Mums in professional services- how do you make it work?

[shatteredbyhavingitall]

I am a fee earner in a professional services firm and am struggling to make my role/ working pattern work so wondered if anyone had any tips on how to make it work in a client facing role?

At present I work 8.30-3 every day so drop kids at breakfast club, race to work, race back to school. After school is the usual dance classes, football, gymnastics etc plus playdates. Then cook dinner, do house admin and washing etc, get kids in bed and start work again at 7.30pm, feeling knackered and like the clients/ colleagues are disappointed as I've not been available since 3. Husband works away so can't help: I am solo parenting most of the time.

How do other professional services people make it work? I love my job but this is exhausting me! Any tips on how to make it sustainable would be very welcome!

I do three 9-5 days and commute back and forth so see the kids morning and evening. Then work two 14 hours shifts where I am client focused & stay over at the office to get everything done, don’t see the kids for those two days obviously. Then I take my two days off, clean the house like mad and prepare for the next week.

In your situation I’d consider extra help. It’s extremely hard to find a balance and I think as a working parent we always feel under pressure to ensure we get everything right.

housewife
Why are you 'cleaning the house like mad'?
Surely it's a shared or outsourced task when you're both working full time?

Yep DH helps ... should have said we both clean like mad. Bearing in mind he is on his own with the kids for two days I really can’t complain at all.

I’m struggling too. Successful women around me accept that they don’t see their children every day. Quite a few do 4 long days, I do 5 days - 9.30 to 5 in the office, but I often do calls with Asia early morning, and then obv catch up in the evening. DC are 4 and 2 and I just can’t bear the thought of not seeing them every evening. But I can’t see how I can maintain that and still go for partner. I need to let something go and I really wish I didn’t have to make that decision. We are getting an after school nanny after Christmas to cover up till 7.30pm 3 days a week. Au pair is what we really need but we don’t have the space.

Currently reading brilliant book called mother of all jobs - highly recommend it.

www.bloomsbury.com/uk/the-mother-of-all-jobs-9781472956231/

Having been in a similar situation, it's really tough.

Firstly, I would add in 2-3 days of after-school club (if that is an option) & work 2-3 longer days. My kids love it - it's like a huge play date with all their friends & they get a hot meal.

Secondly, I'd cut the extra-curricular activities to 2-3 per child per week. Certainly not daily.

Thirdly, I'd allocate your DH some tasks he could do eg online shop, order HelloFresh, responsibility for household billls/banking/utilities etc.

I don't think it's sustainable in the long-term; it nearly ended me!

Can your DH change job? It sounds like you are overwhelmed because he's not contributing to the running of the home or family life - yet you're here asking for advice on how YOU can manage it. Are you happy to do this?

I work in a similar industry and a colleague once said that to make it work you need at least one of the following:
Husband with flexible job (or staying at home)
Parents able/willing to provide significant amounts of help
Nanny
(and preferably more than one of these)

I think the school years are much harder to juggle because unlike nursery they are not designed as childcare, and the expectations in terms of attending assemblies, sports days, parents evenings, supervising homework etc are much greater.

Personally, I took a very deliberate step back from the standard career path and work in a related role which provides me with flexibility and job satisfaction, a lot less stress but with little prospect of progression. Entirely my choice and the right decision for me.

Your husband needs to adjust his working hours in some way. Being away for most of the time so you can’t be involved in bringing up your own children isn’t really acceptable to most women.

And you need to buy in some help with either housework , childcare or both. Just getting the cleaner in twice a week won’t work. You need laundry done, beds changed, food shopping done, house tidied and meals cooked. Not just the kitten floor mopped twice.

You are correct that what you are doing is unsustainable. You will end up

1. Unhappy with your own performance and consequent lack of progression at work . While your husband’s career soars , facilitated by you.

1. Physically and mentally exhausted - you will pick up bugs easily and not be able to throw them off. You may develop anxiety or depression.

1. Guilty about the amount and quality of time you spend with your children

1. Very angry and resentful with your husband , who seems to have opted out of family life . Especially if he comes home and acts Disney Dad with your children then sulks because you don’t fawn all over him.

Following for tips as I'm in a similar situation. I'm a single parent and work 9.00 - 15.00 Mon to Fri, I do all the school runs and can't afford childcare. Plus ds is being assessed for SEN so extra time away from home wouldn't be great for him at the moment. I'm so bloody tired!

Pay someone to do school pick up

You can’t. I work school hours and I am not ‘billable’ to clients but have a job where people expect me to be available. No matter how many times you explain your hours, they won’t remember. They’ll have an urgent issue at 3.05 and expect you to be available. Whereas “I don’t work Fridays” is unambiguous and people respect it.

So, your choices are:

1. Childcare that can take the DC to activities after school (au pair, nanny etc)

2. Childcare that means the DC drop activities (after school club, childminder)

3. Looking at the family balance and what your DH can do to facilitate family responsibilities.

I'm in Consulting in a big 4 and admittedly my DS is 2, so not quite there yet.

What works for us is:

• dh pulls his weight - he does all the cleaning & laundry (I cook & do most of the childcare). He does drop offs I do pick ups
• I work 4 days a week and off on Fridays (which is usually quiet anyway)

Agree with pp that it's unambiguous that you don't work on Fridays rather than a I'm leaving at 3pm type scenario because you still have to put hours in at night. So you get paid less for same amount of work

Having said all that, I still feel quite resentful that dh career is soaring whereas I can see my career stagnating. But who knows , there's a lot of talk about promoting women into leadership so maybe I will get lucky.

