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Original poster

Christmas plans and ill MIL - wwyd?? Help, please...

67 replies

whiteworld · 20/12/2018 10:28

MIL is 3 and has dementia. She broke her hip a week ago and has been in hospital since. The op to fix her hip went well but her dementia is worse. She can only swallow thickened drinks and, is not eating yet, and her speech is not what it was before the op.

Thing is, we are meant to be going to my family for Xmas - 400 miles away. Would mean being away for a week. MIL has nobody else.

WWYD? Change plans and stay here? We're not sure when she will get out of hosp and go back to her care home.

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 20/12/2018 10:30

Only you can decide, obviously you know best what difference your being there would make. I'd be inclined either to cancel, or to make the trip shorter.

GhostSauce · 20/12/2018 10:31

Does she still recognise you and your family?

Do the hospital think she is likely to pull through and be able to go home soon?

Original poster
whiteworld · 20/12/2018 10:33

The thing is, even if we visit for say 2 hours a day, there's still 22 hours we're not there. But a week is a long time to be away at this stage. DH would be happier if she was out of hosp and back in the care home before we go away.

Doctors have not given a discharge date...

Yes, she recognises us.

OP posts:

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Dementia & alzheimer's
AmIAWeed · 20/12/2018 10:33

If this were one of your parents would you be with them?
I personally think under the circumstances if my parents were Ill they would want me there, and so they would understand if I cancelled last minute to be with my MIL.
I appreciate the dementia means there is every chance she won't know if you are there or not but you will

Original poster
whiteworld · 20/12/2018 10:35

Yes, that's a really good point weed. I'd want to be with them.

OP posts:
GhostSauce · 20/12/2018 10:36

Options are:

You all stay
You all go away
DH stays and you go

Have you asked MIL what she wants? I would personally hate for someone to change their plans and miss their trip for me if I was coherent and not at deaths door.

MsPavlichenko · 20/12/2018 10:39

I would stay in the circumstances. As you say you'd want to be there for your parents. I expect your DH, and probably you would only worry if you went anyhow.

You can perhaps go for a shorter vist if she gets out.

catlass · 20/12/2018 10:39

Sorry to hear about your MIL being unwell. I would stay if it were mine (even though she drives me batty 😂).

marmiteloversunite · 20/12/2018 10:41

Could you go to your family for New Years once you know how she is getting on?

Have you asked the Matron or discharge team how long she will be in there?

My DF has dementia and is on thickened drinks. Is in a care home but he knows who we are. So I understand how you feel.

Original poster
whiteworld · 20/12/2018 10:44

DH stays and you go - we spoke about this but the dc don't want this.

Have you asked MIL what she wants?
She would not be able to say.

We have asked about discharge, and I know they want to discharge as many people as poss before Christmas, but they want her to have a bowel movement first (sorry, tmi). Will ask again today.

OP posts:
Original poster
whiteworld · 20/12/2018 10:45

Shorter visits are tricky because of the length of the drive.
We have plans for new year. We had thought about going a couple of days later.

OP posts:
marmiteloversunite · 20/12/2018 10:48

So hard. I'm sorry. The speech and language specialist just came in to try and get DF to eat but he won't.

The thing is they can't remember that you visited yesterday but they are pleased to see you when you do.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 20/12/2018 10:48

How many cars do you have (we only have one so this wouldn’t work), if you have 2 could you both go and just dh come home early?

Time40 · 20/12/2018 10:53

As she still recognises you, I think someone needs to be with her. Do you have DC, or is it just you and your DH? If you have DC, I think you should take them to your family, and your DH should stay with his mum. If it's just the two of you, I think I'd cancel the trip and stay with your DH and his mum.

vdbfamily · 20/12/2018 10:54

If she is in a care home who are able to manage her with her current level of function, the likelihood is the hospital will focus on getting her bowels open and discharge her this side of the weekend. You were presumably not planning to take her with you anyway so she would have not have had you around at Christmas anyway.
I think it will probably pan out and you will be able to see her settled back at her home and then go anyway.

Sirzy · 20/12/2018 10:55

Can you go to your parents just for a few days instead?

I wouldn’t leave her for a week.

twentypencemore · 20/12/2018 10:56

My dad has dementia and broke his hip recently, he was in hospital three and a half weeks, we cancelled a holiday to be with him.There's no way I could enjoy Christmas if I thought he was in hospital and I was 400 miles away. We're not actually having a 'proper' Christmas this year because of dad, we have to treat it like a normal day otherwise it's too overwhelming for him.

TheSpottedZebra · 20/12/2018 10:58

Could your parents come to you? Even if for a short break?

Time40 · 20/12/2018 10:59

Sorry, OP; we cross-posted. You have DC.

DH stays and you go - we spoke about this but the dc don't want this

To be brutal, in a situation like this, it's not really for the children to decide what happens. This is a decision that has to be made by the adults. I still think your DH should stay and you should go.

Original poster
whiteworld · 20/12/2018 10:59

We do have two cars but I don't fancy driving 800 miles by myself!! My parents are 400 miles away.

Our dc definitely don't want to be without dh for Xmas. And nor do I.

Yes, she has a place in a nursing ward in the care home.

The thing is they can't remember that you visited yesterday but they are pleased to see you when you do. - yes.

You were presumably not planning to take her with you anyway so she would have not have had you around at Christmas anyway. - No, but it's different her being in a familar home and her being in an unfamiliar hospital ward.

OP posts:
Time40 · 20/12/2018 11:00

Oh, and sorry, OP. I know all too well what this situation is like. It's tough. Hang on in there, and I hope it works out as well as it can for you.

dreamingofsun · 20/12/2018 11:00

nothing much to add....but think vdb has a point. i'd cancel visit to your parents, but if possible leave it slightly open so that if your MIL gets settled you can still go albeit for a shorter period of time

Original poster
whiteworld · 20/12/2018 11:00

Could your parents come to you? Even if for a short break?

We have nothing organised or planned. House is a state. And we have other family in their home town they're hosting for Xmas too!

OP posts:
Original poster
whiteworld · 20/12/2018 11:01

Thanks, Time40, but our dc are old enough to discuss things like this with. We will make the decision but we want them to be happy with it too.

OP posts:
Time40 · 20/12/2018 11:02

If you don't want to do the drive on your own, which I can totally understand, then I think you should all stay. At least you will all be together then, and you can all go to see your own family later.

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