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Original poster

Grieving family want teddy back

104 replies

dentydown · 15/12/2018 13:29

This is a tricky one. We have a family friend who died recently. On one visit (about 6 months ago) she gave my little one a teddy (she’s 2.5 years old).
This teddy has become a comforter for her. So she won’t go to sleep without the teddy. Her eldest daughter has asked her husband for it back as a memento.
Her husband (widower) says no, the teddy should remain with my little one because she will get more pleasure out of it.
I want to give it back because, she was estranged from her mum and it’s the only reminder. I can’t find a duplicate or one similar but I’m still searching.
They’ve told the daughter that the home threw out her soft toys at the moment.
Wwyd I’m torn!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/12/2018 17:17

*would explain

Lifeofsmiley · 15/12/2018 17:22

This teddy is a gift from your friend to your daughter and I would let your dd keep it.

strawberrypenguin · 15/12/2018 17:34

If it was a 'new' Teddy not one that belonged to the daughter I'd let DD keep it. It's hers, is important to her and was gifted to her by your friend.

I think the daughter is strange to even ask to be honest. She's literally taking toys from a child. I'm sure there must be other things of her mums rather than a teddy she has no previous attachment to.

lifebegins50 · 15/12/2018 17:37

How old is the daughter?

Ragaroo · 15/12/2018 17:38

Your friend gave it to your daughter as a gift, so I would let your daughter keep it. When you are older, momentos tend to sit in a corner a gather dust, I don't think yours friends would get as much comfort from it as she thinks. Nothing can replace or make up for the loss of your mother. As a child I was devasted whenever I lost a toy or something that was a comforter to me.

WarCat · 15/12/2018 17:39

Grief isn't rational. Give them the teddy back. The only reason you don't want to is because you're scared your child won't sleep and that's your problem not theirs.

LadyPasserine · 15/12/2018 17:40

Ignore the 'rights' and 'rules' that other posters are spouting. There are none, there never are.

Just do what you think is right.

recently · 15/12/2018 17:42

Why would she want a teddy that has been given to someone else? It's not a memento of the giver? Strange.

Molakai · 15/12/2018 17:44

Could you clarify the connection between the daughter and the bear please OP.

You said the bear is fairly new and the woman was estranged from her DD. How did the daughter know about the bear and that it had been given to your dd?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2018 17:44

Keep it. It was a gift to your DC. That’s it.

Starlight456 · 15/12/2018 17:52

My Ds at that age had his special bear he still sleeps with at 11.

Grief or not this woman wanted dc to have bear and what greater pleasure than a bear becomes a truly loved gift.

2 year olds can be fickle but not about a loved bear.

Ethel36 · 15/12/2018 17:53

I would keep it. Its not fair to take it off a little child after it was given to her. Especially when she uses it for bedtime. Just tell the person who wants it , "when my child becomes less attached to Ted, I 'll send it to you."

Ellisandra · 15/12/2018 17:54

@strawberrypenguin - I don’t think she is “taking a toy from a child”.
She doesn’t know the child was given it.

This girl (young woman?) is simply asking for a toy which as far as she knows, was with her mother in a home (hospice?) in her final days.

There is more to this than the OP is sharing (probably because she doesn’t know).

@recently - from the OP’s posts, I don’t think it is strange - because she doesn’t know the OP’s toddler has it!

She’s just a recently bereaved young woman who wants something that her mother recently had before she died.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2018 17:59

That specific bear clearly means a lot to the daughter who has lost her mother. I would give it back.

Skipuation · 15/12/2018 17:59

Keep the bear. Your friend wanted your dd to have it.

Anothermothersusername · 15/12/2018 18:03

It was your friends wish for your little girl to have the teddy. And your little girl will miss the teddy if you take it from her and at her age she won’t understand. I would keep the teddy.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/12/2018 18:04

Details are left out here. This request would only make sense if the daughter had given it to her mother as a present. It may be extra special because the mother may have rejected all previous gifts to maybe make amends and while terminally In may have accepted the teddy off her estranged daughter, hence the daughter placing some emotional significance on it.

It’s a difficult one, but I don’t understand why you don’t seem to know the reason for the request, Op. The widower would surely have explained the seemingly odd request to have the teddy back? Ie why it was so special to the daughter?

MaisyPops · 15/12/2018 18:04

Grief isn't logical and in this situation i'd be included to respect the deceased's wishes. She gave a gift to your child. Her widower agrees.
Grief is horrible, but unless there's a massive drip feed how the teddy in question is actually the daughter's teddy from childhood then I can't see why you'd upset a child and ignore a gift from your friend.

Justaboy · 15/12/2018 18:05

Here you go! Get a slighty bigger teddy and dress it up in a father Xmas suit and tell the little one that Ted's been away to train to be a teddy bear father Xmas and thats why he's 'err a bit bigger, and looks a bit different cos he's had to eat a lot of mince pies and after all won't the little teddy bears he's going to vsit and she'll be honored that her teddy bear has such an important job to do?

That migh save the day;)

Molakai · 15/12/2018 18:07

OP if you actually want advice, you will have to give proper information.

People are making up their own stories to fill the gaps ; care homes, hospices, the age of the estranged daughter, that the bear was of sentimental value to the daughter ....etc. etc.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/12/2018 18:07

And the widower wouldn’t have wanted to admit to the estranged daughter that in fact her mother did NOT keep the gift and gave it away instead. Hence the stalling...

SoupDragon · 15/12/2018 18:07

Would she have given that particular bear as a gift if she knew it had some kind of sentimental value to her daughter though?

SoupDragon · 15/12/2018 18:08

that the bear was of sentimental value to the daughter

That's not made up - clearly it has some kind of value to the daughter or she wouldn't have requested that specific bear would she?

ItIsChristmasTime · 15/12/2018 18:10

If it’s the only reminder of her mum, I would give it back. Perhaps try harder to find a replica (eBay is often good for teddies that are no longer in stock) for your daughter and perhaps try to gentle wean your daughter off it so the transition is not as hard for her.

Molakai · 15/12/2018 18:54

that the bear was of sentimental value to the daughter

That's not made up - clearly it has some kind of value to the daughter or she wouldn't have requested that specific bear would she?

I completely understand the assumption SoupDragon but we can't be certain of anything without clarification. OP has given so little information that it is difficult to make sense.

OP says the bear is relatively new - which is difficut to square with the idea that it is of sentimental value to the daughter (whose age we don't know). OP reports that it's the DD's "only reminder" - but doesn't explain what that means, or how that could be.

How does a bear that is relatively new come to hold such emotion if the daughter has been estranged? I'm not saying its impossible, just that the OP weirdly left out that information.

Maybe the bear does have deep significance to woman's estranged daughter - or maybe the daughter is an odd individual .....We don't know.