I work three days a week, have a nanny for those three days and have no desire to make partner. Longer term I plan to do some freelancing in a related area on the other two days once the kids are older - basically, I’d like to expand my career sideways rather than upwards, if that makes sense!

For instance. Unusually for us, my DH is working away at the moment.

So today I have worked 9-3 (a d used an after school club extra hour to walk the dog), including anxiously trying to schedule an important call that falls outside those hours and a late-running project that needed to go by end of day); been supermarket shopping (urgent toilet roll & dishwasher tablets & raffle prizes for tomorrow’s non-uniform day); taken DC to swimming PLUS extra exam-prep class for 1 DC (and supervised others homework); fed everyone, bins out, nit-combed x 3 (bloody nits!); walked dog round block; sorted washing & washing-up & etc; sent & answered some (Bloody) PTFA emails and now I STILL have Work Shit To Do before 10am tomorrow...

And I couldn’t do it as a lone parent full time.

So please sort the childcare & responsibility split, OP. Your current set-up is good for everyone EXCEPT YOU.

think I am trying to have the best of both worlds by keeping a senior level job and seeing the kids every day after school

Why is that the best? Senior level jobs are stressful and you’ll be rushing your kids to bed no doubt.

Just get some childcare - even 90 mins would make a difference.

I've got a job interview coming up - hours'd be 9-5.30 monday to friday. It feels like too much but it's only for 6m and we need the money.

How we'd cope with it is by DH switching from 9-4.30 to 8-3.30, then he could pick up DS from nursery at 4.30-5.
Also we'd def get a cleaner, and DH has promised to take DS out for a few hours each w/e so I can study.

Two issues here: your H works away; and you are not using after school care. Basically doing it all, all the time.

I don't think you have a problem, cut down on all the after school stuff, kids don't need every second of their time accounted for with activities, may be they'd quite like to go home and chill
I've never understood the household admin thing, I'm not being nippy honestly, what exactly is there to do? I have a house, job and six kids and there is barely any on a day to day basis, throwing a load of washing in takes less than 5 minutes
Chill out and lower your standards, I mean this kindly

I did this for 20 years. My youngest now 14 so still chauffeuring.
I've hit 50 and a brick wall.
Don't be me.

Get a cleaner. Get some help. Do not let your DC get into a round of too many activities. One sport they love, one instrument they love, one social activity (Guides or whatever). get to know other parents and arrange lift shares.

Consider moving to a role where you don't need to be in the office to be effective.

A nanny/housekeeper willing to ferry kids around and do a bit of housework/prepare the evening meal. I had a lovely lady 3 days a week from 2-6 when DD's were young and I worked full time (older lady semi retired). Not easy to find the right person but they are worth their weight in gold!

I work condensed hours - five days into four. DH has a longer commute than I do so most of the school runs fall to me.

Mon-Thursday I drop off at 7.45 breakfast club in office by 8am.
Mon-Wednesday after school club -leave office at 5.30/collect 5.45ish. Thursday friend takes DD to ballet lessons and I collect her and friend at 5pm.

Cleaner for 2hrs a week.

Fridays are for life admin!

I do two long days using full wrap around and then two shorter days using only the breakfast club. So I still see them 3 days a week after school. Also cleaner twice a week. My DH is around but self employed and erratic so I generally need to pick up the majority of the childcare.

I don't think what you are doing is sustainable.

I previously worked for a large international law firm. I'd been there a long time and built up trust and so I was able to work 7.30 - 3.30. That enabled me to collect the DC when they were very little but I did what you do and worked in the evenings even though I wasn't doing compressed days.

You need a cleaner, you need some free evenings and playdates after school are just bonkers.

We found that it got more difficult as the DC got older not easier.

I now work from home (for myself) and even now its a constant juggling act.

Thanks all. I have emailed the after school club to check availability and will book a couple of days.

@tccat it’s funny you say that as I can never understand how people don’t ‘get’ life admin! Making nativity costume (not allowed to buy), making cakes for school sale (ditto), ordering cat’s medication, booking appointment with teacher re problem with DC, attending said appointment after school, booking hair cuts, doing online food shop, paying brownie subs, buying kids birthday presents, cards etc for parties. Not to mention Christmas! That doesn’t include the usual washing (which I agree only takes 5mins), ironing, putting clothes away etc. Lots of those jobs only take minutes to do, but it’s the constant stream of low level admin that I hate. It’s not difficult, just tedious!

I get what your saying, but surely these things are not even monthly occurrences?
Washing was the absolute bane of my life with six kids, I didn't iron unless it was a shirt etc that needed it, I had an iron setting on tumble dryer, just brilliant, 5 mins and clothes for the day were crease free, otherwise just folded and put away, the slightly higher electric was worth it

Making nativity costume (not allowed to buy), WTF not? Have words with school when presented with this instruction.

making cakes for school sale (ditto) just don't send any in and make a donation Much as I love home baking, the economics of bake sales rarely stack up.

ordering cat’s medication, DH can do this
booking appointment with teacher re problem with DC, you're probably stuck with this one
attending said appointment after school, and this one

booking hair cuts, can DH do this - take the DCs on a Saturday morning some of the time

doing online food shop *DH can do this or maybe automate - get the same stuff sent every week and make sure it is all quick/easy food for the week.

paying brownie subs, DH can do this

buying kids birthday presents, cards etc for parties. DH can do this
Not to mention Christmas!

That doesn’t include the usual washing (which I agree only takes 5mins), ironing, putting clothes away etc. DH can do some washing etc when he is at home at the weekend

Your DH presumably gets at least 28 days leave per year and is home at weekends? So he needs to be pulling his weight then with family stuff.