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Original poster

Does anyone have siblings that are single? What is your duty to them?

77 replies

MakeABook · 26/12/2018 12:32

I have several siblings all of whom live nearby. They all have partners and children. We have a sister who lives with our parents and is single and in her late 40s.

Over the years I have sort of realised how nasty she has been with her comments and I have consciously made a decision very recently to keep my distance from her. She finds it ok to say hurtful things etc and it's been like this pretty much throughout my life but I've only really recently realised that it's not acceptable. (As silly as that sounds but it took a lot of work on my self development to understand that this was not an ok way to be spoken to)

Anyway I don't feel very close to her. This Xmas she had a big rant about how none of us will give a crap about her when our parents die. She will be on her own and nonone will help her etc etc. I know where she's coming from but I explained if say my dp died or something I don't think she or anyone else would be helping me out either and I would be on my own too. Her answer is well tou have your kids. But my point was I will have to deal with my life on my own and if any help I get is a bonus not an expectation.

Does nayone else have siblings that are single and what do you do to help them.

OP posts:
Firefliess · 26/12/2018 13:34

The think your "duties" to a sibling who is living alone include:

  • keeping in touch regularly, eg calling them, being up for chatting to them, etc.
  • being there for them as far as possible if they are seriously ill
  • including them in family events like Christmas (unless they are really rude and unpleasant to be around)

Definitely not shopping. And I would hope it to be a two way relationship where she contributes to, say, Christmas, asks how you are, remembers neices and nephews birthdays, etc too

blueskiesandforests · 26/12/2018 13:34

She's a healthy woman in her 40s living rent free and worrying that when her parents die her siblings won't do her shopping? Is she expecting to inherit the house all to herself? Has she let you know that you'll be "helping" by paying the inheritance tax so she can continue to live rent free, as well as doing her shopping?

I think ignore, is the best advice here. Perhaps, if your parents are still parenting her, it might be worth a conversation with them about getting her to slowly build up to doing more for herself/ their household (shopping, cooking etc - as you'd do with a teenager in the normal run of things...) - to "help" her get used to the idea that she could run a household herself eventually...

Juanbablo · 26/12/2018 13:35

My brother is single. He's in his late twenties. He's at uni, has lots of friends and a busy life. He spends Christmas day at my house and is coming here again with the rest of the family today. I don't feel I have a duty to him. I love him and get along well with him so we enjoy spending time together. Of course I wouldn't want him to be alone at Christmas but I like having him spend it with us so it's not a duty at all.

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Wordthe · 26/12/2018 13:36

She made her bed let her lie in it

DonnaDarko · 26/12/2018 13:37

I think she needs to grow the fuck up

I have a twin sister. Were in our 30s. She lives alone and is studying for her second degree. She does temping work to help with costs. The only real responsibility she has is her cats, and sometimes I envy her life. I have no duty to her but to be her sister. (Wow that got cheesy lol)

Wordthe · 26/12/2018 13:37

From what I can see when people stay living with their parents well into adulthood they end up becoming their parents carers
surely this is what will happen to her?

SolidarityGdansk · 26/12/2018 13:38

I was single til I married at 40

I had a good job and a very busy social life. But there is this feeling of emptiness that comes from not having one person that centres you in their life.

If often thought that if I died in my flat on a Friday evening, would anyone notice until I did not turn up for work on Monday

Wordthe · 26/12/2018 13:39

I wonder if she is panicking a bit because she seeing signs that her parents are starting to rely on her for support and so she's reaching out trying to get others to help her so that she doesn't have to take on any of this burden?

ArtisanPopcorn · 26/12/2018 13:43

She's going to inherit the whole house to herself and she's whining about needing help with shopping? I'm lost.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 26/12/2018 14:04

I suspect she may be seeing a lonely future ahead after your parents have gone and is comparing that with what you've got ie partner and children. Now I'm well aware that not every woman feels her life is incomplete without those but if marriage and children is something she would have liked but didn't happen for her then perhaps that's at the root of it?

Of course that doesn't excuse her general attitude, I mean it doesn't sound like she's trying to make any kind of independent life for herself nor making any effort with her family. She certainly seems to think it's all one way traffic!

My oldest brother is single, quite shy and I suppose a little bit socially awkward. I know he'd love his own family but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen for him. However, he adores all his nieces and nephews and is very involved in their lives and all our celebrations or events. He's always made the effort so he's never going to be forgotten about or left out. That wouldn't be the case if he was showing the resentment and expectation your sister seems to have.

Original poster
MakeABook · 26/12/2018 14:04

She won't inherit the house but will be free to live in it as long as she needs/ wants to.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 26/12/2018 14:06

I don't see what her being single has to do with it.

