How do women ever feel able to have a second child?

[PirateWeasel]

My DS is only 9 weeks so this is probably hormones and exhaustion talking. I always wanted two children, but right now the thought of being pregnant again, going through labour and birth, getting stitched up, having to spend almost two months recovering, bleeding, and crying at everything again... not to mention having sex again in order to conceive #2 (we tried the other day for the first time and it was so painful from my third degree tear repair). The whole thing just feels hopeless. Please tell this is all normal and that others have felt the same and nevertheless gone on to happily have another baby. My body just feels so broken still, I genuinely don't know if I can handle it all again.

I had always wanted three children. Then in the first nine months of having my daughter I was absolutely adamant that she would be an 'only'. I found it so so tough. I remember finding the idea of having another absolutely horrifying.

I am currently in the ten month sweet spot and would have another tomorrow if we could afford two sets of nursery fees. It literally changed overnight for me.

I was the exact same ! I wasn't ready for 2 years x

Ds1 was exactly two years when I got pg with ds2. I watched a friend's two dcs playing and I thought I want that for ds1. I was sure I'd only have one dc. I had a back to back delivery and an episiotomy and ds1 was a difficult, screaming and puking baby. We know now why no advice in the baby books worked as he's autistic. He was incredibly difficult compared to neurotypical babies because he has a sensory disorder too. He didn't go swimming until he was four years old because of the sensory issues. But ds2 is brilliant and I'm so glad we got him. He's such fun and good company. Ds1 is too but they're different.

Because you're programmed to forget the hard bits otherwise the human race would never have survived. You only remember stuff once you're committed!

Totally normal - you are nowhere near recovered yet!
I swore a million times I'd never have another- and indeed there is a 5 year gap between my 2... It was the only way I could do it.

DS1 was an awful sleeper so it took me years to feel ready. But I did and it was much easier second time around (aged 40!) . I'm so glad I took the leap of faith again.

There's a sweet spot at about 10 months where you've forgotten the pain and the baby is easy and not yet walking.

DS will be 10mo this weekend and I identify with this SO much. Even tried to be reckless with contraception this week although thankfully DH is more level headed than I am 😂

I dare not put my own experience in writing on this topic, but for us sex at 9weeks pp was an absolutely laughable idea. As others have said, you don’t HAVE to do it again. And it’s very very early days. Relax, enjoy your lovely new baby, and don’t think about the future too much!

It took me three years to want another one after the trauma of the first. Second was the last one though!

Very normal to feel the way you do, and some may never go on to have another.

Of course you feel like that, it’s an assult on every level!
And as for being ok to have sex again after 6 week check, that guideline was NOT invented by a woman who had torn let me tell you.

But it’s all so much easier the second time. Your body knows what to do , my second birth and labour was at least 10 times less painful than the first.
I knew how to get a baby to sleep.
Second child is born into a much more fun environment. A toddler to watch, a family to fit into. The first one had everyone’s breathless attention and anxiety pinned on it, and parents who were learning to be parents.
You’ll get there op x

Good luck OP. You're only 9 weeks PP with your first, don't underestimate how bloody tough it is.

When you start having sex again make sure you have adequate contraception - I fell pregnant again at 2 months pp and had my second baby when my first was 11 months.

It took me 10 years to even contemplate having another. If you had asked me at 9 weeks (!!!!) I would have thrown something at you

Your feelings are totally normal
You may be ready to have another in a year or two
But you may never feel the need to have more- that’s ok too
Be kind to yourself op

I wonder this same thing, so have found this thread very interesting. My little boy is 7 months and I love him so much and a very rational part of me wants another, but there's a louder part of me screaming DONT BE STUPID THERES NO WAY YOU COULD DO THIS AGAIN. I guess at some point one of the voices will win out!!

It's still early days for you. Give it a year and you'll have healed and be in your stride with an increasingly independent little toddler and that's when it seems like a great idea to have another.

You don't have to. I am now pregnant with DC2, there will be a 7.5 year age gap. This is ok too. I feel like I will remember some things and some instincts, as well as knowing that the stage you are currently in passes. It is SUCH early days for you. Your body does not want you to get pregnant again just now and your hormones will help with that!

Also I didn't have sex for MONTHS after the last one, this was ok. Well it would have been nice if we'd been able to but don't force yourself, it's supposed to be fun and a human just came out of there...

I know someone who had a horrific labour, lots of tearing/needing surgery months afterwards, who said no way was she having another child... she did

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure right now it seems a definite no, but you never know...

Gosh sounds really tough OP

It’s so tiring in those early weeks I’m not surprised the thought of doing it again is so unappealing! But everything is unappealing when you’re tired :)

I wanted another baby about a year after my first, but then again I had a very easy baby, lots of support and minimal birth injury. If it takes you longer than that to come around then there is still plenty of time to have another!

I felt the same and stuck with one child!

AgentCooper I'm the same. DD 14mo and a terrible sleeper who spends half the night in with me and also has to nap on me. My mental health has really suffered from lack of sleep. Every now and again she'll sleep through and I'll think maybe eventually we could have another, then she goes back to sleeping shite and I want to punch myself in the face for even considering it

I sent my husband to have the snip after number one when he was about 6 months as I found it exhausting been a parent! You really do get over it and I went on the have another 4 (he didn't do it obviously)!

I was the opposite, I remember DS being 6 weeks old and being so broody, I remember telling DH I wanted 6 kids and it was so lovely and all worth it, I'm now looking at my 2yo and wanting to cut my own ovaries out 🙃

Bless you. I had a traumatic time when I had my daughter now 8 yrs old. I had an anyrism that burst and caused me to have a stroke whilst I was 39 weeks pregnant, my family were told that me or baby probably wouldn't survive but they delivered my daughter by c section and I had brain surgery and was in a coma for 2 weeks and don't remember the first 6 weeks of my daughter's life and for months whilst recovering and after 3 times going back to theatre for brain surgery I was so frightened that something would happen to me and my daughter would be left without a mum. Me and DH decided not to have any more children as it was to worrying and traumatic for everyone. But as the years went by we seemed to forget all the negatives and 4 yrs later I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter now 4yrs old. And everything went fine, I had to have a c section again but I got to stay awake this time as I didn't want to miss a single moment. I know it's a bit different but what I'm trying to say is that you forget about all the negatives and decide that your child was worth everything you went through. And you will miss having a little one around the house when yours starts preschool.

There's a reason why age gaps of less than 18m are comparatively unusual in the UK. By 9m it's still exhausting. By the more common 2-3 year age gaps, sleep is better and bodies more recovered.

You've had a hard birth. My 3rd degree tear was as bad as my EMCS (plus tear from pushing for 2 hours) and considerably more painful. It was actually a longer recovery because it added a lot more damage to my SPD.

I still kept a big picture sense of broodiness between DS1 & 2 and felt "ready" after DS1 was 1. My slow recovery contributed to stopping at 2. I couldn't do another 2y age gap again after the best part of 4 years of hard pregnancy/ birth and recovery. By the time DS2 was 3, the broody bubble had burst and life was getting easier and I didn't want to repeat again.

I knew a few people who had vowed never again, but changed their minds and had 3y gaps. Perspectives change and the only right number is what works for you.

Just one here. Never ever again!