How do women ever feel able to have a second child?

[PirateWeasel]

My DS is only 9 weeks so this is probably hormones and exhaustion talking. I always wanted two children, but right now the thought of being pregnant again, going through labour and birth, getting stitched up, having to spend almost two months recovering, bleeding, and crying at everything again... not to mention having sex again in order to conceive #2 (we tried the other day for the first time and it was so painful from my third degree tear repair). The whole thing just feels hopeless. Please tell this is all normal and that others have felt the same and nevertheless gone on to happily have another baby. My body just feels so broken still, I genuinely don't know if I can handle it all again.

Nine weeks is quite early in the healing process for a third degree tear. Just think of all the layers of muscle that are healing.

I didn’t even consider sex for six months. Too knackered, not to mention terrified of the pain. It still hurt.

As for another child, it took me three years to even consider it - but only if I could have an elective section.

10 years ago I was right where you are now .., I’ve just had my 3rd. It does get better, be kind to yourself it’s only 9 weeks post birth.

I had a difficult pregnancy traumatic birth (induction went tits up and ended with EMCS) followed by a colicky non-sleeping baby and PND. I was so terrified of the whole birth/newborn part again that I aimed to have a smallish age gap to get it all out of the way. I was not thinking straight when I got pregnant with my second, I was just ‘have another baby now get it all over with and complete your family’ and ended up with a just under 2 yr age gap.
The second time was an ELCS followed by an easy sleep loving baby. If she was my first I’d have wanted 100 babies 😂 so I can see why if someone has an OK birth and gets sleep they’ll be looking forward to doing it all again. Equally after my first I could have gone the other way and been all ‘nope, never again.’
Your body takes a long while to feel OK again sometimes, so it’s normal to feel like you do - you’ve been through the biggest most dangerous and amazing experience. However please keep an eye on yourself for PND it took me until my 2nd was born before I was diagnosed and I wish I’d got help sooner. Not saying you have it at all just if you feel anxious, angry, depressed or negative keep an eye on those feelings

It's funny about the amnesia, I had such complete and effective amnesia (thanks to sleep deprivation maybe? Or hormones?) that I can't remember much of the baby years at all, not just the pregnancies and births!! It's like a great big duvet of hazy out of focus forgetfulness has settled down over those years. When I try I can remember stuff - like if people ask me about cloth nappying, establishing breastfeeding, how many babygros they need, when the DCs started walking, I can dredge up the factual information. But all the negative stuff is kind of dissociated, like it happened to someone else. Hence the multiple DCs

I didn't forget DD1s birth (pretty horrible - 3rd degree tear too). I had some hormonal hair brained scheme going in my head whereby i'd do it 'properly' this time... (Smooth birth, breastfeeding going easily etc.)

Anyway DD2 was born via a blissfully calm Csection and was formula fed after a week. I'd done it properly both times, but it took a second go for me to be easier on myself! 17 months between them. Two's my limit though!

I really enjoyed pregnancy and giving birth so I was very ready to go again. But after three plus years of breastfeeding my breasts are ravaged and I can’t do it again for fear that they’ll get even worse.

Your baby is only 9 weeks. What you're feeling is completely normal. DC2 is 11 weeks old and it's exhausting! Babies take over your house, time, relationship... it's a difficult and hormonal time. DC1 is 7, so we're able to see that this tiring time only lasts for so long and then one day you have a chatty, funny, cuddly child and it's wonderful. And that's what makes you do it all over again!

I want another, but would be horrified if It happened before DS went to nursery school. He's 2, and has only just started sleeping without multiple wake ups a night. I can't do it yet. DH is shit with small babies.

I found the first year alright, 1-2 was HARD, now he's talking, it seems easier she says, casually, awaiting the shitstorm of terrible twos to arrive

But we are sandwiched between a house with a newborn on one side and a fairly epic tantrum thrower on the other, so it's like i can hear the past and the future all at once

Yep I think i must have missed the sweet spot pps mention! I do want another but haven't been able to bear it yet (DD 3.5). actually not pregnancy/birth related (enjoyed pregnancy, shit birth but I'd do it again) but I fears being over-whelmed/spread too thin/even more chronically sleep-deprived/losing my shit. We have very little support/help though. DD is completely amazing but she takes up all my focus and energy, I can't yet imagine having another to contend with!

How do women ever feel like hav8ng another child?
They forget. They forget the pain and the pregnancy, Labour and even sleepless nights.

And then (at least for me), once contractions start, it all comes back again and you remember why you said ‘Never again’ 😏😏.

Didn’t stop me from dreaming of third pg....

Totally normal. I was abnormal as in I just seemed to pop them out,when dc3 was 13 weeks I was pregnant again
I'm definitely done at 4 though.

My number 2 is 9 weeks and I honestly know what you're feeling! After my first I didn't want any more ever. I had a traumatic birth ending in a section and didn't want to go through it all ever again.

She was an October baby and the first time I had sex after her was the day before Christmas Eve. (Id has some Dutch courage in me haha)

Honestly how your feeling now will pass 💖

I should mention my first was born 2 years ago

It is so interesting hearing different perspectives on this. I went into having my child thinking that I definitely wanted at least 2, loved being pregnant, straightforward easy c-section birth, loved the newborn stage and every stage since... She is my absolute world and I am so happy being a parent. But she's well into being two now and I can't imagine ever wanting another one. It's really odd!

Totally normal. I even started giving away all DD's newborn things as I was so certain I would never ever do it again. I hated every minute of the first 3 months. She's now 10 months old and were already talking about a second!

This 10 month sweet spot people mention is when I go back to work so that’s where my energy is directed! It gets easier op and 2nd time round things are easier. I had a 3rd degree tear with 1st and a non sleeping baby, and hyperemesis both times

"There's a sweet spot at about 10 months where you've forgotten the pain and the baby is easy and not yet walking.

Mine are 20 months apart. If I'd missed that sweet spot I think I'd have waited till no1 was in school!"

Haha agreed. Mine are 19 months apart

Some people forget what it was like, and some definitely don't! I'm in the latter camp, I have an only child. I did nearly die though, and then had horrendous PND, so there was no way I was risking that again! And actually, while I love my boy to bits, having an only child worked out very well for us so I've no regrets.

I didn't forget about the awfulness of DS1 arrival and unpleasant pg, but it did seem less traumatic over the years. Also I wanted DS1 to have a sibling more than I hated being pg. 28 months between the two. With DS2 I said right from the outset I had to have a ELCS or I wasn't giving birth. :)

I didn't forget, but I knew that if I got used to life with an older child who was becoming more independent and sleeping, that it would be harder to go back to having a newborn again. The few months I had between stopping breastfeeding and getting pregnant were amazing and if I'd gotten used to it I think DC1 would have been an only!

Oh my goodness. Sex after 9 weeks with a third degree tear? I waited 6 months. I had 3 kids. Births 1 + 3 were complicated and scary. I won't have more for this reason. Sleep deprivation is hard but the kids are so so brilliant. You have such fun ahead of you.