How do women ever feel able to have a second child?

[PirateWeasel]

My DS is only 9 weeks so this is probably hormones and exhaustion talking. I always wanted two children, but right now the thought of being pregnant again, going through labour and birth, getting stitched up, having to spend almost two months recovering, bleeding, and crying at everything again... not to mention having sex again in order to conceive #2 (we tried the other day for the first time and it was so painful from my third degree tear repair). The whole thing just feels hopeless. Please tell this is all normal and that others have felt the same and nevertheless gone on to happily have another baby. My body just feels so broken still, I genuinely don't know if I can handle it all again.

If it helps, I felt exactly how you currently do. I also had a third degree tear and remember assuring anyone at all that dd would be an only child as I was never doing that again. Currently I'm 39 weeks pregnant and dd is only 2yrs 3 months so I'm guessing what they say about biology wiping things from your memory is correct! Good luck, I hope you feel much better soon. Make sure you take your time and give yourself time to heal.

Totally normal, you will feel better and you will be absolutely fine!

Entirely normal.
As PP said, however, by and large you do overcome the memories enough to have more. I know friends who had very traumatic births and did it all again a couple of years later.
I had three babies in three and a half years. I write that and think what was I on but I did it!
Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

You get some kind of amnesia that allows you to go again. I felt the same for a few months after no. 1. She's 16 months now and I'm expecting no. 2.

Mother Nature plays a Jedi mind trick on you and the memories of all the pain and chaos will fade. When you have number 2 it will all come flooding back and you'll think "why the hell did I do this again??"

In all seriousness, it will be fine. I felt EXACTLY the same after I had DD and vowed she'd be an only child. Her younger brother came along 2 years later:)

My DD is 19 months and I would still happily be sterilised so that there was not a chance I would have to go through it again. My pregnancy was horrific mentally and physically. I have moments when I think I would like her to have a sibling but the idea of being pregnant again fills me so much anxiety I know it will never reasonably happen.
You baby (congratulations) is brand new so don’t think because you feel this way now you will always feel that way. I know lots of people who have had babies close together or 3/4 babies, it different for everyone.

They are still so sleep deprived and exhausted from the first child they don't think through the implications :)
[only partly joking]

There's a sweet spot at about 10 months where you've forgotten the pain and the baby is easy and not yet walking.

Mine are 20 months apart. If I'd missed that sweet spot I think I'd have waited till no1 was in school!

I haven't forgotten and DS is nearly 3. However most others seem to have and have had another child so it must happen :)

I didn't forget exactly, but I did get a better sense of perspective as things got easier. The newborn/postpartum period was extremely intense and overwhelming and childbirth wasn't exactly my favourite either. But DD got bigger and things settled down. She started to sleep 'properly' (all through the night) around about the time that DS was conceived, which might tell you something.

The second time around I went into things with my eyes wide open and secure in the knowledge that the craziness is really temporary. With the first baby, I sort of knew that intellectually, but it still felt like perhaps it would last forever. There was a sort of desperation that I didn't experience the second time. With DS it was more like: 'right, this is going to be difficult, but we'll get through it'. And this actually made it more enjoyable, in my experience.

No one is expecting you to do it all again tomorrow. In a year it will probably be a distant memory, and you'll want another. Maybe not, if you don't want to do it all again is it a problem? Time is a great healer, and with a baby so young and your body still not fully healed, you've a way to go yet. Don't rush it, see how you feel in 6 months or a year.

I felt like you did after my first and my second. I have 3.

I know it sounds like an old cliche but you do forget. It's some sort of instinctive response I think.

You find out it all gets much better. You heal, baby starts sleeping (a bit) more, they become interesting rather than cute. And with distance you get over the horror too.

I have 3.5 years between mine; I only considered it again because I was getting more sleep. I've come around to the idea of another one much sooner this time as DD2 is a much better sleeper than DD1! And I agree about the sweet spot for another. I find it happens before they turn two; no one I know would willingly and knowingly go into having a two year old with a newborn otherwise

I never did forget and am almost certainly stopping at 1 (DD is 3)! You don’t have to have more.

