I miss my evenings :-(

[Mississippilessly]

We have a 10 week old DS. Currently he is napping in his sling, we are in the bedroom in the dark.

Up until this week we have been following the rule of no longer than 90 mins awake between naps and then letting him nap for as long as he likes. This has dictated bedtime and we have had a couple.of evenings where he has napped until 9pm or so. He will usually nap for about 2.5 hrs at a time (only ever in the sling) This hasn't always worked and he still doesnt usually get the 15.5 hrs he apparently should get. I try so hard to get him that.

This week we are trying to get him to bed earlier to try and stretch his nighttime sleep.It has been 9pm for the past 2 nights. This has meant dinner on the bed on the dark then straight to sleep for DH and I.

Today he has napped for about 6hrs. He is asleep now, has been for an hr. This is longer than they say he should be asleep for in the day.

Do I wake him up? If i let him sleep i could watch a tv programme in peace but i wonder if he would go longer at night if he had fewer naps.

My head hurts. I so want to be able to put him to bed and then just have a tiny bit of baby free time. But I am also scared of waking him - it seems wrong.

Help! I have no instinct here!

TLDR: Would you wake a baby up?!

I miss my evenings too. DCs are 11 and 14 and just won't bloody go to bed! DC 14 has reached the teenage night owl stage and is wandering around all evening before he eventually drags himself up to bed. He was similarly tricky to settle as a young baby and the lack of any sort of sensible routine was beginning to drive me mad at around 10 weeks, but it did seem to settle down a lot around the 12/14 week stage. I hadn't realised how long it would take to settle into a sleeping/waking pattern. Try not to stress about it, and enjoy the intervening years once baby starts to settle earlier because to my horror, it does not last

7 - 7 at 10 weeks old? You are putting too much pressure on yourself and honestly I think that's an unrealistic expectation of a tiny baby.
Both of mine just slept downstairs with us till 6 months old. I just took them up when I was going to bed.
There's no right/wrong just what works for you and your family.

You're definitely not doing anything wrong. Routines are different for every baby and parent. What works best for you both is what is right.

At about 4 weeks we started to do bedtime routune of bath, story, milk and bed. This started at about 6 and he went in the cot at about 7. He would then get up every 2 hours until we got up at 7am.

At about 3 months he started going 7pm until 7am and still does most nights now at 8 months.

We are very lucky that this has worked and I never expected it to.

I think the difference is he has never napped very well in the day. He has only ever napped for about 20-30 mins at a time and only 2 or 3 times a day. So he never got the recommended amount of sleep.

Don't stress too much about the amount of sleep. Babies will sleep as much as they need. You can't force them to sleep if they don't want to.

Whatever your baby is doing this week, they are likely to be doing something different next week, and again a few weeks later. We ended up with me going to bed at about 8pm and DH doing the last feed (we mixed fed) with a bottle. This was the only way I could get enough sleep to function for when she woke up again at midnight or 2 am or 3am or whatever it was she was doing that particular night.

The first year is the hardest and do whatever works for you to get through it. Remember that your baby hasn't read any of the baby books and doesn't know what they are "supposed" to be doing, so they may be doing something completely different.

I think your mistake here is expecting to get your old life back so soon —if at all!—

I’ve got a 3 week old ds. He sleeps at random, I just put him down wherever when he’s tired. Never wake a sleeping baby! He’ll find his rhythm, tying to force him into one won’t work.

For context, my DD only went 7-7 about aged 2. Babes stomachs are tiny, no way can they eat enough to last them 12 hours! Just try and go back to as normal as possible, naps in Moses basket wherever you are, eat dinner at the normal time with him on your lap if he’s awake. Trying to get away from him to have space won’t work at this age, you are all he wants/needs.

Just picture woman from other cultures, and how they just carry on as normal with a baby in tow.

Making baby got in with a U.K. working adults schedule is not realistic

Sorry to be clear I meant down in their crib 7-7 with feeds - not sleeping straight through.

I get so stressed as he will only sleep well in his sling in the day. I got him down for a nap in his crib this morning but he lasted maybe 30 minutes. He would do 2-2.5 hrs in his sling.

Last night wasn't particularly good. I am just so tired and so tired of thinking.

How are you feeding him OP? Is he breastfed?

I’m breastfeeding, but give an expressed milk top up around 9pm, and it helps him have his longest sleep of 4-5 hours. I express in the morning when he’s not as hungry, and it seems to work

Don't get hung up on how much sleep they 'should' get. Go with the flow as much as possible and do what you need to retain your sanity -which definitely doesn't include dinner on the bed in the dark!!!! Honestly I know it doesn't feel like it but you'll laugh at that one day. My kids are much older now and I regret how much of a rod for my own back I made with all the 'shoulds' when they were babies. Eventually they all sleep through the night, in their own bed. And they eat food. And dress themselves. They mostly do this to their own schedule, our role as parents it essentially to nudge it into place occasionally to best balance our own sanity against their wellbeing.

'Bubba' 🤢🤮

Yes, it is exhausting and that is all normal. It will get better eventually.

Have you tried white noise for naps in the crib? My mistake was thinking that things should be very quiet but actually babies are used to a lot of noise from the womb. Their sleep goes in cycles and I did have some success at getting my DD to sleep longer by shushing loudly in her ear after about 20 or so minutes when she was stirring. This helped her to move into the next sleep cycle.

I also found she slept best in the pram - so when we came back from a walk and she was asleep I'd push her into the garden and leave her there to sleep longer. Then I could have a sit down and a cup of tea on my own.

Helpful

Its not very clear but it seems like you're doing all naps in the sling? That's not really sustainable.

