Mums in professional services- how do you make it work?

[shatteredbyhavingitall]

I am a fee earner in a professional services firm and am struggling to make my role/ working pattern work so wondered if anyone had any tips on how to make it work in a client facing role?

At present I work 8.30-3 every day so drop kids at breakfast club, race to work, race back to school. After school is the usual dance classes, football, gymnastics etc plus playdates. Then cook dinner, do house admin and washing etc, get kids in bed and start work again at 7.30pm, feeling knackered and like the clients/ colleagues are disappointed as I've not been available since 3. Husband works away so can't help: I am solo parenting most of the time.

How do other professional services people make it work? I love my job but this is exhausting me! Any tips on how to make it sustainable would be very welcome!

Full time nanny until the youngest was 9 and outsourcing (cleaning, ironing and tutors).

I work in a niche consultancy in a senior role. Husband is a contractor with variable hours (works when he wants to).
When the kids were babies and pre-schoolers, I worked three full days a week (9-5pm) and we hired a nanny/housekeeper for those days. Part of her role was to make a family meal and keep on top of laundry.
Now the kids are bigger I still work those three days a week. We use a combination of afterschool care and 'fend for yourself' as childcare. I have a student who comes to help me for three hours a week doing a combination of laundry, ironing, bedmaking and cleaning.
We live close to my work (I take an e-bike and my commute is less than 20 minutes).
I often do catch up work on my days off and often pick up bits at the weekend, just to keep on top of work.

My suggestion is to NEVER WORK SCHOOL HOURS. Only do full days, up to four days a week. If you work school hours you are expected to keep up your full time role at work AND keep up the home-based labour too. No one sees you rushing. If you work full days then you are visibly there all day but people know you are 'not there on Tuesdays' so don't expect you to be available on Tuesdays. Also, get a nanny.

Following with interest. It’s tough isn’t it? Also how come it’s always the Dad working away?!

What kind of school requires hand made costumes and home made cakes!?!

Tell them to enter the 21st century!

Split admin into essential and desirable-

Washing, shopping and cooking are essential

Ironing and haircuts are desirable.

My dcs loves after school club, much more fun than being at home with a mum in the kitchen!

If you have a spare room an au pair might suit for petty cash/haircuts/ironing/online ordering/delivery stuff.

And up your cleaner’s hours.

You sound like you may burn out soon if you don’t get more help.

As others have suggested your dp can’t absolve himself of all responsibility just cos he works away.

Maybe we should all post our current life admin lists for the doubters.
Mine:
Book dentist (realistically not going to happen until after Christmas now, so it's just sitting there glaring at me)
Book haircut
Buy red tights for DS to wear in Nativity play (costume provided but kings wear red tights apparently)
Post DB's birthday present
Buy remaining Christmas presents
Email DH details of bike have picked for DS (we always run big expensive purchases past each other)
Measure DS to make sure bike is right size
Ring bike shop near in laws to reserve bike so we can pick it up when we get there (nothing kills the myth of Father Christmas like taking the bike he's giving you up north with you on the train)
Reply to Freecycle people enquiring about stuff I've posted on Freecycle
Book roofer
Warn NDNs that roofer will need access to their front garden
Chase up primary school about looking round
Re-set up direct debits that got cancelled when I lost my bank card
Cut spare key for cleaner

And optional but would be nice:
Write Christmas cards
Buy ingredients for Christmas baking
Bake biscuits with DS as his Christmas present to DGP

None of these take very long, but they sit in my head taking up mental energy until they're done. And yes, some could be delegated to DH, but he has his own list, which is just as long as mine.

If you can afford it, I'd outsource all housekeeping and cleaning duties of the house. Leaving your free time to focus on the children.

I have help most days in the home and it makes a huge difference to me. To come home, tired and frazzled, to a spotless home, laundry done and put away, dishwasher empty etc means I can focus on prepping dinner and the children.

Nothing is perfect though and I really don't think us women can have it all

Useful to read the advice about optimum part time hours. I still have a pre-schooler so at the moment full days works best, but I had been wondering about school hours work when the time comes. As in, keeping the long days and maybe adding a school hours session or two. Seems it doesn't work so well.

We had to make costumes for our kid at primary - if you bought an angel outfit in Asda it was sent home and the child was told that the costume wasn't right and they weren't allowed to wear it - 5 years are very compliant about these things - I did try to fight the insanity by confronting the teacher but all the other Mums standing around (and it was Mums) gave in - one even offered to make it on my behalf if my sewing skills were so poor! I hear that teacher still demands homemade costumes 10 years on - so it seems no one has found a way to get around it.

