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Original poster

Mid life crisis/Wwyd

64 replies

Monopomum · 19/11/2018 17:10

Am a high earner (150k). FT, out of house from 7- 7. Used to love my job, now hate. PT not an option.

DH works FT (80k). Likes his job, is home by 5.30.

We have 2 DC. Age 10 and 4.

Have v large mortgage but affordable and still have nice life. Have a lot of equity in it. House is what we always wanted.

This year I lost my parents and best friend. They were all very young. I've started to question everything.

Would I be mad to leave my job. We could buy a (much) smaller but still nice house, be mortgage free and live nicely off DH salary.

I met my friend today which thinks this would be crazy. Main points being have worked so hard to get to where I am work wise, and that money is ridiculous. I think working so hard means we are lucky to have this as an option.

Appreciate am so lucky so have a choice, but WWYD. Maybe its depression (am on meds), maybe its a midlife crisis (am 41), either way it would be a huge decision.

I just keep thinking you never know when your time is up. Perspective on work has changed so much.

God I miss my mum

OP posts:

madnessIsay · 19/11/2018 19:56

A friend who earnt approx 200k recently stepped out of the rat race. They had been so focused since 15 on good exams, uni & work etc. Never really let their hair down & worked relentlessly.
She got to the stage of what’s the point? Had a big house paid for, plenty of savings as never had any debt. Whilst we were out spending our uni loan on vodka red bull she invested hers in an ISA etc & after some family trauma she’s disillusioned. She took time off & then quit & now consults part time. She’s so much happier & relaxed.

blue25 · 19/11/2018 19:56

You don't need a big house, expensive holidays, lots of clothes. You deserve to be happy and see your children. Your husbands income should allow for a comfortable life, so I don't really see the issue. Life's too short!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/11/2018 20:06

What is the situation with secondary schools? Is there a decent state option nearby or would the £80k be needed for private schools? Is there still an option for state in the new area?

Presumably you have quite a lot of savings? Could you take 8 weeks unpaid parental leave, carry on paying the mortgage at the current level (out of savings) but other than that only spend as if on the new salary. (Plus any childcare you can’t stop.) It would give you a chance to breathe, to see if you hate being at home alone while the kids are at school and to see if you hate living on more of a budget. At the end you may be clearer. Or at least through the worst of the winter so commuting will be easier.

CalmConfident · 19/11/2018 20:17

OP do you work for a big blue chip organisation? If so, consider all the options open to you - time off sick, sabbatical, short term drop to part time, dynamic working, compressed week etc etc. Why is PT not an option? Take advantage of healthcare - counselling, career coaching, chat with a mentor

Do not make a hasty decision / it is normal to have a huge wobble st these times and throwing more change into the mix may not help. You just need. Bit of time off the wheel.

AhAgain · 19/11/2018 20:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

Monopomum · 19/11/2018 22:05

Thanks for all the replies. Kids in bed so glass of wine and lots to think about.

To be clear. If were to move, would have minimal outgoings from DH salary so while clearly would have a large drop in overall disposable, would still have enough to give kids a good life (hobbies etc).

State schools are good. New house would be in same catchment as now.

Work in niche role in finance. Quite hard for PT. Am in London but live on outskirts.

Oh maybe I should look for something more fulfilling that can do on PT basis. No idea what, have worked since 16 in same industry!

OP posts:

OneStepMoreFun · 19/11/2018 22:30

I agree with Calm. Don't make a hasty decision. It's a good rule never to make a key decision when you are depressed, especially one that might put extra strain on you. £80k is a good amount of money by most people's standards, but it's a massively drop from the standard you and yoru children are used to.

Pippsypie1 · 19/11/2018 22:44

Ask yourself what would you miss most if you were told you had six months to live. For me it’s always my family & esp my children. No job, house, holiday etc ever enter my head when I think about that question. Might be worth a thought!

CalmConfident · 19/11/2018 22:47

One thought...it is far easier to negotiate a working pattern variation in an existing role in a company you know and are valued than to find a role that suits with new employers.

Please talk to your manager and your team - and consider GP to get you some time out in the immediate term. I am willing to bet you have positive goodwill with your current employer, use it!!! Niche finance people are hard to find, hire and retain - you may have more power to negotiate thAn you realise!

AhAgain · 19/11/2018 23:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Dowser · 19/11/2018 23:42

Never underestimate the loss of close loved ones.
People saying...give it time...

Have you really given it time. In your hectic life, have you really had time to grieve.
I worked for ten years as a bereavement counsellor and the people who did best were the ones who worked through the process.

In your hectic life have you really had time to let it all sink in, or have you managed to push Down your grief...a bit like turning off a tap.
It can come back and bite you on the bum...even years later turning up as unexplained depression from unresolved grief

You are reaching out now for what you need right now and I fel like that is time to leave the rat race and spend some time with you
Not be someone’s employee, someone’s wife, someone’s mother, someone friend and someone’s daughter

I think you need some time for you. Time to let go. Time to feel. Time to remember. Time to adjust to the new reality.
You’re never going to see your loved ones ever again.

Losing your parents makes you feel exposed and vulnerable. Never again can you pick up the phone and say , mum, I just feel like shit and if you’ve had a close relationship with your mum like I had with mine...it’s such a huge loss not having that bit of comfort from the one that always had your back.

For the sake of your sanity and you and your family’s well being I would put together an exit plan because the day will come when the dam will burst and you will cry like you’ve never cried before and you’ll wonder what hit you.

You’ll be given anti depressants that will be like sticking a plaster on a gaping wound and you might feel a little better...a bit of temporary relief.

Till you wake up one morning and feel so shit you won’t even be able to get out of bed

You’re usual coping strategies will not work anymore and you’ll think you are going insane.
You won’t be..it’s just the grief will come out...whatever way it can.

I’ve been there op. Now I have much better understanding of the process but it can still catch me off guard and I know I need to cry
I’m 66 and I miss my mum dearly.

OneStepMoreFun · 20/11/2018 17:32

@Dowser - that's such a lovely, wise and thoughtful post.

@AhAgain you say you know lots of people who have regretted 'leaving the rat race" - would you mind saying abit more about this? What did they regret? What did they not foresee? What did they imagine that turned out not to be reality? What you say is really interesting. I haven't heard that before.

luckybird07 · 20/11/2018 17:37

No. Don't leave the job. You are grieving. get some help with the grief and keep on trucking. The 150K jobs are far and few between. If you decide in a year you want to leave that is different but be very clear on what you are giving up. Most jobs are hard and you don't get paid 5 times the average salary to do them. If you decide to leave set a timeline and save every penny you can to buy you some time off. Grief makes you feel terrible- you would probably be hating a 26k a year job right now too because you are in a fragile state, but it will pass.

luckybird07 · 20/11/2018 17:45

I had a period of wanting to leave my well paid job( not as well paid as yours)- a kind of pre- emptive grief as I reaised that my parents are at the end of their lives. I am so glad that I did not quit the job because I think I would have felt this way in any job. Work is occupational therapy for many people and I do know people who have left the rat race to do an MA and they cannt get back in at the level they left so don't make any drastic decisions whilst you are in this state of mind as it is coming from a place of desperation that is not your typical state of mind. It may be on that wage that you just need to put in X more years and then you could retire early? Work out your daily rate of pay and then compare it to the other job you might get which might well be just as onerous in a different way. Unless you have wealth behind you do not leave a 150K job unless your health really is on the line. Honestly I have worked for very little money and a good deal ore than average money and the latter is far preferable...

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