Not sure if I’ve gone too far with punishing DD

[ToysToysAreGone]

DD aged 3. Has been refusing to put her toys away all weekend. I’ve tried bribing her with homemade chocolate brownies she said no, I’ve tried timing her and having a competition with her – she sat on the sofa and watched me put them away, I took her TV and tablet time away until she put them away, she sat on the sofa all afternoon saying she didn’t care. I even said I’d tell Father Christmas and he wouldn’t bring anymore toys until she put them away, she said she doesn’t care.

This afternoon we’ve got back from my mums, where she happily put her toys away so I know she can do it, and she’s got the rest of her toys out so literally every toy she owned was on my living room floor – we live in a small flat so I couldn’t move for toys.

So I’ve got a black binbag and filled it with all her toys, and won’t switch the TV on now. She’s sat in the middle of the living room shouting “I love being naughty” and laughing. I will allow her to have her favourite cuddly toy back at bedtime but otherwise she’s not having them back.

She thinks they’re in the bin as I took her down to the green wheeled bins and put the black bags in – they were collected yesterday, and I had my mum come and collect the bags and take them back to hers (favourite toy was taken from the bag and is hidden in my wardrobe which she can’t open).

Give me strength? It’s not 4.06pm, she goes to bed at 7pm although I think an early night might be in order.

Have I gone too far? And if so how do I make it right? It’s not even as if she cares that her toys are gone. She’s literally sat on the floor laughing.

Gaily carry on about your business and ignore her. You're the adult and she is very much a small child, you need to take back the control.
At the moment, she very much believes that you will just give them back.
Yes to giving her a favourite for bedtime if she asks nicely.
At bedtime tell her she can have two toys back tomorrow if she tidies them away when you ask her. If not, they go again. Keep it up, no matter what happens (I used to find having a pair of headphones in my ears - nothing attached - helped because I could then just say 'I can't hear you' if wailing ensued).
She's feeling her feet, and sounds a stubborn little thing (just like dc1 was!)
Good luck.

Just as an afterthought, does she have a lot of toys? I'd ration how many she is allowed out if so, and say some have to be put away before more come out.

I literally emptied my sons bedroom once leaving just the bedroom furniture. Striped it bare. He had to earn his stuff back. He was young also. It's called consequences and they soon learn.

A reward chart might become your best friend. At 3 choose 3/4 behaviours or tasks you want to address and print off pictures that demonstrate this as they obviously can't read. I then brought a load of Poundland tat and wrapped it all. As long as he achieved 70% of what was asked of him (after all nobody is perfect and they are never going to get it right all of the time) he was allowed to select a reward present from the bag at the end of the week.

Good luck

She has a lot of toys compared to the space we have but not really loads. She will happily get every toy out and play with them for a bit then just leave it out. I do need a preChristmas sort out.

If I tell her not to get them out or only get them out one at a time she ignores me and does it anyway.

She's sat on the floor singing to herself, she doesn't seem to care she has no toys.

You are giving it far too much attention. After being told initially I would have bagged it all up, and have done a few times over the years. They learn. But I wouldn't keep giving this attention and she has to earn them back. You have the control not her.

You need to ignore and wait it out. She will get the urge to play with a toy then remember that you've thrown them away. If singing and laughing brings attention then that's what she'll continue doing.

You need to deescalate and start again tomorrow.

Ask 'pick up 3 toys.' Make it easy for you to BOTH be successful. She is 36 months old.

I am ignoring her, I am sat on the sofa on my phone. She is just laughing and singing to herself.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but could your DD possibly feel she gets more of your attention when she is being naughty? It seems strange for her to actually say she likes being naughty. Try ignoring bad behaviour, praise the good, and give her lots of attention when she is behaving.
I would certainly limit her toys - locked box/cupboard. One goes away before another comes out.

OhioOhioOhio She's closer to 4 than 3

I've always ignored bad behaviour. Usually it's a timeout. But she hates timeout and gets off so I just put her back without talking to her. But I do have to put her back a lot.

Hmm. Have you ever had toy boundaries? Mine had to store toys in their bedrooms and were only allowed two downstairs each at a time. 6pm before bath was tidy up time and after bath was story time and quiet time. That's not to say they didn't create merry hell.

She sounds extremely stubborn and you want to avoid this escalating as I doubt she will "back down" and then what.

I thik that pretending to throw all her toys away is a bit strong tbh.

I think I owuld have said I'm putting them all away here (where you can;t get them) or giving them to granny and saying you can have (= here and if you put them away you can have some more back etc.

Some PP assume she will know you have not really chucked them> there is no way of knowign this none of us know the child.

I agree with PP you need to de-escalate and start again.

I've tried limiting toys and she just ignores it, if I enforce it she just gets all her toys out. She always refuses to put them away.

We don't think she's NT, but can't be assessed until she's 4. So not sure even this will work.

She's currently staring at the blank TV pulling face, me ignoring her is not helping or making her see it as a punishment at all...

You've got your mum on boars with this, and I would really stick to my guns here. It's not the toys, it's the rest of it. Good luck OP!

But you need to put them somewhere she can;t get them out at your place or at your mums it sounds like she wouldn't mind.

I don't thikn "ignoring" a little child is on either really.

You both sound stubborn and are getting at liggerheads. She is only little thouhg

Take a step back and think again about how to deal is my advice.

If she has such a lot of toys, could your mum keep some at her house, and then you can change them over every few weeks.

Take a step back and think again about how to deal is my advice.

That's why I'm asking on here, I literally do not know how to deal with her anymore.

If she has such a lot of toys, could your mum keep some at her house, and then you can change them over every few weeks.

I need to have a sort out of her toys anyway but I can send to my mums. We're there 2x a week anyway so if they never got swapped over then it wouldn't matter as she'd still get plenty of play out of them

Let's hope your mum has enough space. I have a marble run in the spare bedroom; the owner is 22!

OP may I suggest reading 1,2,3 magic, there are some brilliant suggestions in there for how to deal with strong willed children which gives you strategies for dealing with bad behaviour whilst encouraging good behaviour. (It is particularly effective with children with SN)

Siunds like she is getting too much attention for being naughty. Being naughty can be fun.

She's three!

Far too harsh, and turning it into a battle (or, as it sounds like it's becoming, all-out war) of wills isn't going to do anything for either of you.

Go and collect the toys from your mother's. take them out of the bags and explain you didn't really throw them away, but you were so angry with her for not tidying up that you wanted to, but you knew that wouldn't have been fair. Now you are going to do it together. Give her one at a time and tell her to put it 'where it lives' (or direct her to that place if she doesn't know). When all is done, explain that toys need to be tidied up otherwise they get lost, or stepped on, or people trip over them and hurt themselves, and that she can't (insert nice thing that happens after toy-tidying) until they're done, because we can't (do nice thing) when there's still a dangerous mess.

I'd stop using emotionalising language like 'naughty' (hate the word anyway), as quite clearly she is attempting to rise to the challenge.

At this age I rotated toys a) to reduce boredom from toys and b) to reduce the risk of an almighty mess.

I think you went too far with throwing them out. Very strange that your dd didn’t get upset. I agree with the sticker chart idea. Worked well with dd.

Not necessarily strange that she didn't get upset -

I was a strong willed child and I won't put here what i would have thought!

No-one knows her. My posts are coming from POV of being a strong willed child and if she is that way, this will escalate and she won't back down and then OP will be in a real spot. IF that's how she is. i don't know her.

I also think bagging them up and puttign them out for the rubbish collection was too much.

Some posters assume DD will know it wasn't real - that is not necessarily the case at all.