I agree about the school hours . I did it for years as a single parent with two kids, one with SN. Zero input from ex. couldn’t get appropriate out of school care for SN kid so I worked school hours term time only , which was 0. 67 WTE.

I got 2/3 of the salary, 100% of the workload and 0% of the respect and the promotion chances. I destroyed my career by working part time for so long.

I told myself I should be grateful because I still had a good wage and could afford a reasonable standard of living for me and my kids, when many single mums are benefit dependent or stuggling on NMW jobs.

But I still feel pretty resentful to have been forced onto the mummy track. Meanwhile ex is probably earning 10 times what I am and has so much choice and control over the work he does.

I also feel sad that I spend so much of my children’s lives just so completely exhausted I didnt enjoy the time I had with them, I was just so focussed on all the things I needed to get done each day. I couldn’t wait to get them into bed so I could get all the rest of my work done and collapse into mine.

Another thing to consider when weighing up 4 long days vs 5 short days is that you have one fewer commute, so that's a little bit of time saved there. Can be significant to the very time poor.

Schools appear to demand a ridiculous amount these days. I can't understand why parents stand for it, especially when they are paying as many of you must be from jobs like these. My mother worked full time from when I was a few months old. I have always been very proud of her for this. She employed full-time nannies, sometimes live-in if they did not live nearby anyway. Back then it was pretty much only the part time workers and housewives who attended any school functions during the day. It meant less pressure as a kid at events like sports day too - I felt more relaxed and more as if I was just doing things for myself. Parents who worked full time would only really go to parents evenings and the carol service.

The moves to culturally dignify and commodify housewife type tasks (Nigella baking, Kirsty's home made home and so on) have backfired on women working full time, as they are pushed into feeling they have to, or even being told they have to in some schools mentioned here, compete with home-made cakes and costumes, whereas in the 80s and 90s it was a badge of honour among women like my mum to say you had more important things to do.

Agree with others - cleaner more regularly & get a nanny or au pair (we have an au pair who does school drop offs & pick ups as well as cooking dinner & washing & ironing for the DCs. We also have cleaners).

I'm not making a costume for a school play. School demands are not mandatory. If you are not there at pick-up, you can avoid a lot of this pressure.

Maybe we should start a thread for those of us who do want to make director / partner, i look at the future and it’s such a slog.
Op, I would resent my husband so much it would end our marriage if he worked away and didn’t do all the life admin he possibly could and as much as he could when home, and appreciated the shit out of me, making sure I had at least one weekend away solo a year as a start. We only make it work because we share the load. I’m on mat leave at the moment but will be back into it next year.
Life admin list: Xmas present for nursery staff- important as they are amazing women who take such good care of my precious child. Xmas present for forest school staff. Xmas present for cleaner - planned. Whole list of thoughtful Christmas presents for family as well.
We need a will. Contemplating an international move next year so I’ve registered my dc into one childcare and need to find two more as back up to make sure there is a 2020 place for them if we move.
Booking dinner with neighbors.
Finding some help so I can get to a few appts - I contacted 3 nannies I know who couldn’t and ended up having a 4th recommended who could do it, making arrangements with her.
Small Xmas dinner Sunday with sister before we leave for trip home. Will M&S it even though I love cooking.
Booking a christening at church at home in oz.
Asking godparents , we chose them this week.
Planning lunch for 20 odd for said christening, decided t had to be just immediate family as I can’t handle a big do with friends as well.
Skyping family at home , grandparents really.
Home cooking for the baby who’s weaning.
Kids especially babies grow all the bloody time- sorting the 3-6 month clothes away , getting out the 6-12.
Cleaning a wardrobe we found some moths in, running all clothes in it either through freezer for 12 hours, hot wash or dry cleaners.
Mold scrubbing where a patch appears in our bathroom if we don’t vinegar it every few weeks (rental) . Cleaner doesn’t have enough hours for that kind of thing.
Party rsvps, presents, we still attend them too as our dc are young.
Reading baby sleep book cos I’m falling apart from sleep deprivation but too tired to read it
Etc etc
Holiday planning and prep is a huge one but I appreciate we bring that on ourselves. But 2.5 hours on the phone to Qantas in two separate calls to add the baby to the booking doesn’t come from nowhere, tweeting them to say how shit it is, sending them details so they can fix it via Twitter , but still need to call the other airline to make sure.