren't they?

It'd be more understandable if she was worrying about being left to look after them alone, as she lives with them. It's a strange perspective to worry about them dying and not doing her shopping...

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 26/12/2018 13:17

Some people don't grow up properly, they get stuck in a stage of development. Your DSis sounds like she still thinks and behaves like a teenager in many ways. Is she the youngest sibling?

My Dad's youngest sister was a bit like that, there were four siblings quite close in age and then a gap before my aunt was born. I think she might have been indulged as she was the youngest and never made to take responsibility for anything, not even herself. She lived with my grandparents until she was quite old, mid-thirties I think, and was always getting her parents and siblings to sort her life out for her. She did improve a bit, she had a surprise pregnancy quite late in life and became a single mum so she had to step up and cope. She still moans about how tough her life is and how easy every one else in the family has it because of random reasons, but on the whole she manages her own life.

I think that all you can really do about your DSis is avoid her as much as possible as you are already doing, and downplay the drama. When she says that nobody will look after her you can just say that she's a capable adult and she'll be fine. Don't get drawn into a conversation about why your life is so much easier/better/more privileged than hers, or into any details of exactly how she could improve her own circumstances as anything you say could be used as ammunition to try and guilt-trip you.

BitchQueen90 · 26/12/2018 13:19

I'm single (have a DC though although he's only 5) and I don't want any help from people. Why the bloody hell does a healthy grown adult want help with shopping? Being single isn't a disability!

It sounds like she is lonely and a bit bitter about it.

NorthEndGal · 26/12/2018 13:19

It sounds like she plans on not taking responsibility for herself down the road. Has this been an issue all along?

HairyStorm · 26/12/2018 13:21

Sounds like your parents are still doing a lot of parenting that adult children don't generally need, and is worried about who will take over when they're gone.

My brother's single. The help I give him is mainly along the lines of 'being an extra pair of hands when single-parenting is being awkward.' School runs, picking him up a pint of milk, that sort of thing. I'm single, and he helps me in the same ways. Neither of us is parenting the other though.

dementedma · 26/12/2018 13:21

2 of my siblings are single and childless, 1 is single with 5 dcs. I'm not responsible for any of them.

Original poster
MakeABook · 26/12/2018 13:21

Our DM cooks and does the majority of the housework and washing. DF does most of the shopping. They pay all the bills and she pays her bit of the council tax. They are luckily quite healthy but DM does have a heart condition. They are early 70s.

She just looks after herself I guess and does her own thing and they do theirs. I don't think she has it that bad but she disagrees..

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BitchQueen90 · 26/12/2018 13:22

Does she work? Is she worried about how she will cope financially?

Wordthe · 26/12/2018 13:23

she can't be bothered to make the effort to earn relationships with people, to have friendships or partnerships you need to cooperate, to give as well as take
she wants to rely on people who feel obligated towards her so that she can just take without making any effort to give

thedevilinablackdress · 26/12/2018 13:23

What on Earth?? Does she realise that there are millions of single people living on their own, navigating life perfectly well?
She sounds unpleasant and controlling and in no way endearing herself for any future contact or support.

CemetaryGates · 26/12/2018 13:28

If she raises this again, I'd tell her that she will reap what she sows. If she is a nice person, and treats those around her well, she should expect the same in return. If she is selfish, spiteful and unpleasant to be around, then it is likely that she will be left to her own devices.

Does she ever offer to help you with anything?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/12/2018 13:28

She doesn’t sound very pleasant and no, you are not obliged to do anything for her. What a strange thing for her to think. Very entitled.

Might be a good thing to make that clear now so she can prepare to stand on her on two feet when your parents do eventually pass.

Original poster
MakeABook · 26/12/2018 13:29

BitchQueen90 she does work. I think she would be ok financially for looking after herself. We are all happy for to live in our parents home after they die as agreed as she doesn't own her own home. So she won't have mortgage or rent costs. I think financially she should be ok.

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70sbaubles · 26/12/2018 13:29

Seriously?!
Never knew I was subject to care in the community
Bloody hell
Duty
Wow

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 26/12/2018 13:29

I crossed with one of your posts, so I see that you have already had a conversation about what 'help' she thinks she will need. Having a conversation like that just indulges her point of view, that she needs your help and that you should give it. In future just say "You're a capable adult, you'll be absolutely fine", then leave it at that. The more that you expect her to grow up, more likely it is that she will.

whiskeysourpuss · 26/12/2018 13:31

I'm single, as is one of my brothers... we help each other in that if I need help with a diy thing that I can't manage he'll help out - he painted my bathroom just before Christmas - if I'm making soup/stew etc I'll make extra & portion him up some for the freezer so that I know he's getting a decent meal every now & again.

When I got a new car my old one wasn't worth trading in so I gave it to him as a run around as he didn't have a car.

I called him on Sunday morning & dragged him out of bed to help me dispose of my bug infested Christmas tree.

But on a day to day basis we just get on with our lives... neither of us need help with shopping etc.

Veterinari · 26/12/2018 13:32

It sounds like she’s been infantilised.

I’m Single and childfree, I live alone and have a great circle of friends, fulfilling job and do lots of activities. I have zero expectations that my married siblings will look after me. We do occasionally go for weekends away and also visit each other but that’s because we enjoy each other’s company or do mutually interesting activities. Not because I expect them to ‘help’ me. Her expecting you to do her shopping us quite frankly, ludicrous

Original poster
MakeABook · 26/12/2018 13:33

thedevilinablackdress this is how I feel. She's not exactly being nice to me with her nasty comments but then expects me to help her out. When I had my baby a year ago she didn't even text to see how I was and visited 3 weeks later even though she lives a ten minjte walk away. She never asks about my kids, nothing when I speak to her . It's all about her. It's taken me sooo long to realise this.

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