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Original poster

Grieving family want teddy back

104 replies

dentydown · 15/12/2018 13:29

This is a tricky one. We have a family friend who died recently. On one visit (about 6 months ago) she gave my little one a teddy (she’s 2.5 years old).
This teddy has become a comforter for her. So she won’t go to sleep without the teddy. Her eldest daughter has asked her husband for it back as a memento.
Her husband (widower) says no, the teddy should remain with my little one because she will get more pleasure out of it.
I want to give it back because, she was estranged from her mum and it’s the only reminder. I can’t find a duplicate or one similar but I’m still searching.
They’ve told the daughter that the home threw out her soft toys at the moment.
Wwyd I’m torn!

OP posts:
Oldraver · 15/12/2018 14:08

You say it's quite new, so was it a present bought specifically by your friend for your DD ? If so then she has a cheek asking for it.

If it was some kind of family heirloom or something your friend had from childhood then I might think about giving it back

Treebauble · 15/12/2018 14:08

I have 2 boys the same age. Just give her a couple new Teddies and give that one back. Grief is a strange thing and your child will go through so many toys, is it really worth the upset?

TonTonMacoute · 15/12/2018 14:11

Buy your daughter a bigger teddy, she is only 2 and will forget

Why should she? OP has said how important it is to her. When DS was 12 he temporarily lost his Gromit soft toy, that he had had since he was born. He still gets choked up talking about it, it meant so much to him - he is nearly 20!

BlackBeltInPresentWrapping · 15/12/2018 14:13

It doesn't sound like the widower will be overly concerned about the daughter's feelings. Estranged or not, she has still lost her mother. The estrangement could well make her grieving even more difficult and complicated. For some reason, the teddy is significant to her. I would make sure she receives it, and let Father Christmas provide my DD with a replacement. Condolences, OP.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 15/12/2018 14:16

The dynamics in the other family sound complex and painful. Your DD is loved and secure. On the face of it, you have the skills to navigate this one with your daughter while the other family do not. Return the teddy and find a replacement for your daughter.

7salmonswimming · 15/12/2018 14:17

How old is the daughter asking for the teddy back?

Sounds as though there’s a lot more to this.

zen1 · 15/12/2018 14:18

So the friend bought your daughter the teddy new? If that’s the case, the daughter has no connection to it.

winsinbin · 15/12/2018 14:21

If it’s a cheap teddy I doubt it will be outing to post a picture. There will be 1000s of families who have an identical one. As PP have said this is an unusual situation which would be easily identifiable to anyone involved. A photo of a mass produced teddy isn’t going to make much difference one way or another but could solve your problem OP.

diddl · 15/12/2018 14:22

"They’ve told the daughter that the home threw out her soft toys at the moment."

What does that mean?

Why were the daughter & your friend estranged?

What do you think that your friend would have wanted?

AnnieOH1 · 15/12/2018 14:22

Sorry I would keep it. The deceased woman wanted your dd to have it, it seems disrespectful to ignore that let alone that her widower wants you to keep it. It sounds like the other daughter just wants drama.

ALemonyPea · 15/12/2018 14:25

Am I reading right, that the teddy was given to your DD by your friend who died? If so, then I'd not give it back, it was a gift and your friend wanted your DD to have it.

Andro · 15/12/2018 14:26

The teddy was given to your DD by your friend, your friend wanted your DD to have it - her widower agrees. That really ought to be the end of the matter. Grief is hard and had strange effects, but I'm not sure that disregarding the wishes of both your friend and her husband is the right way to go.

lilyblue5 · 15/12/2018 14:26

I’d respect the deceased wishes. She wanted the DD to have to teddy.

lilyblue5 · 15/12/2018 14:26

*your DD

BeekyChitch · 15/12/2018 14:32

I would keep it - your friend gave it to your daughter not her own. I'm sure there's plenty other things to remind an estranged daughter of her mum. Sounds like she's just looking to cause drama.

