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Original poster

Washing 'his clothes' EOW

56 replies

Ifeelreallylow · 10/12/2018 09:19

I can imagine that this seems like a really petty post.

ExH was extremely abusive, to me and our DD. Went to court, he lied through his teeth, judge believed every word he said and disregarded all proof I gave and he got EOW access.
Judge did order that he provide everything they need when at his. He was furious as he wanted me to send them with weekend bags.

Now, we're into the rhythm of EOW but of course he refuses to change them back into the clothes/uniform they have gone to him wearing. They come home wearing the clothes he has bought. I then store these in a bag by the front door (I'm too paranoid to have them anywhere else in case I forget to send them back) which is really annoying as I don't like clutter. But also, I've washed them up til now as I don't know how many changes he has for them.
But I can see a pattern forming.
I'm now washing and drying and storing the clothes. Which then have to be returned. So he has me/them packing weekend bags anyway!

I want to send them back dirty and reiterate that he change the kids back into 'my' clothes before returning them as I don't want this pile of clothes hanging around for 2 weeks.

I feel if I don't take a stand in this I'll be doing it for the next decade!!
I'm so scared of him and paranoid about every little thing, which is all used to show what a crazy bitch I am... should I just suck it up and carry on? Or make my stand?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ifeelreallylow · 15/12/2018 08:25

We do hand overs in public places because of how aggressive and abusive he is.
If at all possible we do have verbal contact and I try to stay at least 10 ft away.

Handover is now at school collection time on Friday EOW.
Dd goes to his wearing her uniform, which does get returned.
Then on the Sunday they are returned wearing his clothes.
I put these clothes in their bags on the next Friday he is collecting them.

If I don't put the clothes in then I am accused of stealing the clothes, they are his, I have no right to keep them. Now he can't clothe the children etc etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ifeelreallylow · 15/12/2018 08:26

We do NOT. Meant to write we do NOT have verbal contact.

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 15/12/2018 08:32

Ah, so you are taking the 4yo to school for collection? And the clothes get returned then? At least they have more opportunity for wear then.

He's a dick, you already know this.

It's a petty thing, but it is affecting you and you can deal with it by just putting "his" clothes in a bag when the kids take them off (don't make them get changed as soon as they get home, just at the end of the day as normal) and putting that bag aside until you return it to him.
You would then be doing exactly the same as he does, no more and no less.

It doesn't make it an issue for anyone, unless he choses to make it into one.
If he did my response would be along the lines of "oh, I thought you'd prefer it, it's how you return their clothes to me".

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Relationship problems

Joinourclub · 15/12/2018 08:44

I think the most reasonable solution here would be for you both to wash each other’s clothes. I don’t think it’s fair on the children to expect them to change back into their uniform on Sunday evening.

Original poster

Ifeelreallylow · 15/12/2018 08:47

I suggested the changing back into uniform because after speaking to a few parents who also do the EOW thing that seemed to be the norm.

I'm just going to return the clothes unwashed.

OP posts:

WhatsUpHun · 15/12/2018 08:50

Yes, that would be fair and grown up, but exh is not doing it, that's the issue

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 15/12/2018 08:50

I think this is a common problem. I have two dads for my children so two bags of dad clothes and my stepdaughters mummy’s clothes too so 3 bags x 😂 I used to wash them but now I dont. No one has ever complained or cared and I don’t care of the clothes come home washed or unwashed from the other parents so it shouldn’t be an issue for him x

dippledorus · 15/12/2018 08:54

I remember clothes not being returned almost breaking me when my kids were younger. I never got them back if I did they were dirty or had been kept so long they didn’t fit.

And he never meant it it was all because I was so up tight and he was more chilled than me I needed to unclench and the clothes could (and I will never forget this wanky shite) flow between the two houses. Except if he bought it it had to stay at his.

I feel your pain. I have no solutions. Sorry.

I wouldn’t wash the clothes. And I’d send them back dirty.

BillywilliamV · 15/12/2018 09:04

Just wash the clothes, yes its annoying and he's a twat, but by the sound of it, this is what will make life easiest for your children.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/12/2018 09:30

No point in stooping to his horrible low level.
He will be just delighted if you send him dirty clothes as it will give him an opportunity for a fight which will be right up his alley as he will love the drama.
Just wash them and see it as doing it for your dc. They won't be 4 and 6 forever and he will have less say as they grow as they can decide themselves.
At least you will know your dc have clean clothes to wear when they get to his and thats important.
These guys love a battle. Don't engage in one. Do the decent thing which reflects who you are.

GimmeBread · 15/12/2018 09:39

I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding this but if you don't wash the clothes does this not mean they won't have any clean clothes to wear at his? He gets a bag of dirty clothes on Friday pickup, he then has to wash and dry them so the kids have clean clothes to wear while at his?

Or am I missing something? Do they have extra sets of clothes at dads?

thedevilinablackdress · 15/12/2018 09:50

I understand how annoying and frustrating this is, however could you possibly be the bigger person in this situation for your DC? They will pick up on this, speaking from experience as a child of parents who couldn't be in any sort of range of each other for handover.

