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Original poster

I think I resent DH a bit but maybe am being unfair?

57 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/12/2018 13:44

Our relationship is a bit meh at the moment and I think a lot of it is that I feel I do so much more and am beginning to resent him a bit. Added to that He is going away with work tomorrow for 4 days and has in no way acknowledged hoe hard it is going to be for me (kids go to different schools/nursery etc) whilst whining that he doesn't really want to go. This morning we needed to be out by 9.30. I got myself and 2 DCs 6&3 ready, put the washing on and cooked us both breakfast. He sorted him self out.
We got home at 12.30 and he has sat at his computer whilst I made lunch for everyone. This is pretty standard.

He then asked DD who she wanted to take her to bed. IMO he should have just done it as I had done everything else all bloody day but he has gone and put her to bed as she asked him too.

Other things he does -He sorts out all the finances which is a big job (insurance, childcare bills etc) and does the bins. Does the dishwasher 50% of the time and washing a couple of time s a week. Also alternates doing bedtimes. and he does maybe 2 school drop off and 1/2 pick ups a week. He works 5 days me 4.

All the rest of the cleaning is up to me. I do homework and reading with DS, all admin for school. I do shopping and cooking (I make at least 2of 3 of his meals every day) and general cleaning and tidying and most of the washing - including putting away which I can honestly say he has never done and wouldn't know where to put things now! Minimum of 3 drop offs and pick up every week and all the remembering to pack XYZ, make extra food, buy presents for parties and xmas etc.

The thing is he is also working on a business plan but seems as he spends 90% of his time as his computer anyway, I don't know how much of his time is spent on this (which is for the good of us all) or just him taking the piss whilst I run around.
There has been no intimacy of any sort this week - barely a kiss and I know he is going to try it on tonight but I feel too empty towards him at the moment. Am I being unjust? Is he doing his part or is he being lazy?

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/12/2018 15:48

Sounds a bit like our split here except we share homework duties and I’m the one in your husbands shoes.

I had words about three months ago though because the mental load was falling purely to me. I was getting calls while at work to ask if XXX was ‘ok for tea’ fgs.

He’s much better now, and although I’d prefer the house tidier and cleaner I’m also not doing it so I’ll live with it.

Alwaysdrama · 09/12/2018 15:52

It sounds reasonably evenly split but who knows- only you know how it makes you feel and if that is reasonable of you

Talk to him not Mumsnet

Have you asked him why he isn’t doing more housework?
What else are you expected to do on the one day you don’t work when he does? Do you have your youngest with you that day? If they are at nursery that it seems possible you do the cleaning and a weekly shop on that day?

The financial side is very time consuming but maybe you would rather take some of that on and him do equal cooking? Is he actually bothered about cooked meals every meal or would he happily have beans of toast if you don’t cook.

Don’t let resentment bubble. Talk to him.

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 16:15

Ok so after unloading about your feelings, ask him a question that he can’t dodge. ‘What do you propose that we do to resolve this?’ - something like that. He’ll be forced to either defend the status quo or make suggestions. If your relationship is going to be sustainable then it should get you into a slightly more constructive dialogue.

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Relationship problems
Smiler88 · 09/12/2018 21:47

Could you get a cleaner to lighten the load on you both?

HeathRobinson · 09/12/2018 21:51

Who says the financial stuff is a big job, him? Pfft!

SantaClauseMightWork · 09/12/2018 22:00

Financial stuff can be set up using a couple of apps+Excel sheets and you are done. Like others have said, I don’t think it takes massive amount of time unless he is particularly thick.
I would look at the number of yours you and him spend on housework sndon work for children (homework, reading) and take it from there. I also strongly recommend doing a rota where you switch jobs. If it results on divorce, like you have said before, he is being a lazy arse.

shiningstar2 · 09/12/2018 22:09

Running around after kids while you do housework is the type of endless repetitive work which is very tiring.

I don't think a household's financial stuff is particularly time consuming. Monthly bills on direct debits. Insurances gas/electricity/financial/savings ext moved annually at most?

If it was me I wouldn't be able to help myself from quietly peering over his shoulder when he's on the computer to see what he's doing. I don't think that type of work is anywhere near as time consuming as housework/shopping/kids baths/story/bed ext.

I don't think you are lazy op.

HellenaHandbasket · 09/12/2018 22:16

I don't think you're lazy, but equally it doesn't sound like he is either tbh.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/12/2018 22:32

Mortgage
Car insurance
House insurance
Boiler insurance
Moving debts around to keep the best rates
Making sure the insurance will cover you
Thinking ahead to birthdays and Christmas to ensure there’s enough money to go around, which might mean cutting back elsewhere
MOT
Car stuff that might need extra budget

Yes money management takes care of itself if you don’t have any debts or any real need to budget. Otherwise, it can be a real arseache. And all three of my insurances need renewing at different times.

