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Original poster

Grieving family want teddy back

104 replies

dentydown · 15/12/2018 13:29

This is a tricky one. We have a family friend who died recently. On one visit (about 6 months ago) she gave my little one a teddy (she’s 2.5 years old).
This teddy has become a comforter for her. So she won’t go to sleep without the teddy. Her eldest daughter has asked her husband for it back as a memento.
Her husband (widower) says no, the teddy should remain with my little one because she will get more pleasure out of it.
I want to give it back because, she was estranged from her mum and it’s the only reminder. I can’t find a duplicate or one similar but I’m still searching.
They’ve told the daughter that the home threw out her soft toys at the moment.
Wwyd I’m torn!

OP posts:
arwenearlythereyet · 15/12/2018 18:57

Her mum died. Give her the teddy.

Lucked · 15/12/2018 19:05

You could phone her and talk to her. The teddy could have looked new but her mum may have had it a while. I have teddies from 6 years ago when my son was born with tags still on which look brand new.

Maybe they won/bought the teddy on a holiday and it is a good memory for her, there could be an emotional connection you don’t know about.

If she has no connection I would probably say no as it was a gift to your child from your friend.

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 15/12/2018 19:16

I would return it

Oakmaiden · 15/12/2018 19:18

Her mum died. Give her the teddy.

I just can't think why you wouldn't. She clearly has a reason for asking. It is clearly important to her. Even if she is 60 years old, why wouldn't you?

Paxotank · 15/12/2018 19:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MilkyCuppa · 15/12/2018 19:28

@Paxotank that’s disgraceful! When your Gran died her property passed to your Grandad, who chose to give it to his own son (for his wife to wear) and eventually to you, their daughter. Grandma’s niece has absolutely no claim to inherit anything! Why should your Dad let his Mum’s rings go to his cousin instead of keeping them himself for his own wife and daughter to wear! The jewellery should definitely not have been handed over to her!

MilkyCuppa · 15/12/2018 19:32

OP the age of the daughter is relevant here. I’m assuming she’s an adult because she’s from her mothers first marriage, is old enough to be estranged and old enough to have a mother in a care home. As an adult she needs to get over herself, she can’t take a toy off a child who loves it!

If they’re estranged how does she even know what toys her mother had? Or has she just asked for an unspecified toy or memento, not the specific toy your DD has? Did the lady have no other toys, is there literally no other memento? (I find that hard to believe)

VladmirsPoutine · 15/12/2018 19:37

Really?

llangennith · 15/12/2018 19:42

I'd return it. Get another teddy for your DD. It will mean for more to the deceased's DD.

Ivegotthree · 15/12/2018 19:42

Give it back no question

Molakai · 15/12/2018 19:59

It will mean for more to the deceased's DD

How do you know that? We don't know the whole story.

For all we know, the woman was known for having soft toys. She chose one Teddy specfically to give to the OP's daughter. This teddy is now the 2 year old's and the OP has lost the family friend who obviously cared about her and her DD.

The estranged daughter may simply have asked her stepfather for one of her mother's soft toys as a keepsake. Perhaps all others were thrown out by the home and this Teddy is the only one he knows the whereabouts of. The toy itself may have absolutely no personal meaning to the daughter. Whereas, it was specifically chosen and given pesonally to the OP's dd.

So, if that were the scenario, I'd say the teddy stays with OP. BUT we don't know what the scenario is because the OP hasn't told us.

Ellisandra · 15/12/2018 20:42

Why do people keep saying the daughter is taking the toy off a child? Confused

We know very little from the OP, but we do know that the daughter doesn’t know the child has the toy!

All that is happened is that a bereaved young woman has said to her stepfather “can I have x cuddly toy?” (and is clearly specific enough about it for the stepfather and OP to identify it)

And yet people are calling her prime to drama! She has done nothing wrong. All she has done is ask for a toy that she has no reason to know means anything to anyone else.

Chances are if the stepfather were just honest with her, she’d say “I’m glad the toddler loves it”.

Far better sport to call her a drama queen though, hey? Hmm

LovelyBranches · 15/12/2018 20:53

We need more details OP. I lost my dad at a relatively young age and I can’t imagine asking for anything of his. I kept his hairbrush because I had childhood memories of wanting my hair to be brushed with his soft bristled brush instead of the hard bristled brush that actually got the knots out.

