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Original poster

Christmas plans and ill MIL - wwyd?? Help, please...

67 replies

whiteworld · 20/12/2018 10:28

MIL is 3 and has dementia. She broke her hip a week ago and has been in hospital since. The op to fix her hip went well but her dementia is worse. She can only swallow thickened drinks and, is not eating yet, and her speech is not what it was before the op.

Thing is, we are meant to be going to my family for Xmas - 400 miles away. Would mean being away for a week. MIL has nobody else.

WWYD? Change plans and stay here? We're not sure when she will get out of hosp and go back to her care home.

OP posts:

GhostSauce · 20/12/2018 11:04

I know it's a pain, but drive to your hometown for 3 days then return home to MIL?

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2018 11:08

I think you should stay. Surely nobody would leave their partner on their own over Christmas with their very ill mother in hospital?

Didiusfalco · 20/12/2018 11:09

No, someone has to stay. A week is too long. I think the options are dh stays, you all stay, you do a shorter visit to your family.

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underneaththeash · 20/12/2018 11:24

I'd Just go on Boxing Day instead, you can't really leave her over Christmas in hospital.

Ariela · 20/12/2018 11:48

I'd cut your holiday in two - go to your parents for say 3-4 days.

Then I'd get in touch with the Royal Voluntary Service, there will be a branch operating in your local hospital they usually run a Welcome desk.
They usually do a visiting service on the wards, or at least come round with the snacks and sweets so I'd ask if they can visit your MIL on the ward while you are away - I'd hope they've usually plenty of volunteers around Christmas time. i'd ask the kids to draw some pictures, write some letters etc and print out some photos, pop them in batches in an addressed envelope and ask if the volunteers can deliver them in on your behalf. I'm sure your MIL will be delighted with the photos etc, and probably won't have too much concept of time without seeing you all.
IF RVS cannot help do you have a friend locally could pop in instead?

tumpymummy · 20/12/2018 11:55

How hard for you. How often do you see your parents? If not often (because they are far away) I have to say I would be inclined to stick to the plan and go and see them, otherwise they will also miss out on seeing you and their grandchildren. Presumably you see MIL much more often?

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2018 11:58

“Presumably you see MIL much more often?”

She is 95, very frail and has just had surgery. This is not the time, surely, to be doing tally charts.

PlaymobilPirate · 20/12/2018 12:02

I'd stay. It's one year. She possible won't be here next year which means you can go to your parents every year to come.

DearGoodnessIsThatTheTime · 20/12/2018 12:46

In the future, which will decision will you be happier that you made? That’s the decision you have to make now.

Fresh01 · 20/12/2018 13:41

We had a family member pass away from dementia earlier this year. It is a heartbreaking illness to watch progress and the person change from what they were to a shell. If she still recognises you and has some communication skills/awareness of her surroundings I would change my plans and be with them on Christmas Day. As the time is coming soon when the little awareness that is left will be gone.

I would make definite plans to see your family for a few days over the festive period, when she is back in the nursing home, but not leaving her alone over Christmas itself.

DocusDiplo · 20/12/2018 14:56

Just stay . There will be plenty more Christmases.

KittenEsque · 20/12/2018 15:03

Stay. Throw together a last-minute tipsy-turvy stay at home Xmas. Go and see your parents another time. It will mean the world to her. And you will look back in later years and be glad you were there for her.

PositivelyPERF · 20/12/2018 15:03

Which is going to stick in your mind the longest? The fact that you missed Christmas with your parents or the fact that you left your very elderly, ill, mil, by herself in hospital? I’m not asking to be cruel. I think you have to seriously consider that anything could happen while your away. Yes, anything can happen while she’s in the nursing home, but at east she would be surrounded by people that know and care for her.

NoCanoe · 20/12/2018 15:09

Stay.

knittedjest · 20/12/2018 15:16

If your children are old enough to have a discuss christmas visting arrangements with than they are old enough to have some empathy for grandma and realize that she's sick and in pain and that she can't be left alone in hospital for a week, especially over Christmas.

Original poster

whiteworld · 20/12/2018 17:01

Yes, and they do. They just wanted us all to be together at Xmas, not for dh to stay here by himself.

Just back from visiting. She didn't recognise me. Quite away with the fairies - but that might improve when she's back in the home. She's improving every day physically, though.

OP posts:

jessstan2 · 20/12/2018 17:38

Go to your parents when your MIL is back in her care home. Your parents will understand, you can 'do' Christmas with them a bit later. You will still have Christmas at home with your children.

This situation is not something likely to happen again. I think you can suck it up as a one off.

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2018 18:01

You honestly can’t leave your dp at home alone at Christmas with his mother in hospital.

KittenEsque · 20/12/2018 18:06

Seems appropriate

Asmallrole · 20/12/2018 18:10

The ward will be pushing for transfer back to the nursing home ASAP, if she is physically stable enough to go. They will be aware that the longer the stay, the more the risk of complications; and of course pressure on beds is constant in Winter. I think you may still be able to go, even if its last minute.
I feel for you.

Andylion · 20/12/2018 18:27

They just wanted us all to be together at Xmas, not for dh to stay here by himself.

Then you all stay.

LittleMissEngineer · 20/12/2018 18:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

shiningstar2 · 20/12/2018 18:42

These things happen when you have elderly parents. I have every sympathy. My mother is 87 and MIL is 93. We often have to modify or change plans. I think your best solution is to go for a shorter period of time. Visit straight before and after. Not ideal but nor or any of the other solutions. Both you and your husband will feel better if you find some kind of compromise which considers your MILs situation. Hope you figure it out op.

Original poster

whiteworld · 20/12/2018 18:54

You honestly can’t leave your dp at home alone at Christmas with his mother in hospital.

No, that was one option we had all agreed on wouldn't work!

How old is she?
94

How is her physical health otherwise?
She's frail but tougher than she looks... She has dementia and anxiety.

Is she up and mobile yet?
She was in a chair today. She's had 2x physio. She was able to stand up today.

I'm sorry about your mum, Engineer.

Problem with going for a shorter time is it's 9-hour drive to my family!!

OP posts:

MortyVicar · 20/12/2018 19:31

OP I'm sensing that what you really want from MN is to be told go to your parents, MiL will be fine.

As you can see, that isn't happening. This is about your DH's mother, and therefore about him and his feelings. You haven't mentioned what he wants to do - would he prefer to stay at home? If so, that's what you do.

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