Yeah, so that’s pissed me off that someone has commented that setting up a spreadsheet and everything on direct debit will manage itself ‘unless he’s particularly thick’ Hmm

Money management for me means doing all the budgeting and keeping all the financial worries to myself. Which is stressful.

SantaClauseMightWork · 09/12/2018 22:41

Diana
If there is the element of debt management in there, I will say yes it is difficult than setting up things that I mentioned.
If there is debt, I think that can create resentment in itself plus if the management of that debt is time consuming as you have summed up.

However, I still believe that exchanging duties is a very valid option here. Even more so as raising children is not comparable to managing debt. It drains you as their needs evolve. It takes too much space in your brain and needs crazy amounts of multi tasking. That is why I said look at the hours at least.
I

Aaaahfuck · 09/12/2018 23:14

It doesn't sound like you have an equal amount of down time which I think is what you should be aiming for. So I don't think it sounds fair.

FangTasticFeast · 09/12/2018 23:20

What’s the big deal with financial stuff? Unless people are running their own business and so on the financial side of running a typical household is not hard. DD and shopping ffs

Whats he doing on the computer when you are sorting out the dc and meals and why can’t he help get the dc ready and make breakfast in the morning if he isn’t at work?

kathyjean · 09/12/2018 23:31

This reply has been deleted

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Xmasbaby11 · 09/12/2018 23:44

Women's jobs? That really isn't funny.

AutumnCrow · 09/12/2018 23:51

kathyjean have you been approached as the new White House chief of staff yet? You'd be just ossum.

HollowTalk · 09/12/2018 23:59

You know something, whenever there's a lazy arse on here (ie him) then 90% of the time they're self employed. It's pretty easy to see why, as it's a good way of doing fuck all.

I'm so glad his question of your daughter backfired on him Grin

Flower777 · 10/12/2018 03:48

Why do you make his lunch? Stop!

EnidButton · 10/12/2018 04:25

good primal bone sorts us right out! Ship the kids off to grandma for the weekend and get the toys out!

Sweet Jesus.

EnidButton · 10/12/2018 04:32

OP He's not doing his fair share considering he only works (out of the home) one more day a week than you. It should be more like 60/40 split on everything, including childcare and by your description it's way off that. Even factoring in the finances. Decide what would make thing fairer and enable you to have the same time to yourself, then sit down and discuss it calmly and properly. I wouldn't bring up the intimacy issues at the same time as this as I think it'd cloud the situation. Deal with one thing at a time. You may find that side improves once you're not doing everything and feel less taken for granted. Acknowledging the things he does do is great but it does need to be more equally split. You will always do more due the extra day away from work and him doing all financial stuff but not by much. The biggest area he should step up in is looking after the dc.

I'm sure the first few poster must've misread your post or missed that you work. not even going to try to decipher Kathy's worldview there

Kiwiinkits · 10/12/2018 04:45

Just find a way to outsource some or all of the drudge work. No more arguments, ever. I always say to my husband, buying these people in is an investment in saving our marriage and our sanity.
OP I use a student for 3 hours a week who helps us with all our random wifework at home including laundry and ironing and cleaning. It costs me next to nothing to hire her help. But it has gained me freedom from resentment, and to me that is PRICELESS.

Alfie190 · 10/12/2018 05:38

I think he does a fair share, YABU.

Madeline88 · 10/12/2018 05:46

I know it probably doesn’t help to hear this but I would love love love if my DP took the financial side of things off me. It is a huge part of the mental load that I struggle with and I wish I could just be told this is how much we have to sprend this month like he is.

hamzilla · 10/12/2018 06:08

It doesn't sound like you have an equal amount of down time which I think is what you should be aiming for. So I don't think it sounds fair.

This. It's not about how much each of you do. It's about how much time doing nothing you each spend. If you're relaxing the same amount - it's fair.

hamzilla · 10/12/2018 06:11

Kiwiinkits if it costs 'next to nothing' then you aren't paying them fairly. If you are paying them a decent, fair wage then you're speaking from a point of privilege as your 'next to nothing' could actually be a lot for some people.

Workreturner · 10/12/2018 06:19

No one in this relationship sounds lazy to me at all!

You’re not happy though, so talk to him.

But I don’t think you have much grounds for arguing he’s lazy

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