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Original poster

Washing 'his clothes' EOW

56 replies

Ifeelreallylow · 10/12/2018 09:19

I can imagine that this seems like a really petty post.

ExH was extremely abusive, to me and our DD. Went to court, he lied through his teeth, judge believed every word he said and disregarded all proof I gave and he got EOW access.
Judge did order that he provide everything they need when at his. He was furious as he wanted me to send them with weekend bags.

Now, we're into the rhythm of EOW but of course he refuses to change them back into the clothes/uniform they have gone to him wearing. They come home wearing the clothes he has bought. I then store these in a bag by the front door (I'm too paranoid to have them anywhere else in case I forget to send them back) which is really annoying as I don't like clutter. But also, I've washed them up til now as I don't know how many changes he has for them.
But I can see a pattern forming.
I'm now washing and drying and storing the clothes. Which then have to be returned. So he has me/them packing weekend bags anyway!

I want to send them back dirty and reiterate that he change the kids back into 'my' clothes before returning them as I don't want this pile of clothes hanging around for 2 weeks.

I feel if I don't take a stand in this I'll be doing it for the next decade!!
I'm so scared of him and paranoid about every little thing, which is all used to show what a crazy bitch I am... should I just suck it up and carry on? Or make my stand?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/12/2018 09:28

He is still controlling you

Send them back unwashed. Just stick them out of sight in a cupboard for 2 weeks.

AnyFucker · 10/12/2018 09:35

It's not at all petty, btw

Original poster
Ifeelreallylow · 10/12/2018 09:39

Thank you @AnyFucker
I needed that reassurance

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
RagingWhoreBag · 10/12/2018 09:42

How old are your DCs, could you ask them to change before they come home to save your storing their dad's clothes at your house? It will probably be easier for them to get into the habit of changing and leaving their stuff on the bed for him to wash than to try and 'train' him in any way to be more compliant.

Original poster
Ifeelreallylow · 10/12/2018 09:46

DD is 6, DS is 4.

I have spoken about it with dd, and she did come home in her school trousers, but she said her dad 'was not happy about her putting on dirty clothes from 2 days ago'

Underwear I said is fine. I don't want them to put dirty underwear on.

DS is oblivious. He will do it if asked in the moment. But he won't remember to do it.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 10/12/2018 09:51

Well if dad isn’t happy about them wearing dirty uniform there’s an easy solution for him....

The kids need their uniform. He’s being needlessly dickish. Send ‘his’ clothes back unwashed

GBPworries · 10/12/2018 10:03

So he sends "your" clothes back dirty but you wash, dry and iron "his" clothes? Madness! Send the clothes back unwashed. If he says anything then just point out that that's exactly what he does to you so surely he can't have a problem with it?
What a knob! It sounds like you're well rid, OP! Flowers

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/12/2018 10:17

Definitely don't wash them! Or keep them and dress the kids in them before they go to his so none of your stuff is going to his.

Original poster
Ifeelreallylow · 10/12/2018 10:28

Thank you for all replies.
I feel better now/. Less crazy and petty.

Absolutely excellent point. He doesn't wash their clothes. Just sends them back dirty.

He's an arse.
DD often cries because she doesn't like him saying bad things about me.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 10/12/2018 10:35

Stick them in a bag out of sight and send them back dirty. That’s essentially what he does to you.

TheExtraGuineaPig · 10/12/2018 10:51

I don't have anything to add except I'm really sorry you're going through this, and the children too of course. You're not petty at all and he is a total arse x

mummmy2017 · 10/12/2018 10:59

Do you collect or does he?

Jayfee · 10/12/2018 11:05

I am concerned for the children in this situation. It seems the focus is, understandably, on your feelings, but this can't be doing any good for the children's emotional well-being. Their clothes in a bag by the door all week?

Original poster
Ifeelreallylow · 10/12/2018 11:12

@Jayfee I can see this point.
So far they have been folded, in a pile or in a bag and sitting by the front door.

Neither one of them has mentioned it at all. But I had never thought anymore on it.
Perhaps in the cupboard is best.
I just have to remember the clothes prior to hand over.l!!

He collects and returns the children.

Friday hand over is at school.
Sunday return is on our local high street. Court ordered in a public place.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 10/12/2018 11:24

If he doesn't wash the clothes why should you?

Miggeldy · 10/12/2018 11:39

He's a twat.
Do the children really have to go to him? Can they not say no?
Definitely he's enjoying controlling you.

