Mid life crisis/Wwyd

[Monopomum]

Am a high earner (150k). FT, out of house from 7- 7. Used to love my job, now hate. PT not an option.

DH works FT (80k). Likes his job, is home by 5.30.

We have 2 DC. Age 10 and 4.

Have v large mortgage but affordable and still have nice life. Have a lot of equity in it. House is what we always wanted.

This year I lost my parents and best friend. They were all very young. I've started to question everything.

Would I be mad to leave my job. We could buy a (much) smaller but still nice house, be mortgage free and live nicely off DH salary.

I met my friend today which thinks this would be crazy. Main points being have worked so hard to get to where I am work wise, and that money is ridiculous. I think working so hard means we are lucky to have this as an option.

Appreciate am so lucky so have a choice, but WWYD. Maybe its depression (am on meds), maybe its a midlife crisis (am 41), either way it would be a huge decision.

I just keep thinking you never know when your time is up. Perspective on work has changed so much.

God I miss my mum

Exploding - I guess the difference is ibhate my job, he likes his. He likes working at what he does. I wouldn't make a decision by myself and am talking about it with him. Just keen to get other thoughts

Does he like it a much as the time he spends at home? .

I know what you mean. Life is precious and it easily passes us by.

Children grow up so fast. The hamster wheel that we all live on is relentless.

Yes you are grieving. But you have also had a wake up call.

My husband and I felt the same last year.

Money is not everything. Mental health, emotional well being, family and being happy are so important.

Make a change. Go for it. Grab what you have whilst it is still there. Don't feel constrained by other people's what ifs. Your life. Live it. Love it.

You hate your job.
You don't need the money.
That bit's not hard.

My advice: give yourself a little time to work out some alternate scenarios. Become SAHM? find consultancy or part time work in an associated field? retrain for something more fulfilling and/or family friendly? Keep going, reap the rewards in 10-15 years: retire early, get your kids on the housing ladder and have some fun then? There is more than one choice here.

You don't need the money.

They do need the money, Without the money they have to move house and significantly change their lifestyle.

I completely understand why you are thinking this

I took redundancy recently, with a pay off, having some time off and a think. Sadly the only thing I can think so far is what a bloody shame it will be to get back on the hamster wheel.

if you are in a position where you don't have to, I would seriously consider not working! I live in a small flat, single, so kind of stuck with it (although also debating moving in with elderly mum but dad died 3 weeks ago so not a great time to make choices) and renting the flat out and just looking after mum.

I have had some nice experiences in my working life, but generally, I know what it's like to hate a job.

maybe do the old pros and cons list? Could you get back into what you do if you left?

You hate your job and your DH is happy to support you in leaving. You could buy a smaller, nice house. You'd have more time to yourself and with your children. It's easy for me to say, an Internet stranger who doesn't live your life, but please take the opportunity to free yourself from something that drains the quality from your life, and spend your new free time adding value to it. Take time for yourself, have more time for your DC, find out what life has to offer besides a 12 hour working day and disposable income. I'm so sorry for your losses. Life is short and you deserve to be happy.

Would give it some time before making big life changes.

41 is young: your pension probably won’t be payable until you’re late 60s? People dying young is a shock, but the chances are higher you’ll live a good while and will need funds.

There’s a lot of time between now and pension age: things could change, eg your relationship, your H’s job or health.

I dislike my job at times but never wish to be financially dependent.

Both DC will be in school Monday to Friday.

Given your seniority, could you negotiate more flexibility or go PT, with your current or a new employer?

No way would I go for giving up my career. I do 7-7 as do my kids. It's not that unusual here. Most kids over 11 do 8-6 here.

Don't rush in. Give it a year. If you can a sabbatical do it.

How would you spend your days?

Can you pay extra towards your mortgage so it's paid off sooner? It would also give you an option to downsize later.
I think you should also look at your pension forecasts for the future.
Can you try living off DH's wage minus the mortgage?

I loathe my job but couldn't afford to give it up - but I have done part time study to move into a second career when I'm ready and it works for us financially. Is there something, anything else career wise that would make you happy? You have the benefit of not needing to earn a lot straight away or at all? I think planning to just down size property but with no real plan to keep yourself mentally occupied could end up doing more harm than good? But I so understand that big question of 'what does happiness look like to me' - death and loss inevitably make us ask those questions

As I understand it, you'd live in a smaller house, but the combination of reduced childcare costs / no mortgage would mean your actual available money to spend wouldn't be wildly different?

I agree with waiting a while to process your losses (and if you have the time I'd consider counselling to talk through both your grief and your feelings) but other than that I'd go for it in a heartbeat.

If nothing else (ie, even keeping the job), I'd consider the house downsize. Being mortgage free is a massive thing - and gives you an awful lot more options in life.

Assuming you did leave your job, your youngest DC will be in FT school soon if they aren't already, giving you the time to explore work that you might enjoy that is less all-consuming of your time.

