Does anyone have siblings that are single? What is your duty to them?

[MakeABook]

I have several siblings all of whom live nearby. They all have partners and children. We have a sister who lives with our parents and is single and in her late 40s.

Over the years I have sort of realised how nasty she has been with her comments and I have consciously made a decision very recently to keep my distance from her. She finds it ok to say hurtful things etc and it's been like this pretty much throughout my life but I've only really recently realised that it's not acceptable. (As silly as that sounds but it took a lot of work on my self development to understand that this was not an ok way to be spoken to)

Anyway I don't feel very close to her. This Xmas she had a big rant about how none of us will give a crap about her when our parents die. She will be on her own and nonone will help her etc etc. I know where she's coming from but I explained if say my dp died or something I don't think she or anyone else would be helping me out either and I would be on my own too. Her answer is well tou have your kids. But my point was I will have to deal with my life on my own and if any help I get is a bonus not an expectation.

Does nayone else have siblings that are single and what do you do to help them.

"Forge" not " forget"

DH and I have 6 single siblings aged 50 to 66. They're a nightmare!!!! Every year for 16 years we've had at least 3 of them for Xmas! !!!

I’m single and have a DD7. My brother & sister and their families and my parents live nearby.

They do help me out, when single parenting is hard (like if I’m sick, they might drop DD at school) or doing tasks around the house that are easier with two people.

If they do help out then I make sure I try and reciprocate - for example have them over for a meal or babysit my sister’s kids.

I do worry sometimes that if I’m still alone later in my life that well, I’ll just be alone and lonely. But that’s my worry and not theirs. Plus I’m only 40!

Sorry, I should add, I help them if they need me too. It’s just what families do for each other. I’ve been there for them if they need me too.

I'm divorced and live alone. My sister and BIL certainly have no duty to me. Our last contact was last January for a family meal near them that I organised, travelled to and paid for a hotel overnight to attend.

I'm a single parent and my siblings are all married. I think she is worried about feeling lonely and insecure. I have had moments like this but it's more down to needing to feel a part of the family rather than needing things doing, but maybe she sees having someone doing jobs for her as a sign they care about her.
I would give her moral support, include her and show kindness, but be firm about her not needing help practically. In fact ask her for help - maybe she would like to feel needed?
I have endured cutting remarks from my siblings about being divorced etc and 'expecting support' as though they're jealous about any extra help I might get from our parents, and I found that very hurtful as I'm not single through choice and am proud of how I've coped over the years. The most important thing to me is to feel included and not belittled, but of course there have been times ive asked for help as I really have had nobody else to turn to but I do show a lot of gratitude in return.

Given her petulance, allowing her to live in your parents house is a recipe for the rest of you being diddled. With the house sold, she should have a nice tidy deposit for a place of her own, with none of you being expected to be involved in the upkeep or bills.

What??!!

Why does she think that she is less capable of looking after herself than any other adult?

Why does she think that you owe her when she has habitually treated you badly?

I realise that you have got used to her over the years, but her behaviour and attitude towards you are really not OK and you shouldn't be thinking that you owe her anything at all. Counselling or psychotherapy might be helpful for you to get some perspective on this.

I agree with what previous posters have said about her being unwilling to put the effort and kindness into forming good relationships with people in her life (not just a partner, but friends, siblings etc). Some people seem to think that the world owes them support, but they don't think it works both ways... those people are selfish and wrong.

In my opinion, you don't normally owe your siblings - single or not - anything very much. It depends on your relationship with them. If they're generally nice people then I would keep in contact with them, phone them every few months, invite them for Xmas if they were going to be on their own, send them a birthday card and present once a year. If you get on well and have a close relationship then I would phone them more often, meet up with them often, etc etc.

BUT if they were like your sister then frankly they could go whistle. Why does she get to make nasty comments to you and then expect you to run around after her?

I'm single and have two married sisters. I don't need their help, I have my own home, a great job and my own life.

