Do you think those who recieve free childcare from their parents...

[OnTrain]

...should pay them back when the grandparents are old by looking after them more than the sibling who has asked of little from them?

Not necessarily as a carer, but to be there for chores, general help etc.

This thought occured to me this morning as I have once again been left alone in my pil’s house, for the 3rd time in 3 days, while they have gone off to help bil dh’s (brother) with something which doesn’t need 3 of them! (Pil has gone to look after dniece(4) and mil, bil have gone to supermarket. I offered to help but bil said that pil are fine. They do it every week apparently.

Dh or I don’t live nearby, dh is working so I’m here alone.

We don’t live near family so we just get on with things, pay for childcare, take kids to supermarket or bank or whatever.

Bil lives 10mins down the road and pil look after dn 3 times a week, plus see them most days for dinner, plus general abandonment of child when bil/sil go out with friends.

Now it doesn’t really bother me now, but I’m thinking, when pil are really old and frail I really hope sil takes the brunt of the looking after.

It’s your DH and BIL’s parents and you hope SIL takes the brunt of caring for them in old age? There’s every day sexism right there!

”Now it doesn’t really bother me now, but I’m thinking, when pil are really old and frail I really hope sil takes the brunt of the looking after.”

Why would SIL take the brunt of it? Are they not BIL’s parents?

As the recipient of MILs generosity in caring for my children for free I'm incredibly grateful every day and already go out of my way to make her life easier where possible (including being a taxi service for her boozy lunches on a Saturday).

But even if she hadn't shown this level of generosity to us now when she's capable there's no way I'd see her struggle when she's not. I do what's right by the people I love, irrespective of their deeds towards me.

Unless there's legitimate reasons like abuse which comes in all forms then anyone doing less for elderly parents should be ashamed of themselves.

But if you lived closer you’d naturally get more help.

If you lived closer you’d naturally be able to help out more when your PILs needed it.

It’s not transactional it’s just family.

My sister lives hours away. My DPs live 15 mins away. As a result my DP have helped us out with after school care, babysitting etc that my sister doesn’t benefit from.

On the other hand, we’ve helped my DPs move house, decorate, looked after their house when the were away, taken some of the heavy lifting of visiting very elderly relatives etc

We also host Christmas, New Year, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, my parent’s Birthdays, family get togethers etc every single year which my sister has never done because she lives so far away from the rest of the family.

My parents absolutely help us out and we value and appreciate their support but we also support them in ways my sister never sees and has no conception of.

When my DPs and PILs need help in their old age I accept that it will come from DH and I because neither or us have siblings who live geographically close enough to help. I fully expect that at least one if not more parents will end up living with us at some point.

I’d be pretty peeved if my DSis shrugged her shoulders at any future support I give my parents on the basis that I “owe” them.

If your PILs freely give their time to your BIL and SIL I don’t know why you sound so resentful.

No. However I've never begrudged paying for childcare as I chose to have children nobody else did for me.

I'd hope that I'd look after them if needed because they are family not because I got something free.

Why would your SIL do it? Because she's female? Surely your DH and his brother should be doing it?

It also means I can't go out as I am not allowed a babysitter which keeps me in line too.

Singeliston Not allowed? How would they stop you? How would they even know?

My mum looked after my children a day a week when they were little, and has always been our main babysitter for nights out, weekends away etc. She still collects my younger child from school twice a week and takes her back to her house for dinner. I’m incredibly grateful for all that she does to support us as a family.

However, I would (will) take care of her when she needs it regardless. And my childless DSiS feels the same.

We both try to treat my mum to nice things and do things for her anyway, and that won’t change when she gets older and more frail.

Childminders don’t come to your house though?!

georgie nothing to do with sil... the last sil/bil in my post was a typo. Meant to say bil.

Argh... I didn’t mean sil!! Sorry

Oh ofcourse sum I certainly wouldn’t see them struggle and we’d help out as and when we could, but we live 4hrs away.

In my head I’m wondering whether Bil would get annoyed with us if we don’t help more when they are older. Despite he and his family recieving more help now iyswim?

I don’t want to move here!

I’m mot resentful nona.... I guess what you’ve said will naturally happen then. Hopefully

So are you actually whinging at being left all by your lonesome and not being expected to help?
Put on the tv, put up your feet and have a drink.

I guess I just can’t get over how much they rely on pil. It feels like they’re being taken for granted. Mil looks so tired. But I would do too if I looked after a 4yr old at 75

I did silver.... But, I’ve driven 4hrs to see them and they still give most of their time to bil

If anybody entered my house they would certainly know. I don't know anyone so I would not be able to find a babysitter in any case.

And? Singe you are a adult, what can they do (other than some bluff and bluster)? As for babysitters, look for cards in local shop windows, ask neighbours with small kids who babysits for them or neughbits with teenagers if they’d like a bit of extra cash.

So a bit of investigating and see if there’s a babysitting circle in your area. Alternatively see if one of your children’s friends parents want to do some babysitting swaps. Rt

@Singelistan you know that's not normal right?

In my head I’m wondering whether Bil would get annoyed with us if we don’t help more when they are older

There’s more than one kind of help though OP.

My sister isn’t going to be able to take my DPs to appointments, clean their home, do shopping, make meals, organise additional support etc.

I will expect her support when it comes to making decisions about their care.

I will expect her to make the journey to visit them regularly.

I will get expect her to make the journey at short notice if necessary.

I will expect her to appreciate that I’m stepping in ato fill a gap and taking on the whole responsibility.

If she ever turned round and said “well they did childcare for you and not for me so you should be stepping up” I’d be pretty furious

It’s not transactional

This. The dynamics of anything else are bizarre.

The children could easily cause embarrassment and bring shame upon the family if they were allowed to attend a childminder. It also means I can't go out as I am not allowed a babysitter which keeps me in line too.

This is sooooo odd

I do not live in an area where babysitting agencies operate.

If you live in an area with people I can be almost certain that’s not true