And those saying that they wouldn't want their DH/DWs to give up work - surely it depends. TBF I'm self employed, but I love my work and wouldn't give it up for anything - would have been absolutely no problem to me when dc was small to financially support my partner if he wanted to be a SAHP. (Esp as we too were in good secure position with savings and owned our house outright, so if I'd become sick or was out of work for other reason there'd have been a cushion).

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve only read your OP but is there a middle way? Could you request a sabbatical?

I wouldn't make any hasty decisions - you're still getting over some very traumatic circumstances.

You haven't said what sort of career you're in - is there no career you could move to which you would be able to work part time? You obviously have lots of skills to be in a job paying 150k so I am sure you do have more options than work in your current job or become a SAHM.

Also 7-7 are pretty normal hours TBH, is the issue not your DH can work less?

If I was your partner I wouldn't be too pleased TBH. Your lack of earnings would mean a huge change to circumstances, more than you could probably think now. And your DC future. 80k isn't a big family income.

I’ve rtft now, I see a sabbatical isn’t an option. Could you move your mortgage to interest only to give you some breathing space? If you did that could you leave your job and stay in the same house?

Moving house is stressful too so if you can stop a job you hate without moving I think I’d do that. Also, is it the actual work you hate or the hours or your boss or what? Can you change any of that? Or change employer or commute or hours? Ignore if that’s not realistic.

Bear in mind secondary school too and university, both can cost £££

£80k sounds like a very good family income to me if you have no mortgage.

I assume the OP would choose a house in catchment for a decent state secondary.

I agree life’s too short, enjoy yours kids whilst there still young . You will never those years back and get that chance again.

Personally I’d be asking myself , if I hate my job and I’m out of the house 12 hrs a day, letting somebody else look after my kids and not to mention coming home shattered. Probably an hour at most with 4 yr old if lucky.

We all have different opinions and lifestyles
Does having a big house, cars exotic,holidays mean so much to you, as you say dh isn’t materialistic?
You need a 3 bed house,
Is the house bigger than you need? Ie 5 bed, 3 receptions, etc

Yes it probably is depression, loss of parents and a friend. It can take a long time for some to start grieving, and come out the other side.
How many months ago was it? And how long have you been on AD’s
They can take a while to work, and it might not be the right AD for you only time will tell.

You don’t have to be bored at home, your young 41, you’ll meet other mums from school, maybe a job in between school hours later if you get bored.
No mortgage is a huge factor to consider!

Have talks with hubby, maybe give it few weeks/mths more but if you really hate it( were you hating job before bereavements ?) do it

Sorry about your loss. Don’t jump into anything immediately. Take some time and be kind to yourself can you take a week or two weeks off to give yourself some head space and recovery time? What about seeing a counsellor and talking things through. Could you maybe negotiate to work from home one or two days a week or go to a 4 day week in the interim this might help things in the shorter term or move into a different career with shorter hours or freelance and have a better work life balance? I think you might regret jumping immediately from your current intensive work hours to being a SAHM especially when the children are at school.

I’m out of the house for only 2 hours less than that for work with a very short commute so most of that time is working and not travelling and I don’t even earn 20٪؜ of what you get. I guess you could always move to a smaller house/cheaper area and find a job with less hours. At least you have that option.

I think they advise not to change too much in the first year after losing someone close. You have lost 3 people in a very short period of time, so it's not surprising you are questioning your life choices. My father died last year at 60 and my mum has changed her mind about a thousand times in the last year about her own career and where she wants to live etc. So many ideas and all that indecision makes me think it was a way of coping and distracting herself from the grief. I'm glad that as yet she hasn't acted impulsively on too many of them and so is she. Would you consider giving it another 12 months, and then if you still feel the same way, making it your plan for starting 2020?

Personally I think because you actually hate your job & are relatively comfortable then money is not everything. Yes your lifestyle will have to change but you won’t be on the breadline.
If I was you I would look to try & do something part time as I need the stimulation outside of the home & worry what I will do when the kids leave. Could you take some holiday to think & strategise?

How about you work out what size house you can afford if you stopped working and look around one or two? If you think you could live with the smaller rooms/garden etc then it might help.
Have you thought of a similar job than you do now but at a lower grade so less responsibility/shorter hours?

You know, bieng out of the house 7-7 really isn't that unusual for any worker commuting into Central London - often on a fraction of what you earn.

I'd be tempted to give myself a time scale, maybe four years. That way, DC2 will just be moving into juniors and DC1 will just be beginning GCSEs. I'd live on husband's salary entirely in that four years, and apart from mortgage payments, save eveyr single penny of what you earn. partly to sample what it's like to live on his money alone and partly so you have a big cushion of savings if you down size.
Meanwhile, I'd make the absolute most of every evening with DC and every weekend. Make sure you spend at least 1/2 day out of each weekend doing something memorable and fun with them.
I'm so so sorry for your loss of parents and friend. That really does take its toll.