I'm single. No kids. 99% of the time I wouldn't dream of thinking I need looked after. I'm a teacher and look after 30 kids every day. However occasionally I do stop and think how nice it would be for someone to occasionally stop and say 'no I'll do that for you.'

When 100% of everything is down to you it would be so nice to not have that even for a short time.

Your sister sounds pathetic and immature and that’s nothing to do with being ‘single’. My DB is single, in his early 50s, perfectly competent adult, he hosted Christmas yesterday for my family and our elderly parents (who are staying with him) & today he hosted again for other members of the family.

The fact your sister feels she needs ‘looking after’ is nothing to do with being single (to be honest I envy my DB & his calm, quiet lifestyle and beautifully tidy home with no need to compromise for a partner or children, I think he’s got the right idea ).

I have a single brother in his late 40s. He is close to DM (not living with) and there is no one else so when DM dies then I probably will take a bit more of an interest in him. Calling him up occasionally, inviting him for Xmas etc. I won't be doing any shopping for him.
I get where she's coming from - but if she has chosen not to build up a life for herself independently of parents the she will leave herself a bit stranded unfortunately.

We have an old maiden aunt who has been single all her life.

Family members have always made sure to invite her to Christmas and her married siblings have been there to have her to stay after she had an operation a couple of years ago. I know she is a little anxious about getting frail and old. I think that actually none of us like the thought of being elderly and frail alone - lots of us have children who might help look after us or spouses or partners. I totally understand that those without those very close relatives who people traditionally rely on might feel a bit anxious.

Most single people won't spend much time feeling anxious about being alone in their old age in their 40s. However, Christmas when families are together, probably brings singleness home to people and makes some people more aware of it and either a bit sad or think about the future.

Recognising this isn't saying single people are incapable or incompetent or should desire to not be single, or that being in couples or with children is better than being single. It's simply recognising that sometimes single people might feel like this.

And yes, some family memebers might be awkward and annoying, regardless of whether they are single or otherwise.

I'd like to think that as a family we will always keep an eye out for everyone.....that everyone will always have an invite for Christmas and that if anyone were ever ill, that someone would be there to look out for them. It's not patronising. People are always freeto refuse invitations and offers of help.

Any of us could end up in any kind of state later in life....I think we'd all like to think someone will keep an eye out for us.

You get out of life what you put in.
If she doesn't have strong friendships or a relationship then she may end up quite lonely in the future once your parents pass. Sadly, that's the life she has carved for herself.

Friendships take a lot of investment and care. As a sister I would encourage her to step outside her comfort zone, take classes and try and establish a friendship group.

She's not your responsibility but she might expect more from you that you're able (or want) to give.

Similar situation with my MIL .. no partner by choice ,very few friends. No strong relationships at all. 1 son (DH), who she did not raise. Yet expects us to host her at Xmas, assist her with things and be her whole social life. // We can't give everything to someone who has only just now realised it's important to have people in their life. Too little too late

Given her petulance, allowing her to live in your parents house is a recipe for the rest of you being diddled. With the house sold, she should have a nice tidy deposit for a place of her own, with none of you being expected to be involved in the upkeep or bills

Yes, it will end up with her expecting you to fix the house she lives in, while she continues to take no responsibility for her own life.

I have a DB living the same life as your sister, and while I do worry about his future and try to encourage him to have more independence, he is a grown adult and not my responsibility. DM enables controls him as a perennial teenager, and there's not a lot I can do to prevent it while she lives, but I certainly won't be continuing it once she's dead.

My never-married aunt was like this, whilst not actually living with her parents, she relied on them for everything - for instance not just for doing DIY but making decisions about what DIY needed doing, like what colour the walls would be painted... she was the eternal 10 year old. When they became too ill to help her and the roles needed to be reversed, she was suddenly too busy with work and it all fell to me and my mum (her younger sister).

She also expected my mum to step in and look after her, take her shopping, manage her bank account... fortunately mum had foreseen this and was ready to refuse!

