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Original poster

I think I resent DH a bit but maybe am being unfair?

57 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/12/2018 13:44

Our relationship is a bit meh at the moment and I think a lot of it is that I feel I do so much more and am beginning to resent him a bit. Added to that He is going away with work tomorrow for 4 days and has in no way acknowledged hoe hard it is going to be for me (kids go to different schools/nursery etc) whilst whining that he doesn't really want to go. This morning we needed to be out by 9.30. I got myself and 2 DCs 6&3 ready, put the washing on and cooked us both breakfast. He sorted him self out.
We got home at 12.30 and he has sat at his computer whilst I made lunch for everyone. This is pretty standard.

He then asked DD who she wanted to take her to bed. IMO he should have just done it as I had done everything else all bloody day but he has gone and put her to bed as she asked him too.

Other things he does -He sorts out all the finances which is a big job (insurance, childcare bills etc) and does the bins. Does the dishwasher 50% of the time and washing a couple of time s a week. Also alternates doing bedtimes. and he does maybe 2 school drop off and 1/2 pick ups a week. He works 5 days me 4.

All the rest of the cleaning is up to me. I do homework and reading with DS, all admin for school. I do shopping and cooking (I make at least 2of 3 of his meals every day) and general cleaning and tidying and most of the washing - including putting away which I can honestly say he has never done and wouldn't know where to put things now! Minimum of 3 drop offs and pick up every week and all the remembering to pack XYZ, make extra food, buy presents for parties and xmas etc.

The thing is he is also working on a business plan but seems as he spends 90% of his time as his computer anyway, I don't know how much of his time is spent on this (which is for the good of us all) or just him taking the piss whilst I run around.
There has been no intimacy of any sort this week - barely a kiss and I know he is going to try it on tonight but I feel too empty towards him at the moment. Am I being unjust? Is he doing his part or is he being lazy?

OP posts:
DangerMouse17 · 09/12/2018 13:53

Maybe it's just me, but he doesn't sound lazy at all Confused

He does quite a good "share" of the work and yes he's at his computer a lot but sounds like this is for a particular business opportunity.

I think you may just be more sensitive given you have a few days ahead of you without him, but it is just a few days of being a bit more tough...i don't see the prob. Unless I'm missing something?!

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 09/12/2018 13:59

Regards to house work I'd say he does about 30. Mental load is mostly mine but he carries the financial side so maybe that evens it out?
The problem is I always seem to be running around whilst he is sat at his computer. I can't tell how much of this is business and how much leisure though. And it isn't like I don't get time in the evenings so sit around.
Either way I wouldn't mind so much but he has barely spoken to me this week and when I mentioned it just said he was tired. It has frustrated me as he then tried it on the other night and I said no as we had barely had a conversation all week and it felt cheap. I think this may be clouding my thoughts in general. I feel pretty insignificant to him this week.

OP posts:
catmon · 09/12/2018 14:01

U sound lazy

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Relationship problems
Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 09/12/2018 14:04

How do I sound lazy Catmon?
I make his lunch and dinner everyday and get 2 kids ready for school. I pack all the bags and do all the homework. I do most of the housework and the rest is pretty much 50/50 split.

OP posts:
H1dingInSight · 09/12/2018 14:04

Sounds about fair, TBH

Mixedupmummy · 09/12/2018 14:05

yanbu imo. the mental load is exhausting and why should you do all the cooking and tidying. we have a general understanding that we both do whatever needs done and neither of us sits down till all the jobs are done. sounds like you need a break. can you organise a day out or night away with friend or family?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/12/2018 14:07

I don’t think it sounds that uneven tbh. You only work 4 days to his 5.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 09/12/2018 14:07

I had a night out recently. Financially we can't afford it too often either.
I do have the mental load but he has the financial side of that so that is more even.

OP posts:
Lost5stone · 09/12/2018 14:09

I'd say it sounds pretty fair too. I think your issue is more due to lack of communication and affection so talk to him about it

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 14:09

It doesn't sound too uneven really, although perhaps he might be able to put in a little bit more housework when he's not working from home.

Halloweenallyearround · 09/12/2018 14:12

Financial side comes with mental exhaustion too.

FreakForHummous · 09/12/2018 14:22

Washing, cleaning and cooking can feel utterly relentless with young children so it's understandable why you feel fed up.

That said, your DH also has a lot on his plate!