Because as hard as it is now (and I know it’s unspeakably hard) it will be as rewarding, enjoyable and wonderful in a couple of years. I couldn’t bond with my son at first, I had mild postnatal depression. But by the time he was three he just made me so happy every single day. Now I have two kids, and am pregnant with my third (and final). I know it’s going to be hard at first, but they honestly bring me such joy, I know it’s going to be worth it. Things should start improving soon for you, but if you start to feel like things aren’t quite right please tell your health visitor (or doctor) because pnd is common and easily treated. Your post doesn’t make me think you have it by the way, it’s just that I did, so I always mention it to people.

I felt the same as you and hadn't decided on whether to have a second when DS was a baby. I was so worried about my poor fanny after birth and found the whole thing traumatising, despite it being a textbook (if long) labour and birth.

I promise you though it gets easier (and harder!) as you get into the swing of it, and grow more confident. It gets much more rewarding.

I'm pregnant with my second and DS will be 3 next month. I wasn't keen on the teeny age gaps that some people favour; I don't forget that quickly!

I had twins and got it all over in one go! Not planning to have a third though and grateful that I don’t have to go through pregnancy again as it nearly killed me.

I felt upset and stressed after DD1 that I would have to go through it all again (wanted at least 2 children). I also had a third degree tear but recovered well. At 11 months DD started sleeping through the night and I found myself thinking 'we could do this again' although we waited until DD was 2 to ttc.

Pregnancy hasn't been fun this time but it's bothered me less, as it's probably the last time and more expected. Second labours are often (fingers crossed) easier and I'm hoping it will be less of an emotional/life style change going from 1-2.

Try to put it to the back of your mind for now.

God, my DS is 14 months and I still don't feel ready OP. He has never slept through. I can't ever really relax in the evening because I'm never sure when his first wake up will be and how difficult it will be to settle him. I haven't slept in the same bed as DH (or had sex) since he was born because of DH's piledriver snoring waking both me and DS, and DS being in bed with me much of the night. He still naps on me in the day as well (if I haven't managed to get him to sleep in the pram).

There is no way on God's green earth I would ever consider getting pregnant while DS's sleep is like this. My mental health would be destroyed.

I don't know how or why, OP. DS is six and I never considered having another. Perfectly straightforward pregnancy and a straightforward CS, healthy baby.

I only had one. Never ever ever again. No mind tricks from Mother Nature for me.

You do not HAVE to have another.
Generally, labour is a lot easier second time around.
Currently, you are in the horrendous learning how to be a mum phase. If you go for it again, you will know how to feed, change, settle, wean, handle and entertain your DC. You will recognise the 'hungry' cry and the 'tired' cry straight away and know how to deal with it.
Right now, you are doing a brand new job, with no instructions or operating manual, and it is relentless 24/7 responsibility for a live, unexploded bomb. Throw in hormones, fatigue, physical changes, loss of social interaction at the workplace, etc. Basically your whole world has been turned on its head, and you are not feeling ready to do it all again yet. Probably just as well!
Time will tell if you will ever feel like having DC2, but if you do, and you have a 'how can I ever love it as much as DC1?' episode, please do not worry, a whole other heart space will open up that you never knew was there before. Like a second stomach for pudding when you are already 'full'. (OK, I know that's not anatomically true )
Congratulations on your new arrival. Things will get easier, and MN can be a great resource for you. Make sure you look after yourself, and it is ok to put DC in cot while you have a shower or just take 5 mins breather.
Do speak to HV or GP if you feel overwhelmed.

I had twins and no way would I ever do it all again. Mine are 6 now and as much as I love them, the whole experience has scarred me for life.

I think the labour is the only part I could do again. Severe sickness and PND meant pregnancy and months 4-11 Of my DD's life were pretty grim.

It is all normal, I felt like that too but by the time she was a year old I was frustrated that due to breastfeeding my periods hadn't come back, because I was ready for another. We did go for a debrief at the hospital she was born at to try to find out why things had gone so badly at her delivery though (DH thought I was going to die when they chucked DD at him an hour after my emergency caesarean and rushed me back into surgery, and nobody said otherwise...).

After dc3 though the surgeon told me another would kill me, so it actually is never again no matter what now.

How you feel is normal.

You may change your mind as pain and memory fades.

You may not though, and that's ok too.

As others say it is not compulsory to do it again.

Childbirth injury shouldn't be taboo.