This is ages away in the future, but given that you plan to let her live in your parents' house for as long as she wants (and I assume your siblings are in agreement on this) would you consider asking your parents to change their will so that she inherits the whole house? There's a number of reasons for this, firstly as others have pointed out if you all own it then she will expect all of you to be responsible for maintenance and repairs, possibly for some of the bills too. Secondly, if she lives in it for life then it's not likely you will ever benefit financially from it, single women statistically live longer than men (married or single) and married women. Thirdly, it might cause you problems in the future, eg it would count as an asset in any financial assessment you might have, like funding for a care home when you are old.

Of course, it might not matter, nobody knows what the future holds and your parents' home might need to be sold anyway if they need to go into a care home.

My siblings are all married but I have a single aunt and uncle. My mother (now widowed) seems to think my aunt (her SIL) should be pitied not so much for not being married but because she doesn't have any children. She doesn't appear to feel this way about my uncle though, unmarried/child free men are more normal in her mind I guess. In practice my aunt has a very full life, with lots of friends and actually visits my mum to support her (not sure I'd do the same as my mum doesn't keep her feelings to herself). I'm sure both my aunt and uncle have plans for their later care needs (they are in their 80s now).

I don't think that siblings have obligations to each other besides those they have built up through their own acts (ie how they have treated each other through life) except where there are special needs or circumstances, and it really doesn't appear that the OP has any that aren't her own doing.

maiden aunt? Disgusting that this is how single people are still seen in this day and age.

I suppose she is talking about her old age . And its understandable as a lot of parents get help from their dc in their old age. Even knowing someone is there and interested in you means a lot.
She probably thinks that ye call over there now because your dps are there but wonders will that happen after the parents die.
I think its a reasonable worry.
My dm had a brother who never married and had no dc. His nieces and nephews were very fond of him and as he aged he depended on them a lot. I live far away so not really involved but others were. He would have been lost without them but it was pure goodwill as they had no responsibility for him and he could have been very alone.
Unfortunately bitterness causes people to reject us so she is not doing herself any favours but thinking about the future especially at Christmas makes sense.

I think what is the problem is that she has not become independent. She doesn't cook much at all but can make basic stuff but only does it on very rare occasions. If DM is poorly one of us or df cooks for them. She doesn't know much about all that entails running a house as parents do it all. We also help them out too. They never ask her.
She didn't even know how to switch on the washing machine till a few years.

My parents would love if she carved out an independent life for herself but my mum is a very soft soul and dsis has really played the woe is me / victim role / my life is so shit and DM has ended up doing everything for her. She controls my DM, it's not the other way round.

DM never leaves her alone for eg. They holiday together but one year not so long ago both parents ended up leaving the country to visit dms brother who was on his deathbed. My df who is quite close to Mt uncle contemplated not going as then dsis would be on her own. We reassured them she'd be ok. They were away for 2 weeks. I called etc as did my other siblings and gave food once or twice etc. She said she got a taste for how life would be like when they were gone and told us she would kill herself. I'm not sure if she was being serious but i suspect she was.

junebirthdaygirl

She probably thinks that ye call over there now because your dps are there but wonders will that happen after the parents die.

This reminds me of a time recently when I told my DM that we - me, DH and the kids wouldn't be able to make it to one family gathering we plan usually every year. Her reply- Last time you came , you were late - I didn't even realise you were there when you did come. It won't make a difference if you're there. We won't even notice.

I quipped back that I come for my parents not her. She says shit like this to me and then expects me to be there for her.

Gosh your poor parents. Though I suppose they have enabled her. As have you and other siblings to some degree. Why on earth would you cook for her (unless she's ill)? Can you talk to your parents and siblings about it? Can you try to gently help her become more independent? Does she go on holiday alone? Does she have any hobbies?

I would not be surprised if there were some undiagnosed special needs going on here.

I think she controls everyone not just your mother