It sounds like you need to have a conversation with him about how you are feeling and then looking at any ways of making things simpler, even if that means lowering standards slightly for now.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 09/12/2018 14:26

Freak our standards are already pretty Low! I can't get the house to a decent state and no one else cares so as long as it isn't too awful I just keep on top of the worst.

OP posts:
WhyAmISoCold · 09/12/2018 14:30

"U sound lazy"

Oh ffs. Ignore this OP. It's clearly someone illiterate being a twat.

I think this is more about you doing more of the mental load and running around. He only works 1 more day than you, it's not exactly a lot more. Saying that I do nearly all household admin. DH pays the main bills but I came up with the spreadsheet of what money goes where, what gets paid out etc, all insurances etc are down to me. Mortgage and house sale and purchase was solely down to me. Moving companies at end of fixed terms etc, down to me.

I'd say your DH does do a fair bit but given he only works 1 dat more then the split should be more even.

catmon · 09/12/2018 14:37

Big apologies ... I misread post , I thought u were a SAHM . Sorry again

Youmadorwhat · 09/12/2018 14:54

I don’t think you have any more to do than anyone else tbh. My hubby works away for three weeks at a time and I’m that time I do literally everything. Kids, school runs, part time job, laundry washing, drying, ironing. cleaning the house,car services, bins, shopping, fixing things that go wrong, breakfasts, lunches, dinner. Pay bills, set appointments etc etc

When he comes home (for 3weeks)he does the cooking and the odd Hoover of the house, most of the school runs as I also work school hours so less Afterschool to pay for when he is home and I can get to work a bit earlier.

formerbabe · 09/12/2018 15:01

I'm a bit confused.

Do you work op?

If you do then yanbu.

If you're a sahm, yabu.

formerbabe · 09/12/2018 15:02

Sorry! Just read the full thread!

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 15:04

I think there are two things here.

  1. his time on the computer. It’s unclear how much of that is him working / doing financial chores and how much is leisure time. So when you’re running round getting other jobs done you see him sitting on the computer and it feels unfair. I think you need to ask him about this so that tou have a better idea of whether it is actually unfair or not.

  2. sex. Clearly you’re rejecting him because you feel alienated from him at the moment. I think you need to talk to him honestly about this so that he understands that you are feeling swamped and run down and generally demoralised and that it doesn’t feel like you two are working as a team at the moment, and this has an impact on your sex life.

In short - talk to him.

sunshineandthunder · 09/12/2018 15:06

Agree with youmad. I honestly don't think you do much more/less than other working parents with young kids. It's not as if your DH does nothing - I honestly think you need to speak with him about changing the distribution of jobs so that you each get a fairer share of the less desirable ones.

My DH also works away around 12-15 days a month, that's just life. It can be relentless and a thankless task keeping everything afloat at times.

Communication and compromise are your friends.

Unicornandbows · 09/12/2018 15:08

Think it's pretty fair

TooTrueToBeGood · 09/12/2018 15:09

I must be reading a different OP to some of you. It doesn't read to me like he's doing anything close to his fair share. On a side note, I manage all the financial admin for our household and I doubt it takes me 10 minutes a month on average. He's either doing it wrong or bullshitting you if he makes out it's a lot of work.

Vitalogy · 09/12/2018 15:11

How about changing roles for a couple of weeks.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 09/12/2018 15:21

Vitalogy - that would end in divorce.

Jenny- that pretty much sums it up. I think we need to speak tonight but he never discusses it with me. Just sits there and "listens". And then he will go away thinking I don't want to be with him!

OP posts:
Sethis · 09/12/2018 15:23

Holy shit just have a conversation about it.

If you have a specific job you want him to do, ask him to do it.

If you want him to change his attitude because it's not good enough for you, then talk to him about it.

If you have a problem with how work is divided in the day to day, then spit it out.

Nothing pisses me off more than partners who think that their OH should be psychic and somehow magically know that something is bugging them, especially something that has been the status quo for a long time but you've only just started feeling shit about. If you've been fine with the current division of labour since the start of the relationship, how is he supposed to know that you suddenly have a problem with it? Read your mind? Interpret a sulk? Pinpoint with precision what's hacking you off when he asks what's wrong and you say "Nothing"?

Talk to him. Compromise. Find a way to function that keeps you both happy. But don't be secretly pissed off about your day to day life and then get angry when he tries to have sex with you when you're not in the mood because you've spent all day hiding how you feel.