Mums in professional services- how do you make it work?

[shatteredbyhavingitall]

I am a fee earner in a professional services firm and am struggling to make my role/ working pattern work so wondered if anyone had any tips on how to make it work in a client facing role?

At present I work 8.30-3 every day so drop kids at breakfast club, race to work, race back to school. After school is the usual dance classes, football, gymnastics etc plus playdates. Then cook dinner, do house admin and washing etc, get kids in bed and start work again at 7.30pm, feeling knackered and like the clients/ colleagues are disappointed as I've not been available since 3. Husband works away so can't help: I am solo parenting most of the time.

How do other professional services people make it work? I love my job but this is exhausting me! Any tips on how to make it sustainable would be very welcome!

Monday to Friday we are very organised, I’m also lucky that my parents help with the school run. I leave the house at 6am so I can start work at 7 and then can pick up the kids from school at 3. I then have multiple football, basketball, swimming after school clubs. I then am home and sort dinner, washing and all school lunches ready for the next day. Majority of housework will wait until the weekend. We both work full time but My dp really doesn’t have the same standards of cleanliness when it comes to housework as me and washing, cleaning, ironing, food shopping etc is all down to me... it’s hard work and by Friday i am exhausted, but my son plays for a football team so Saturday is usually taken up with me driving him here there and everywhere for football games, followed by housework and then the food shop. My parents were the same and it’s just what I’m used to. If you can afford it pay for as much help as you can, or reduce your hours. A cleaner is definitely top of my list when we have cleared some debts!

You are doing too much. I am a single parent and work fulltime in investment banking, although my son is now older primary school. I have an aupair to look after DS for a few hours after school.

You need to simplify your life considerably:

No afterschool activities. Don't bake cakes, don't make costumes, don't iron/pay cleaner an extra hour for ironing.
Brownie subs on standing order (or stop Brownies as above)
Haircuts - once every 3/4months on a Saturday?
I don't have any pets - enough to do.
I stick a wash in the morning before going to work and AP hangs it out.
Cleaner once a week (this is fine as we are mostly out all day)
Automate all life/house admin that you can or do it in 5mins here or there at work or during commute.
Online food shopping delivered Saturday morning.

No weekday playdates!

I also have lots of kids and lots of life admin, like the OP. I can’t see how you have none unless your children go to boarding school and you have no social or family life or use the doctor, dentist or hairdresser or have any help at home and don’t insure your house or have cars.

I also am unable to go round the house and search for washing, sort it into colours / fabric, load machine and power / fabric conditioner , run the load, take it out and sort into hanging / tumble dry items, hang and table dry, iron anything that is required and put it all away in the correct room / wardrobe all in 5 mins.

Nor can I make a chicken do three main meals for 6 teens and adults.

So I am indeed a total failure . < hi fives the OP>

Strawberry - does your DP do anything? He sounds awful.

You sound as if you are trying to be supermum. I work FT in a professional job - no way would I be making costumes, baking cakes, ironing. I buy costumes or cobble together from existing clothes. I buy cakes for cake sale. I don’t iron - shake clothes and hang carefully instead. If I needed to iron I’d pay my cleaner to do extra. I already get her to change beds.

Honestly you are sounding as if you want to be the ‘homemaker’ mum for your DC - making costumes as cakes, collecting them from school, doing after school activities. The reality is that you have a demanding job. You can’t do it all yourself without getting stressed or burned out.

Does your DC school have lots of SAHMs/ part time workers who you’re trying to keep up with, with all this baking cakes and showing you can do it all like them?

How the hell does doctor/dentist/hairdresser equate to life admin? , dentist is twice a year, haircut not even monthly, and doctor rarely
I'm laughing at the second by second account of loading the washing machine, it's literally seconds to add powder and fabric conditioner, even gathering up a load and separating it takes 10 mins if that
Honestly, some women are their own worst enemies, making our like a load of washing is hard work, ridiculous

Also the home insurance, like every other bill presumably is paid by direct debit, ",life admin " utter pile of shite

I have masses of life admin. I never understand those who don't.

Today

transfer money for tutor
transfer money for cleaner
confirm electrician for next week
arrange school bus booking for next term
liaise with school about medical issue for DS1
book taxis to and from event for this evening
collect parcels x 3 from central post office and parcel depot (not just down the road)
online food shop
buy christmas presents x however many I get done
cancel and rearrange DC hair appointments
wash and dry DS2s sports kits for match tomorrow morning
sort present and card for party DS2 is attending tomorrow PM
check online banking and credit card.
sort out chickens (need feed and bedding)
sort overnight bags for DC for this evening
Collect DC from school bus and take to grandparents who are babysitting
Do vat return

• 1 x full days' actual work (I try not to work on Fridays but clients don't always cooperate..)

somehow then get ready for a charity ball (work related) this evening.

Seriously ladies.. you need to learn how to delegate more.
In your professional day jobs, I bet you have lots of underlings who you delegate work to. Do the same at home.

I delegate all washing and cleaning to DH.

You have to have a dh who pulls his weight or pay someone to do it. If you work in professional services, then you definitely get paid enough.

DH is extremely hands on but is also an equity partner in a law firm and the difference is that he doesn't get the flexibility of working from home or (trying) to take fridays off.

I'm not bemoaning my lot tbh but I am agreeing with pps that there can be a lot of life admin.