Ellisandra · 15/12/2018 14:33

I don’t quite understand your post about the wife’s first family. But you say it’s the wife’s oldest daughter, so it sounds like the widower is not her father?

In which case, I wouldn’t put much store by the widower saying don’t give it back - sounds like he is not her father, and has no relationship with her. That doesn’t really put him in a position to judge fairly, I think. (for all we know, he could be an arse instrumental in the estrangement!)

I’m also confused how an estranged daughter is aware of a soft toy that is quite new, given by a mother she was estranged from.

So - I feel like a big chunk of the story is missing, plus the age of the daughter is important. Estranged suggests adult age?

TBH, this girl has just lost him mum with obviously a lack of resolution. Possibly with guilt and regret. That sounds very very tough.

Presumably your child is aware of the death. I would get a new toy, and explain to your child that old you is going to be a special comfort to the daughter of the deceased. And that old toy wants new toy to take over being your child’s friend. Keep both toys at bedtime for a few nights, trial a night without old toy - and then give it up.

Even if the daughter is a drama queen... I’m still sympathetic to a teen/young woman (?) who has just lost her mother so young, and following a bad relationship.

queenrollo · 15/12/2018 14:35

It was a gift to your DD and unless it really is some prized heirloom or has significant sentimental value to the deceased's daughter then you should not give it back.

At the end of the day though, this woman was free to give her belongings away to whomever she chose, and no-one has the right after her death to claim these items back.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 15/12/2018 14:36

It is a really difficult situation but if you take the emotion out of it and look at the facts for a moment, the teddy should really be with the person the family friend gave it to, your daughter. It could be that your daughter is finding it a way to help with the loss of the friend too, they pick up more of this than we think sometimes. It would be wrong of this lady to be demanding it back and going against what her mother wanted.

ClosdesMouches · 15/12/2018 15:03

What queenrollo said.

CaliHummers · 15/12/2018 15:15

I'd ask the (presumably adult) estranged daughter to wait until after Christmas. Explain your DD's attachment to the teddy bear and say if she loses interest in it after Christmas you'll reconsider. Say you'll never throw the teddy away and if/ when your DD loses interest, you'll give it to estranged daughter.

In reality, I'd wait until after Christmas to see if the estranged daughter loses interest. And it gives you breathing space to think through the issues.

knittedjest · 15/12/2018 16:38

If the teddy was new and the daughter was estranged how does she even know about it let alone want it? There's part of the story missing here. I'm guessing she either brought it for her mother or she was there when it was brought and there is sentlemental reasoning behind it. A brand new teddy is extremely weird momento to want out of everything without a reason.

BlackBeltInPresentWrapping · 15/12/2018 16:52

the home threw out

I'm guessing this means that the OP's friend was in residential care, rather than living with her husband?

If so, perhaps her daughter visited her there? I wonder, why this teddy?

I agree, there are relevant details missing, but on the face of it I'd return the teddy directly to the daughter.

Twisique · 15/12/2018 17:10

Buy a similar one and return it to the daughter.

gamerchick · 15/12/2018 17:16

Don't you dare give it to her... Ridiculous Hmm it was a gift to your daughter. Give it back indeed, there is no back. It was a present.

If you must, buy a similar teddy, kick it about the house a bit and give her that.

Ellisandra · 15/12/2018 17:17

This newish teddy was in the home with the lady who was terminally ill, yes? Begore it was given to the OP’s daughter. And a supposedly estranged daughter knew it was there but didn’t know it had been gifted (or OP’s stalling about the home removing the soft toys wouldn’t wash).

I’m putting 2 + 2 together and making 5, the 5 being that the daughter gave the teddy to the dying mother (who buys a new soft toy for themselves in a hospice?).

That wouldn’t totally explain why the daughter would have a sentimental attachment to something that seems so unimportant - new and cheap. Perhaps it’s why it is this teddy over other things that’s important to her? Something she gave to her mother before she died - that she has no idea her mother just gave away.

If I’m anywhere near the money, I’d absolutely work towards getting it off a toddler to give back to her.

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