KataraJean · 15/12/2018 09:52

Okay having read your update, I would just wash the clothes, it is for DC not him. junebirthdaygirl is right, you need to disengage as much as possible. It is not normal to change into school uniform on a Sunday.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2018 10:02

I wouldn’t wash the clothes either. He would have other clothes for them or he has to get some. I don’t think this would affect the children, they probably don’t notice if it’s a bag of washed clothes or not! And they wouldn’t think twice about it, that’s what they bring back from their dads. Well done getting to this point op.

Belindabauer · 15/12/2018 10:09

Don't wash the clothes.
When the dc are older they will decide for themselves if they still want to see their horrible father.

SummerStrong · 15/12/2018 10:09

If the school uniform is returned unwashed then you should return his clothes for them unwashed too.

Try not let this get to you so much, it's allowing him to still have control over you.

KataraJean · 15/12/2018 10:17

The other consideration is that a weekend is Friday after school to Monday drop off at school, then the problem is solved as they go to school in their uniform.
Really think about how much you want to make this your fight because if it is more important to have DC home on Sunday, just see the clothes as a means to that end.

shallichangemyname · 15/12/2018 10:18

June is spot on

KeysHairbandNotepad · 15/12/2018 10:28

I was in this situation with my two and my exh years ago. One child is now 19 and the other an early teen also but I remember this well.

My advice is to ignore your ex and do whatever works for your kids and yourself. I didn't wash the clothes ,I just told the kids to stuff it in a backpack for when their dad picks them up. I'd also have a few cheap sets of clothing to put them in when they travel over to him. I'd just buy socks and underwear in bulk as they simply disappear, apparently.

My early teen is now so focused on her favourite clothing that she hates anything her dad buys for her (she's still his little pink princess) and takes great responsibility of looking after her best stuff and ferrying it around.

Hang on in there as it does pass. Bloody annoying though.

dippledorus · 15/12/2018 10:32

I swear I remember crying so many days because no socks for school or no pants. Or no coats. And ex never knew what happened to them. They just disappeared here too. It almost broke me.

trulybadlydeeply · 15/12/2018 10:42

I have a similar situation, had a bag of stinky, muddy sports kit returned to me by my ex.

However I have had to decide if I love my children more than I hate my ex. Which of course, I do. I try and rise above all the shit he gives me, and let it wash over me.

We separated for many reasons, but one of them was to provide a calm, safe home for my DC. If I have to do a few extra loads of washing then so be it. I've found that in order to manage the contact with my ex I've had to really alter my mindset because otherwise I was going to make myself ill. Ultimately I do focus on the fact that I love them more than I hate him, and it helps.

Chosenbyyou · 15/12/2018 10:50

Hi,

I have never been in an abusive relationship so I am sorry if I am taking out of tern.

I personally think that by worrying about things like this then you are giving him more head space than he deserves.

I personally would wash the clothes - I wouldn’t be doing it for him I would be doing it cuz it was easier than caring about it.

It is surely only controlling if you view it that way. I personally don’t.

Much credit to you for escaping an abusive relationship.

mumof06darlings · 15/12/2018 10:58

On the Friday could you slip a pants and jumper into their school bags and tell the kids when they are comming home, to change into that.

OneStepMoreFun · 15/12/2018 11:18

A basic parental role at the weekend is to wash uniform for Monday. Whoever has the children that weekend does that fundamental job. What a pathetic man he must be.

PurpleCrowbar · 15/12/2018 11:22

My solution is this:

I handover kids with a bag containing clothes they & I aren't fussed about (if they aren't in uniform for handover, they wear the clothes that would be in the bag).

The bag contains a change of underwear/tshirt/tracksuit bottoms, all cheap, nearly outgrown stuff.

If their father wants to moan about how I buy them crap clothes (& he does! ) then he can make a hooha about changing them into whatever he's got that is more to his liking for the duration. Actually, he needs to provide clothes anyway as I'm just sending one change...

At the end of the visit it's totally up to him.

He can get the kids to wear the outfit I've sent, in which case he retains whatever he has provided for them - & he can worry about the washing - if he prefers to send them back to me in clothes he's bought, then I park them, unwashed, in a bag in a cupboard near the door. Up to him to remind the kids to bring them next handover. Not my problem.

Ultimately, honestly, it resolves itself. Kids become teenagers - mine are now early teens - & worry about their own stuff!

Unless you are daft enough to keep replacing their good gear when they leave it at their dad's, they rapidly work out that it's up to them to pack anything they don't want to be without, from whichever end of the handover.

& at this point the chickens come home to roost for your twatty ex. He will try to insist that they leave anything he buys them at his place, because he won't want to make your life easier...& kids will say 'don't be daft, dad. Thank you for the jeans, but are you seriously saying I can only wear them EOW?!'

He'll then huff a bit & STFU...

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