Full time nanny, available until whatever time one or other of us can get home from work

A lot of that life admin can be managed through standing orders/emails/booked online.
Presents ordered on amazon when the invitation is received.
DC to organise their own kits and overnight bags
Parcels delivered to somewhere convenient
Although, I don't have chickens or VAT returns.

It is fascinating that it is always so impossible for men to work flexibly, despite them supposedly being able negotiate so much better than us.

I strongly suspect they aren't trying that hard.

It is fascinating that it is always so impossible for men to work flexibly, despite them supposedly being able negotiate so much better than us.

I strongly suspect they aren't trying that hard.

I think its a little naive to think it wouldn't have a very negative impact on their careers. It clearly would. To an extent we get away with it since people expect women to ask (but it obviously impacts on our careers too).

Only thing on that list that could be done by SO/Direct Debit is the tutor payment and even then it would be a PITA and we would end up in a mess since sometimes she comes and sometimes she can't. Anyway as I say I'm not bemoaning my lot I'm just saying there is life admin stuff to do in this house. I actually enjoy my Fridays getting stuff sorted (although not the vat return)

I didn't say it wouldn't have a negative impact on their careers.

It's just that women are conditioned and expected by society to accept the negative impact on their careers, primarily so that men don't have to.

You've (general you) chosen from a limited pool of options, so your DH doesn't have to face any impact on his work and can continue unfettered by domestic responsibilities. A very interesting thread on here a while ago about facilitated men.

We manage by the dc going to a childminder 3 days after school, dp and dm have them on the other days. Dp takes them to their ballet class, they do music lessons at school and their other activities (swimming and riding) happen at the weekends.

There are still never enough hours in the day, but we get by.

It is fascinating that the husband's job is always considered the one unchangeable fact in the setup.

The OP's husband works away. Well, he could change that now that he has small children. A mother who worked away all week would likely at least consider changing her working pattern once she had children.

Have a nanny
I switched into a role that generally doesn't involve travel
DH chose a specialism where he wouldn't have to work away
I work 4 days and am rigorous about being switched off on the fifth
I chose a firm where the leadership were serious about work/life balance. I'm very particular who I work for.

Nanny

Magic Circle lawyer - I just had to learn that I couldn't do it all. If you carry on as you are at the moment you are putting yourself at risk. It is difficult to let go but as numerous other PPs have said, it is difficult running a household and sorting out children with a 9-5 job. Doing it without help for those of us on a minimum 60 hour week is impossible unless you only need one hour of sleep a night. Your husband needs to pull his weight but you need to consider what extra help you need/can afford. We had au pairs for a while who dealt with all the school runs/playdates/after school activities or a nanny is another option. This sorts out all the laundry and meals for the children so you only have yourself to worry about. A friend (equity partner so cash to splash) actually has a nanny and a housekeeper which, once she had had a bit of a time of it finding ones who were the right fit, works really well for her since it means that the limited time she has with her children is not spent trying to get everything else done. Meals, washing, grocery buying etc all done. I can't afford that BUT I do get the groceries delivered (Tesco online is great we we are) - if I don't have time to do a new list then I just get what I had last week. The kids call it a "ready steady cook shop"! Everything that can be is on direct debit/standing order. Cleaner and gardener a must, cleaner also does the washing and ironing. I eat far more ready meals than I would like but, ho hum, something has to give. I also hate to say it but you need to take a long hard look at what you want to achieve and when. Earlier in my career I put nearly everything into my job in order to get partnership. If they wanted to send me abroad on business at the drop of a hat, I went. If they needed me to cancel holiday to deal with an urgent matter, I did it. I made absolutely sure that no one could say that I didn't work as hard as the male associates or let my family impact on my work. The worst thing was that that made absolutely NO difference. The fact that I had children at all seemed to cloud people's perceptions. The two of us mums in our department were eventually made up in our early forties. The profession has moved on recently but not nearly as much as it should have. Think about what you really want. Flexible working is available, even in the Magic Circle, but you have to make it work for you. Sadly, you can't have it all. If you want the stellar career then you need to outsource all then stuff you can afford to!

To be fair, my DH does work flexibly but it's in order to facilitate contact with DSS who lives 200+ miles away - so his flexibility is 'used up' with that and we still have two other DC to work around.

OP, I think if you changed the structure of your working week it would make a massive difference to your life. Doing 4x working days with wraparound care and then one day at home to sort out life admin would mean you aren't running around like a blue arsed fly so much. I'm busy on my days at home, but I don't feel like I'm dropping things because I'm not here the rest of the time.

I am not in professional services but I'm board level in an externally facing, fast paced role.
I job share and have managed to maintain and increase seniority this way. Normally three very long days up to 14-16 hours when most of the time I don't see the children both ends of day. But two days off when I'm around in the week, do the school run, do play dates, activities, life admin and rest. Plus the weekend of course. Our childcare is set up to facilitate this and my partner does school drops as he works US time so mornings quieter. After school is after school plus babysitter. Also being three days has meant school breaks less of a hassle and I flex to four if partner is on leave or major events. School hours is horrendous for maintaining senior careers. to OP

I work full time and DH travels a lot. We make it work by having an au pair for wrap around care.

By the time I get home the kids are bathed and having dinner. This means we can relax and enjoy each others company for 2 hours before bed.