I’d need to know the age of the daughter and her link with the teddy bear before making any informed decision here.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 15/12/2018 20:57

You should return it.

Your daughter is only 2. She won’t remember the teddy and it has no sentimental value to her, whereas it does to the eldest daughter of the woman who died.

HerRoyalNotness · 15/12/2018 20:59

Cut open the teddy to see if it’s cilled with the family diamonds. Then sew it up and let your Dd keep it.

It’s a funny thing for the friends Dd to be fixated on, but her SF has dealt with it by saying he home threw it out.

Katedotness1963 · 15/12/2018 21:00

I'd give it to the daughter, it may help her grief.

Melliejellie · 15/12/2018 21:02

I would need to know more, like why that specific bear?

SpoonBlender · 15/12/2018 21:14

Having just lost my mum this summer - I'd give the bear to the daughter.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/12/2018 21:41

Grief isn't rational. Give them the teddy back. The only reason you don't want to is because you're scared your child won't sleep and that's your problem not theirs.

That's a very unpleasant thing to say.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the deceased lady's daughter wanting the teddy, it is far from unusual for a child to latch on to a specific teddy or blanket and to want to cuddle it when they sleep or are upset - and to be inconsolable if they can't have it for any reason. 2 is certainly not too young for the attachment to be formed or for the child to not notice if her possession is taken from her.

Just because she is only 2 does not mean that the little girl is not deserving of respect. She has been given a present and told it is now hers. Somebody else (not the giver who, I assume, owned it/bought it and therefore had the right to give it away) has asked for it.

What lesson does it teach her if her treasured possession is simply taken away from her (whether directly or by trying to fool her, as some PPs have suggested) - just because somebody believes that they want it more than she does? At what age is she supposed to assume that a person is allowed to gain rights over their own property?

Of course, the teddy doesn't have much intrinsic financial value, but it is dearly loved by the little girl - as she uses it to comfort herself when she sleeps. How is that any less important than if, say, it had been a valuable car given to the little girl's DM, who dearly loved it and used it to travel around everywhere in - and the giver's relative asked for it back?

The only person who should really decide whether to give the teddy away (not 'back', unless there are crucial details that haven't been given) is the girl who owns it.

If the bereaved daughter is a child herself, then maybe she could talk simply to the little girl and tell her why it means so much to her - more than anything else her DM owned. If she is an adult (and assuming that the teddy was bought relatively recently and isn't her own childhood comforter), she really should just accept it.

Is OP coming back at all?

AngeloMysterioso · 15/12/2018 21:57

Your friend gave it to your DD. Your DD should have it. If your friend had wanted her own DD to have it she would have given it to her.

Justaboy · 16/12/2018 00:48

An old worn teddy from childhood could easily have sentimental value

Umm bit embarrsing to say this but my olde ted still sits on an olde chair in the corner of my room some 60 odd years later;!

ohchristmastreeoh · 16/12/2018 08:17

@Ellisandra it was a new teddy, given as a gift to the toddler...

Ellisandra · 16/12/2018 08:32

@ohchristmastreeoh I don’t think that’s right, based on the first 2 posts and the situation described.

The first post said it was given to the toddler.
The second said it was “quite new”.

Quite new suggests that it was bought brand new as a gift for the toddler. It wasn’t new-new, but something the dying lady had recently acquired.

Then the situation of the daughter asking for it - if it was bought new as a gift for the toddler then why would the daughter even be aware of it to be able to ask for it?

It sounds much more like the woman took it to the home (sounds like a hospice?) with her, or was given it whilst there. Then, she chose to give it to the toddler.

As it was quite new, it seems plausible to me that the soft toy:

  • was a gift from the daughter
  • was seen by the daughter as something belonging to her mum, and she’d like it as a keepsake

Neither of which is being “prone to drama” or a fixation as some other posters have said.

I accept that people can have different opinions on who should have it. I don’t accept anyone call this bereaved daughter a drama queen on such scant information.

Ellisandra · 16/12/2018 08:33

wasn’t bought

ohchristmastreeoh · 16/12/2018 08:34

@Ellisandra if it was a gift from the daughter then 😱!!

I think we need more info from the OP here as I think everyone is conjuring images in their head, all of which could be wrong!!

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