Original poster
Ifeelreallylow · 10/12/2018 12:01

Court ordered contact.
Cafcass interviewed DD. Who clammed up when asked about daddy, they took this and said they see no reason not to give contact.
No matter how much she cried or resisted supervised contact, they reported no issues.

Except 'the mother must give the children emotional permission to have a relationship with their father'

OP posts:
DBN1 · 14/12/2018 14:05

What did you do today OP? Did you send "his" dirty clothes back with the children? I do hope so.

picklemebaubles · 14/12/2018 14:25

Maybe don't send the clothes back.
If he doesn't like that, Let him approach you to work out a system to make sure DCs have what they need at each house.

Dowser · 14/12/2018 22:03

Please...don’t get into disputes about the clothes.

My dil is fighting for her children...has been for 9 months.
She tried to protect them...the judge gave the. To the father
She doesn’t even get eow...she gets 2 hours a week contacting a centre where they say the most stupid things

She’d love what you have

She’s in bits and so am I
Hug and love your children because she is starting to think she’ll never get them home again

Heartbreaking doesn’t touch it
😢😢😢

spreadingchestnuttree · 14/12/2018 22:16

Honestly, I think you need to forget your ex for a minute.

It's not fair to expect your dc to put on dirty clothes from two days earlier before coming back to yours. Especially not school uniform, on what is presumably Sunday afternoon or evening?! Just let them come home in whatever clothes they want. Whether you choose to wash them or not is up to you, but do this for your dc, not for your xh. He does sound an arse but it's one of those times when you need to be the better person.

KataraJean · 14/12/2018 22:39

Can you look at it as the children’s clothes?

I totally understand how hard it is to go through court and still be controlled through DC. But you need to find a way to maintain your emotional equilibrium and disregard his control over you - and I am not sure getting resentful about clothes is doing this. You are not washing the clothes for him, you are doing it for DC. It is his choice not to parent his DC in all its aspects, but he is a knob and you know that.

I would probably just ditch the idea of ‘his clothes’ for the weekend full stop and don’t wash them for him when they next come back.

DC are six and four, so getting old enough to have their own little cases and decide what goes in them. Buy some practical clothes from somewhere not too expensive for dad weekends and let DC pack their own cases with that stuff. Don’t send over anything you are fussed about getting back although it should come back as it is DC stuff not his. If he questions this, say that you do not wish to launder clothes for him and if he wants DC to wear ‘his’ clothes, he needs to make sure they are clean. Otherwise DC will bring their own clothes.

Honestly, I have been in this situation with a controlling ex for a number of years and my experience is that DC prefer to be able to take their own things back and forward, whereas ex does not let them do this. Focus on DC needs not your exes control. Give your DC things to take which make them feel comfortable. Get rid of the bag by the door which will just remind them they need to go again in two weeks. You do not need to store his clothes more than one more time, because next time you are sending back dirty clothes and sending DC with their own clothes because his are dirty. Then you are going to spend your emotional energy on something else.

Original poster
Ifeelreallylow · 15/12/2018 07:47

DC didn't go this weekend, they go next weekend. I haven't washed the clothes and don't intend to.

Would you really send DC to school every other Friday with a suitcase?

The court order we have states that we are to provide everything the DC need when they are in our care. So as to specifically avoid the idea of them bring 'suitcase children' and having to take bags/cases to school. Also, he is the type to then send me an email 'I am taking them to this, they need X' and I'll be providing loads of stuff.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 15/12/2018 08:03

It seems like there isn't a problem with him returning their school uniform which they were wearing when he collected them from school? Just asking as this is an issue lots of people have.
But said uniform is returned unwashed.

They are then coming back in non-school clothes, but the principal is no different.
So put them aside when they take them off and return them the following week.
Presumably you return the clothes when collecting them from the agreed pick up point to come home, so they haven't had them for that weekend, he then has 2 weeks to wash them. You have overnight to turn round the uniform?

On the above basis any one set of clothes is only available for them to wear at his house for 1 weekend a month?

Personally my kids just have clothes, they travel between houses in them and the clothes stay and are worn wherever they end up. When they used to go from school ex would return the uniform and I'd swap over clean non-uniform clothes, but that was just to avoid the wrong clothes in the wrong place. It didn't matter who'd brought the specific clothes in the first place.
But your situation isn't comparable, because my ex isn't an arse - the uniform was returned washed (with apologies if he hadn't managed to dry it in time).

mummmy2017 · 15/12/2018 08:05

Fight the bid issues not two bags of clothing...
Sometimes we need to see that too have your children not in the middle of a war zone is better all round... Just hand the bag to him when he returns the children.

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