Do you think those who recieve free childcare from their parents...

[OnTrain]

...should pay them back when the grandparents are old by looking after them more than the sibling who has asked of little from them?

Not necessarily as a carer, but to be there for chores, general help etc.

This thought occured to me this morning as I have once again been left alone in my pil’s house, for the 3rd time in 3 days, while they have gone off to help bil dh’s (brother) with something which doesn’t need 3 of them! (Pil has gone to look after dniece(4) and mil, bil have gone to supermarket. I offered to help but bil said that pil are fine. They do it every week apparently.

Dh or I don’t live nearby, dh is working so I’m here alone.

We don’t live near family so we just get on with things, pay for childcare, take kids to supermarket or bank or whatever.

Bil lives 10mins down the road and pil look after dn 3 times a week, plus see them most days for dinner, plus general abandonment of child when bil/sil go out with friends.

Now it doesn’t really bother me now, but I’m thinking, when pil are really old and frail I really hope sil takes the brunt of the looking after.

Really? It had never occurred to me that my shitty life was in any way odd

Oh come on you have posted some really weird things without explanation. Your children could cause embarrassment or shame if they went to a childminder? You are not allowed a babysitter?

Yes it's odd.

We don't know why this is. Now you mention you have a 'shitty' life, can we try to offer advice or support?

Fine. Don't have a go at people for commenting. If you don't want anyone to comment don't post weird things.

Erm, ok. Do you just post weird shit because you want people to question it so you can be like this?

More weird.

Singelistan, do you come from a very traditional Muslim background?
Because for me, in that context, your comments make sense.
I remember having to explain to a Y6 class what an old people’s home was. Once they finally got their heads round the concept, they were horrified.
Point is, your situation is not the norm. People will be incredulous that you tolerate it.

My db/dsil had loads of childcare help from my dm. We didn't when ds was young because of their then ill health. db now lives in 7 hrs away, has separated from dsil who lives locally.

In my head I’m wondering whether Bil would get annoyed with us if we don’t help more when they are older.

Am I annoyed db doesn't help now they are older, hell yes, just because it is hard work not because of previous help they were given, but he is too far away to do anything practically so we just need to get on with it.

Fuck that. If DH wants to care for his mum then fine. I won't be doing it!

There is a clear difference between helping with chores, shoppings lifts etc than being a carer. The former I think any decent person should do regardless of whether they have given childcare or not, I.e even childless people.

The latter I would never do, my parents and PIL have both expressed they would never want it either.

Now it doesn’t really bother me now,

That's patently untrue.

OP has changed name mid thread, not helpful.

When the time comes that your PiL need assistance, it will be your DH and not you who decides. How fortunate for them.

You sound bitter. You didn't get the free childcare because of the distance but you're happy to criticise others who no doubt appreciate it. Why aren't you more worried about the lack of bonding between your children and their grandparents, compared to those who see them often?

The family living nearest is likely to be the one which benefits from regular childcare/babysitting etc the most. They will also be the ones who are nearest when their elderly relatives need more looking after as they age. So to be honest, that's fair IMO.

That's exactly our situation, anyway. My parents are no longer with us, but PILs are a few miles away. DH's siblings and families are considerably further away (in one case overseas) so they just aren't around more than once or twice a year at most. They are, however, extremely grateful for all we do for PILs, and say so regularly.

DH is round there now, drinking tea and changing light bulbs.

SIL and BIL live next door to PIL. They have had 90% of the childcare over the years (due to circumstance, we are an hour away), + financial help we've never had. PIL have enough money to pay for help as they get older and IMO as they've spent their lives 'saving for their old age' they shouldn't have any objection to paying for cleaners, gardeners, home helps, taxis etc. As I suspect that would go against the grain, I guess SIL and BIL will be roped in. I would expect their input to be 90% in relation to our 10%, again, due to circumstances from which they have benefitted massively over the years.

arm there’s 30yrs between my dh mum and my mum. I don’t know if I can look after both sets of parents as it’ll be one then the other and be for a very long time. Although, saying that, no one in my family has ever lived past 70.

No I haven’t silvery

My SIL was brilliant with my parents. It wasn’t tit-for-tat. She did not get childcare apart from the odd babysitting. She did it because she cared.

SIL gets loads of free childcare from PIL. It comes when a huge wedge of judgement and interference though.

I really think she ought to do the majority of their care as they age because IMO she’s contributed to their decline from the demands she’s put on them. She seems to think they are young, fit, and have nothing else in their life but care for her kids.

However, because it’s (eastenders style) faaaaaamly, the person who ends up doing the care won’t be the one who owes them the most. It will be the one most keen for their approval - BIL.

This is why, as much as I love PIL, we keep our distance to some extent, don’t ask for childcare etc. Family dynamics are rarely ‘fair’.

Typo 🙄

I wouldn't take a 4 yr old to the supermarket on Christmas Eve either

I never understand people (and there are a lot of them on mumsnet!) who move hours away from the family and then begrudge other people who get help when they live within 10 minutes.

I am the BIL/ SIL in this situation and I get free childcare/ babysitters/ will you pick up milk when you're at the shop to save me lugging two kids out.

I've also wiped my own grandads arse on occasion when I've cared for him when my DGM (who provides the childcare) goes on holiday. I go round and clean their skirtings because she is capable of walking the kids to and from school, but can't bend down to reach them.

It's give and take. I'm extremely grateful for the help she provides but honestly I think this whole debate is mostly a class issue, when you grow up in an ex-mining/ working class place its pretty norma for the grandparents to have the kids in retirement, and for the middle generation to do lots of running around, pick ups, drop offs, making sure Aunty Sandra gets out to the bingo when it's icy out. The people I read of who can't seem to get their heads around this are the people who have moved 100s of miles away for high flying careers and then bitch and moan that they're paying £100s a month in childcare.

I quite like the fact that in my circles it still takes a village to raise a child and care for the elderly.

sinister you have no idea about the relationship my dc have with their dg Just because they don’t live locally

never they NEVER take her! Ever!

.hundred my children have a much better lifestyle where they live now compared to where my pil’s live. It’s not worth it to move there just for childcare

Sometimes this all gets a bit messy re the grandparents babysitting and then said children being the carers if your family keep relocating. My mantra is we all help each other out, especially elderly parents no matter what has happened in the past.

My eldest brother first benefited from free childcare, then my parents moved to be near me so I benefited from free childcare when DD was little. Then said parents moved closer to our youngest brother and have remained there since. I do feel slightly guilty that he has become the shopper, ferrying to GP appointments etc when he got little baby-sitting services.

I do try and pull my weight but being a skint single parent makes it hard when my mum lives 3 hours away. Sadly it is what it is.

I will help but it this type of thing is somewhat transactional.

Both sides have helped other siblings and so I do expect those that have benefitted from full time and free childcare to take the lion's share in looking after elderly parents.

In the case of my parents, they always played favourites, looked after the dc of two siblings which meant they were too busy to help with mine. They put all of their eggs in the wrong baskets. My oldest sister has very little to do with them now.

Other side would like us to go halves on an expensive holiday for ILs as a thank you Christmas present for all of their support. We've got them a nice present but like fuck and I going spend 000s to subside free childcare for my DH's family.

My parents are dead...so I've received no help from them obviously but likewise won't have to look after them in their old age.

Only mil is around and she has never done a thing to help us so I certainly won't be doing a thing to help her....not that it's expected anyway. Up to my oh what he wants to do.