Not sure if I’ve gone too far with punishing DD

[ToysToysAreGone]

DD aged 3. Has been refusing to put her toys away all weekend. I’ve tried bribing her with homemade chocolate brownies she said no, I’ve tried timing her and having a competition with her – she sat on the sofa and watched me put them away, I took her TV and tablet time away until she put them away, she sat on the sofa all afternoon saying she didn’t care. I even said I’d tell Father Christmas and he wouldn’t bring anymore toys until she put them away, she said she doesn’t care.

This afternoon we’ve got back from my mums, where she happily put her toys away so I know she can do it, and she’s got the rest of her toys out so literally every toy she owned was on my living room floor – we live in a small flat so I couldn’t move for toys.

So I’ve got a black binbag and filled it with all her toys, and won’t switch the TV on now. She’s sat in the middle of the living room shouting “I love being naughty” and laughing. I will allow her to have her favourite cuddly toy back at bedtime but otherwise she’s not having them back.

She thinks they’re in the bin as I took her down to the green wheeled bins and put the black bags in – they were collected yesterday, and I had my mum come and collect the bags and take them back to hers (favourite toy was taken from the bag and is hidden in my wardrobe which she can’t open).

Give me strength? It’s not 4.06pm, she goes to bed at 7pm although I think an early night might be in order.

Have I gone too far? And if so how do I make it right? It’s not even as if she cares that her toys are gone. She’s literally sat on the floor laughing.

Yes to seem to be opening a negotiation process with an adult rather than a 3 year old, one that may not even according to you be NT

Stop - the easiest first step is to do together, her watching and maybe doing one or two bits

Stop the battle of wills it sounds soul destroying

I think you've dig yourself a bit of a hole there.

I would just get her used to seeing toys being tidied away at the end of the day or whenever. Try to involve her but mainly just model the behaviour.

Turn it round and give her an incentive to put them away. Let her choose how many she does.

Buy a load of ping pong balls (you can decorate them together as an activity if you wish) and get a big plastic jar. She can put a ping pong ball in the jar for every toy she puts away. Make a big fuss of her doing this. When the jar is full she gets a treat/reward.

Some kids know what buttons to push from a very young age. Punishment doesn't always work with these kids, my son was similar. He would only finish his meals or do things if we told him not to then looked away He's a teenager now and never changed.

I think you did the right thing, but good call on Gamerchick for noting it might be that she’s just like you!

I’d put them all with nanny and wait it out. At least you have a flat you can move about in, and if she’s not bothered then you can give them back on Christmas Day

Oh how frustrating. I think you're doing great.

Mine are older and still shit at tidying. I have realised though that a blanket 'tidy up' is too big a task and can overwhelm them, and I've found that it never gets a good response. On the other hand, if I say ' pick up 10 things' or 20 things, they just do it. Way easier except when DD tries to count the top trumps as individual items and less stressful! It also gives them room to negotiate - if I say 20, sometimes they can get me down to 15. Except now I start at 25

I agree that you've made a mountain out of a mole hill. She's very little still and there are years ahead where you can deal with this. I think the suggestion of just doing it yourself but drawing her in by asking her to pass you things is probably the way to go, especially if she's not NT. It may be that the whole thing is just too big for her to cope with - putting ALL of them away - so asking for aspecific thing while you model the desired action makes it more manageable for her.

I once worked with a little boy who couldn't cope with colouring in (he wasn't NT) and just scribbled with no attempt to stay inside the lines. I chose the tiniest bit of the picture and asked him to colour that tiny bit in. He did it beautifully! From there we very slowly progressed to bigger and bigger bits of the pictures, it took months but eventually he felt OK about colouring in. Sometimes you just have to break things down into tiny tiny steps. And be very patient..

Good luck.

I’d say you’re expecting way too much from a 3yr old. If I just told my 3yr old ‘tidy up’ he wouldn’t, either would my eldest at that age, I think it’s more about them being involved in taking responsibility at that age to build that habit rather than expecting them to pick up everything after themselves. What I did find worked was to set specific tasks ‘can you pick up all the cars/red blocks/toy food?’ Then move onto something else after. My eldest is about to turn 5 and tidied up unprompted now because it’s part of our daily routine (probably helps that we tidy up before tv/tablets go on in the evening) but until recently he’d have been overwhelmed by just being told to toy up without some prompting about where to start.

Update I've found what works, it took a few days.

She likes to watch TV while she plays, so she has to put 5 toys away or the TV stays off. And it works, she usually puts 6-7 away.

I've also got a designated area marked out in the living room, the toys can be messy in that area but need to be tidied away in the rest of the living room.

She also likes to have the chance to put things back where they belong for certain things, so all the furniture needs to go back in her dolls house before she'll put anything else away.

So happy my living room is tidy again.

Now to teach her to leave the Christmas Tree alone...

Oh' well done!

That's a brilliant update. Well done to you both. Top parenting, you both get to win.

Nicely! Was this a moment of checking your own memory for "what worked when I was like this..." by any chance?

Agree with @AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight

I would drop the attempts at 'disciplining' a child so young (and at all...)

And re. Rewards -I recommend Alfie Kohn's book on why the whole reward / punishment system of trying to 'control' behaviour doesn't actually work www.amazon.co.uk/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816