Buy a swaddle, there's one called Love To Dream or something which we found great as it keeps the arms upright which they like. We got it on jojomamanbebe. Put him in that first then put him in the sling if needs be. Also once he's asleep in the sling or whatever out him down in his cot on his side first with a rolled up towel behind, then gradually pull the towel away so he falls back on his back without waking.

And for the love of God buy a video monitor and get out of that room. I think it was 9 weeks when we first bought ours - their sleeping patterns start to change about then anyway so you need to be prepared.

And frankly you NEED that gin! You need your freedom even if it's only 2 hrs.

I actually agree with the 90 mins awake thing, that kept us from the dreaded overtiredness. But stop counting hours asleep or awake as it sounds absolutely fine.

Thanks everyone.

We tried a crib nap this morning. We put him in awake and he went off fine (we have the Love to Dream swaddle). But he was awake within about 25 mins.

Now napping in sling - nearly 3 hrs so far.
We have bought a video monitor today. I will keep trying in the crib, I just want to make sure he naps enough.

I am sure I am overthinking this - I just don't know how not to!! He doesnt just fall asleep - even the car isnt a sure fire way.

I did manage to find 2 mins to raid my old clothes so I am now in my old jeans rather than my maternity ones

*littlemeitslyn' do fuck off

@Mississippilessly you are over thinking it but I think most of us have been there. I can remember scribbling down all my DS’s naps in a terrible sleep deprived state, desperate for a pattern 🤦‍♀️

Let them sleep however they are happiest in the day, Moses basket then cot at night. They’ll learn. And so will you. All babies vary. You are still learning about yours.

I think your problem is the napping in the sling. Sounds restrictive and he needs to get used to the crib. Ditto the dark and quiet. You don’t want to be tip toeing around babies. They can (and should) sleep through light and noise.

DD suddenly went from 9/10pm bedtime to 7.30 at about 10/11 weeks old, she's now 4 months and goes between 6.15 and 7.

Your evenings will be back soon I'm sure.

DD suddenly went from 9/10pm bedtime to 7.30 at about 10/11 weeks old, she's now 4 months and goes between 6.15 and 7.

Your evenings will be back soon I'm sure

Exactly the same as my 4 month old DD! It just sort of fell into place!

AIBU to think this is subtle sexism?

Had a follow up appraisal with my line manager. Everything was actually very good. Only comment was my emails are too professional and can be perceived as passive aggressive.

As I have been on a professional written comms course, I always follow the pattern:
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Am I over thinking this?!
I work in a very male dominated environment where everyone calls each other mate. Am the only female in a department of 15 and work directly with directors in other departments.

Hang in there. I stopped going to bed at 7pm once the baby was 6 months.

Tbh if he does go down OK, then keep going with the crib. Never mind it's a short nap. Mine never bloody napped longer than 40 mins ever. Did it do them any harm? Not at all.

Now if they had been in the sling they might have napped for hours but I just found that too claustrophobic. And with No. 2 it's not practical.

I realised it was less how long they napped and more about them not staying awake for hours in between. That meant they possibly had more naps in number, but it evened out to probably the same amount of time actually napping. It was just a pain in the arse for me. I had friends who got loads done in these 2 hr naps and I barely had time to do the washing up before they woke again.

However it worked out absolutely fine. They were always fairly light nappers. They had dropped both naps by 1ish!

But on the flip side they went to bed like lambs at 7 and were often asleep in 5 mins. So I guess what you loose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts. Or something.

So in summary, all kids nap differently and you just have to roll with it. They change every bloody month anyway. Everything is phase. And throughout you have to protect your mental health!

I can sympathise as my lo has always been (and still is) a very light sleeper, even as a young baby. I used to feel frustrated with everyone telling me babies sleep through anything and get them used to noise! So I do think some babies need quieter environment as frustrating as it can be pre 6 months when you’re in the room with them.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has been suggested, but have you tried getting him to sleep in the sling, then removing the sling while he's asleep and putting him in the crib still in/on it?

Might depend on the type of sling I guess but I used to do this with my babies. Worked particularly well with my first when she was a few months older than your son is now and could go on my back - I had a mei tai sling and got very good at untying the straps and gently lying her down on the bed, on top of the sling, without waking her!

Hi @Mississippilessly you sound similar to me in that you like a bit of structure. Some people like routines and some prefer to go with the flow. For my sanity I needed a routine and it really changed how settled my DS's were, how easily they went to sleep etc. Therefore I recommend the 'Moms on call' app. It has routines for every age of baby, to give you an idea of how a day could look. As your baby grows you update the age and see a new schedule. I didn't use it in a regimented way (because you can drive yourself mad) but found it very useful to give me an idea of the kind of times I could expect DS to be awake, feeding, sleeping, bathing etc. I was very anxious I was doing it all wrong, so having a routine to refer to really helped me. I actually found my DS was naturally fitting into a lot of the timings they suggest. Both my DS's slept through from an early age and continue to be good sleepers. However that may be more luck than judgement! I also think you need to stop using the sling as a sleep prop. It might be difficult initially, but if you're desperate for some baby-free time, you need to transition to using the cot or Moses basket for sleeps. You need to find a way that works for you and baby. I had friends who were completely baby-led and it suited them fine, but my DC and I were much happier following a routine. It will all work out, just give it time.

All really helpful.

I think my biggest problem is i haven't found what works for us. I don't feel confident that he will nap enough just on me during an evening. He won't sleep in his bassinet.

On the positive we have had 3 naps today, one in his crib, one in my arms and one in the sling but literally while I was talking to an HV at clinic.

I haven't had to march round the park which has been nice.