Notsurehowifeel0 · 26/12/2018 14:14

I have 4 siblings and other than my eldest brother we all have partners and dc. My db doesn't live with my parents but spends a fair bit of time with them and they help with his washing and make sure he gets birthday/Xmas gifts from them. He spends Xmas day with me and my dc and dh. I fully expect to need to 'help' him when my parents are gone by checking on him and spending time with him but that's because I like him and would want to. I've never spoken to him about it because he would tell me not to be daft and that he won't need it but I worry about him being lonely. If he wasn't nice, like your sister, I don't think I would want to make the effort.

blueskiesandforests · 26/12/2018 14:19

MakeABook if the house is going to be left to all of your parents' children you know she's going to expect you all to pay for upkeep, inheritance tax, perhaps some bills, and come around and do DIY and gardening, as it'll be partly your house and responsibility...

formerbabe · 26/12/2018 14:30

How odd that she expects help with shopping from you once your parents die.

It's like she'll be going from childhood to being elderly and missing out adulthood altogether.

I know you said she's healthy and not disabled but are you sure there's no special needs?

MiniMaxi · 26/12/2018 15:44

I have an Aunt like this, much older (in her 70s), who lived with my grandparents until they passed away.

They paid for everything and she has no / very little money of her own. She basically spent all their money so there was very little left to inherit, apart from the house which she still lives in.

We live in a different country and she keeps saying that she’ll have to come and live with my parents now because nobody else will look after her. Parents also in their 70s and don’t have much money so not sure what she’s expecting!

Some people are just like this sadly. I feel bad sometimes that she’s on her own but it’s partly of her own doing and she can be quite manipulative / nasty to people so it doesn’t make it easy to be close to her.

Anyway you don’t owe her any “looking after” OP. If she’s not got a disability then she’ll just have to cope just like everybody else later in life! Please don’t let her make you feel bad.

SilverySurfer · 26/12/2018 16:58

bastardkitty
It's news to me that single people have to be looked after.

Yes, shocking to discover this, having been the single sibling all these years. My sister and I may as well be different species for all that we have in common and both of us are content to have a conversation once a year at Christmas.

Actually if she attempted to 'do her duty' to me (whatever the hell that means) she would be told to fuck off.

TeaAddict235 · 26/12/2018 17:14

I suspect that she is voicing her concerns of loneliness for later when your parents pass on. My DSis is a bit older than me and single and has voiced that she finds it frustrating that she isn't the focus of our attention on her birthday or Christmas. We live in different countries but she still thinks that my DH and DC should go every year to my DM for Christmas as she does. She depends significantly on my DM emotionally and lashes out at my siblings and I for not supporting her emotional needs. Unfortunately my DSis is known for being horrible to the rest of us when my DM isn't around. I think that she is angry with how life has turned out. I can't ever tell her that we make our own destinies though, she'd have my guts for garters Confused

TeaAddict235 · 26/12/2018 17:16

Forgot to say that my duty is to call regularly to support her, send her gifts in the post (preferably clothes and make up and chocolates). If I don't, I get an earful from my DM.

StealthPolarBear · 26/12/2018 17:42

Just to give an opposite view I think she means who will look out for her. Who will keep on touch with her, help her out if she's sick. Without being morbid, notice if she died at home.
As an only child I am aware I don't have the easy, regular contact some siblings have (I know not all do). My mum and her sister are in contact most days, go on holiday together, meet up quite often as well as sharing care of my grandad.
Otoh if she's unpleasant that is her look out. No one owes her duty.

lanbro · 26/12/2018 17:47

My sister and I are both single parents and we support each other, and our parents support us both...but not because we're single! When we've had partners we all support each other anyway, it's just what we do as family!

Wordthe · 26/12/2018 17:48

I agree that she means who will look out for her, she has no 'go to' person but she relied on her parents' sense of duty towards her until it was well past it's sell by date and she and never fledged, never made her own life.
Maybe it's the fault of the parents for enabling her?

gamerwidow · 26/12/2018 17:58

None of us has an obligation to look after our siblings single or otherwise. I have come to this realisation late in life after 20 years of bailing my sister out of shit and her being entirely ungrateful for it. This year I didn’t step in when she had her latest disaster, she was miffed but it is starting to lead to us having a relationship on more equal terms. It’s nice to get on with your siblings and if you can do stuff for each other that’s nice too but not when it’s one sibling doing all the work.

freddiethegreat · 26/12/2018 17:58

I was (& am) single. I adopted my son over ten years ago & it was always clear that I would need some back up from my brother & DSIL. They have been phenomenal. However, what they can offer has been limited by the fact that they live 200 miles away & also increasingly as their own children have come along. Ultimately, it’s up to me to manage my life & my commitments.

Cailleach · 26/12/2018 17:59

Did she ever actually leave home and live independently for a time? Does she have friends and a social life of her own? Has she ever had a partner?

If the answer is "no" to any of the above then I'd suspect something else is going on with her. Let's face it, it's not really normal to never forget your own life independent of your parents.