Mid life crisis/Wwyd

[Monopomum]

Am a high earner (150k). FT, out of house from 7- 7. Used to love my job, now hate. PT not an option.

DH works FT (80k). Likes his job, is home by 5.30.

We have 2 DC. Age 10 and 4.

Have v large mortgage but affordable and still have nice life. Have a lot of equity in it. House is what we always wanted.

This year I lost my parents and best friend. They were all very young. I've started to question everything.

Would I be mad to leave my job. We could buy a (much) smaller but still nice house, be mortgage free and live nicely off DH salary.

I met my friend today which thinks this would be crazy. Main points being have worked so hard to get to where I am work wise, and that money is ridiculous. I think working so hard means we are lucky to have this as an option.

Appreciate am so lucky so have a choice, but WWYD. Maybe its depression (am on meds), maybe its a midlife crisis (am 41), either way it would be a huge decision.

I just keep thinking you never know when your time is up. Perspective on work has changed so much.

God I miss my mum

So sorry for your losses.

Assuming your DH doesn't mind having the responsibility of being the sole bread-winner, I think you should go for it. I completely agree that working so hard means you have the option to go easy on yourself for a while, and it sounds like you need it. You've lost three significant people in a short space of time, you're already on ADs and you don't even enjoy your job. £80k is still a considerable amount for a family to live on. I'd say it's a no-brainer.

If you sign out of your career it's often very hard to sign back in. If you move out of a commutable distance the chances of you being as to pick up work even consultancy or freelance is curtailed.

In your position I'd think about a career break/sabattical etc for sure but keep as many options open as you can. Or at least keep your options open for a while. If you absolutely adore downsizing and not working in a few years you can make more major changes then. I speak as someone whose friend did similar and is now stuck in a naice seaside town being a sahm but longs to work again and struggles to find opportunities to do so now.

Tough one. Only you know the answer.

I probably couldn't do it. But I haven't been through the losses you have so I can't put myself in your shoes.

I would worry about getting bored. But I'm lucky to be able to work part time in a challenging role so I get the best of both worlds really.

I can't imagine being out the house 7 - 7 "just" for work. Even more so when my dc were little. To my mind, I like the phrase 'I work to live, not live to work'.
All that said, that is such a massive drop in income.
Would you really be happy giving up your home, and presumably some of your dc's hobbies / your family treats / holidays etc ?

Don't get me wrong £80K is a MASSIVE salary to live on. You'll not be on the breadline, but as humans, we are all very much 'used to' what we are 'used to'.

Plus, what does your dh feel about this massive change?
I can't help thinking there might be some kind of a compromise here. Your company might not let you go Pt, but some skills must be transferable surely ?

If you can, why not try and see it out until you are 50 and then retire early. Or, maybe take a sabbatical and travel with the kids for a bit.

Thanks both for replying.

Fetch - I realise 80k is very generous. I guess a part of me in thinking am I selfish for future for DC for giving up mine, iyswim?

Talith - sorry, for perspective the move would be same commute ( just change from best road to an ok road). Guess regarding break, would be nervous of age.

Does that change either of your opinions?

Sorry cross posted with new replies

Can you do some consultancy based work?

Your DCs will be at school, will you be fulfilled? You’ll be busy, but it can be mind numbingly boring and isolating.

I can see the appeal of packing it in and downsizing, but you’ve a career that you’ve worked hard at and invested in. I’d suggest working out a different way of working or a sabbatical, but leaving might not help you find what you need.

It might also change the dynamics in your relationship quite considerably.

Maybe seek out some counselling to help you get your thoughts in order?

What would you say to him if it was the other way round? If he expected you to move to a smaller house and carry on working while he gave up work and stayed at home?

Just some more thoughts: You do mention how much you love your house. It might be difficult to acclimatise to a smaller home. You've had a very tough time and clearly work extremely hard. It sounds like at the very least you need to have some sort of break to regroup and heal. Might a year sabbatical be an option? Plan some things that will nurture or inspire you and involve more time with the family.

Is it possible for you to work part time but in a different role but in your field? Money is not everything and even with your pay cut you would still be comfortable. Could you take an extended leave of absence to think things through? Sorry for your sadness 💐

DH is supportive either way. He is not materialistic in slightest so to him, his wage would give us a good life. Not resentful as he likes his job so would prefer to work. He just wants me to be happy. Ithink problem is am losing sight of what that is.

If you're not sure what happiness is can you identify what makes you sad?

Sabbatical not really an option as we have a lot of equity in house (so could afford to buy smaller outright if sold) but also a large mortgage. My salary means we easily cover this but would really feel it if stopped.

Good question. I think I'm just missing those I've lost so much that it's making me worry how much time I have myself, especially with my DC.

I think you should wait 9-12 months and then see how you feel. You’re still grieving multiple losses. You can still plan but I wouldn’t commit just yet.

Having said all that, we’ve dropped 50k in the last couple of years and I’m much happier.

Sorry for your losses, it’s a lot to deal with and how you are feeling is pretty normal.

If you can afford it, are you able to get signed off work for a month or two to have a break from it all?

I agree with PP that leaving the job might not help you find what you need.

I’ve done that...

Maybe start focusing on downsizing looking for the right home if it’s in the same area, won’t disrupt schools etc then that takes the pressure off the large mortgage and time for you to properly evaluate your job.

In the meantime try ride these feelings out and keep talking.

How would you feel if DH came home and said that he was giving up work?

Personally I wouldn't have stayed with my DH if he had come home and said that he wanted to stop working, but everyone if different.

I am guessing that a drop in income on that scale would result in massive cut backs in all areas - could you cope with that? Clothes, going out, cars, things for the children, holidays etc
What about future education for the children? Would you want to go private? Paying for university for two?
I am a SAHM to two teens, so can really see the pros to that. But it can be boring and lonely at times. I am lucky that I can freelance for extra money when I want to.

Can you downsize the house to something cheaper or mortgage free and go part time in another job?

So sorry for your losses.
Grief can (rightly) make us question our own lives and how we choose to spend our time. It makes us think more about what is meaningful to us, and that is very valuable.
At the same time, it is a tumultuous process and sometimes we make unusual decisions while grieving.
I would try and get signed off for a while and have some time to process things. Stepping out of the workplace fully is a big step and might not be beneficial if you are experiencing depression and in the throes or grief.
Are you seeing a bereavement counsellor?

I wouldn't leave your job until you know what direction you want to move in- move to a Croft in the country and live off the land? A job with reduced hours? be a sahm and set up small business? Etc
Try to do some planning first.

Exploding - I guess the difference is ibhate my job, he likes his. He likes working at what he does. I wouldn't make a decision by myself and am talking about it with him. Just keen to get other thoughts.

I guess the size of our mortgage plus childcare means dropping would be easier. Also being mortgage free would free up so much of DHs take home as would pay for bills and that's it.

Im worried that either way will be the wrong way. Again I understand am lucky to have choices. I want my children to have the best life possible, of course I do. But I also want to see them and enjoy life with them. Not just at weekends.

Sorry for your loss. I've heard a few people say 'don't make any major life decisions in the 6 months/year after a bereavement'-but then, these events can really galvanise us to act on things we've been ignoring. So no advice really. What is your gut instinct telling you? Of course you can have a different life if you want one. Would getting some professional financial advice or career coaching help you to see just where you stand in practical terms? The only real note of caution I can see is around depression (/grief) and stopping work-unemployment can be pretty bad for mental health...but then so can overwork!

So my post is all very swings/roundabouts, which is to say listen to your heart but really spend some time exploring what different options would look like in the short, medium and long term.