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Original poster

DD assaulted in primary school

81 replies

UpsetAngryFurious · 18/11/2018 02:07

Yesterday DD's headteacher called me in because a boy in her class had stuck his hand down her trousers (witnessed by other children. I was told that on further questioning my DD reported that it wasn't the first time. She's said that it's been happening almost daily but she was too scared to tell and didn't want to get in trouble. Obviously I'm devastated for her but I'm also angry. Has someone who's been in a similar position got any advice of steps to take? Thanks

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 18/11/2018 19:21

So what do you suggest?

TeenTimesTwo · 18/11/2018 19:33

Nothing I think all children should be taught to say no if someone adult or child is doing something to them that they instinctively don't like. When my DD2 was 3 she had a bigger friend who liked to pick her up - we taught her to say no to that.

Of course the OP's DD shouldn't have been in a position where she needed to say no, but going forward, teaching all children that they have the right to say No is surely a good thing?

Police and Ofsted are not appropriate at this point. The school and Social Services (for the boy) are. The OP's duty is to her child and to ensure her child is safe. If the school can't satisfy her that her child will be safe in school then obviously she will need to do something. But at the moment there is no reason to believe that the school isn't going to take swift and comprehensive action.

Imissgmichael · 18/11/2018 19:39

Exclude the boy.

Look my daughter suffered racism within a week of starting school. I had the usual it not the other child’s fault it’s her upbringing so my child’s should should suck it up. Nope not my problem . I threatened the school with legal action and strangely enough they sorted it out. The girls are good friends now but theirs no way I’m not going to put my daughter first because teachers don’t care.

Imissgmichael · 18/11/2018 19:47

If a child is a threat to others they should be excluded.

TeenTimesTwo · 18/11/2018 19:53

Well OP, you have been given varying advice on this thread.

You now need to weigh it up, think what is important to you and go and calmly talk to the school. If necessary keep your DD at home until school has put together an action plan to keep your DD (and the other children) safe that you agree with.

You need to decide whether the only acceptable thing is for the boy to be excluded (and I still think that you may will be disappointed in that aim), or whether you feel the school can put actions in place to minimise the risk sufficiently and empower your DD to speak/act if needed.

TeenTimesTwo · 18/11/2018 19:56

Imiss So you exclude the boy, and then what happens to him? Or are you writing him off age 6?

There are ways that the DD, the boy, and the rest of the class can all have their needs and safety looked after, that is what the school and SS should be searching for.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/11/2018 19:58

nicknack who are you asking that question to.

I meant that it wasn;t your post that I was referring to. If it was to me.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/11/2018 20:01

Teen I'm not saying don't bother

I'm saying that it's often not going to work

And that needs to be taken into account

When girls women are sexually assaulted / abused it is often asked "why didn't you say anything"
It's well known that women/girls often don't - so teach them to assertively state boundaries etc that's great, but at the same time there needs to be an understanding that not al girls will be able to do this esp at 6 and also there needs to be a related conversation about consent and so on which I assume happens with "pants" (not that familiar with it)

ASauvignonADay · 18/11/2018 20:04

Give the opportunity to sort it out? Dear god. Nope no way. Your telling a girl to put up with sexual assault and making the boy the victim.
No one is saying that?

The school has a responsibility to safeguard every child. They are 6 years old. They are not going to just "kick him out" - that is simply making it someone else's problem.
Why the assumption the school isn't going to manage the situation properly?
At no point is that anyone saying the girl should put up with sexual assault.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/11/2018 20:05

There are cases where girls who have been raped are forced to contuinue sharign a class with their rapist and if they don't like it they can leave.

I thikn there needs to be a consideration here of the impact on the victim -

Reporting sex offences and seeing essentially nothing happen is not a great message.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/11/2018 20:05

The girl HAS put up with sexual assault for months.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 18/11/2018 20:10

There needs to be proper approach with both the ?issues the boy has investigated and handled appropriately

But with an understanding that the girl has been a victim of multiple sex assaults and as she's on the receiving end, the age of the person who attacked her is less relevant. When someone keeps putting their hand down your knickers in a place where you are supposed to be safe, then does it make any differenc to you whether they are 6 or 12 or 20? If you get my gist.

The age of the boy must be taken into account in how dealing with him is handled, and the fact that he may be abused himself to trigger this behaviour

But from the perspective of the victim his age is irrelevant and so she must be handled with as much care as if someone older had done it

ASauvignonADay · 18/11/2018 20:13

Yeah, I agree. The victim should be central.

My point was just it's ridiculous to instantly jump to "call the police and ofsted"!

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/11/2018 20:15

SummerGems
Can we not start demonising a six year old as an abuser? There is a chance this child is a victim himself.

Yet he is abusing another child. To say so isn't demonising him it is stating a fact.

Yes he needs help, but the other children need protecting from him.

PieintheSky2 · 18/11/2018 20:29

Exclusions are totally inappropriate for primary school children. Ask any psychiatrist or psychologist. Especially at 6.

The school need to safeguard OP’s daughter and get to the bottom of why the perpetrator did this - and he needs 1:1 supervision. Excluding him is awful - especially if he might be abused himself. He is six. Six. Something has gone wrong with parental teaching

ASauvignonADay · 18/11/2018 20:29

(Just to add to last post - I mean in response to not feeling the school is acting. I'm secondary - no experience of primary and suspect procedures differ due to age - and we would probably report to police directly if this happened in our setting)

RebelWitchFace · 18/11/2018 20:39

It's funny how responses change over time. A few years ago I had a similar thread about DD. In all fairness it was a massive raging rant trying to make sense of it. Most of the replies were that he's little,kids are curious,surely there's no malice, can't call it assault bla bla bla. A few voices mentioned concerns over the boy, but I was mostly a horrible person for being so angry at him.
Talked to the teacher and HT. They had a chat with DD "allowing" her to speak out at any time(she never said anything when it happened because they were supposed to be quiet). No idea what they did for the boy besides talking to him and the parents. Whatever they did,it worked..it never happened again, DD actually found strength in the fact that I had her back and so did the grownups at school and eventually got over it. They're still classmates and while she rarely mentions him,it's in a positive way.

ASauvignonADay · 18/11/2018 21:29

I think the profile of peer on peer abuse has been raised a lot in recent years - thankfully. It's still a complex issue and not something schools deal with that often. But, so important that it's 'got right'.

Koalablue · 19/11/2018 02:43

This happened at my dd school. The school contacted the police who raided the parents home and also the home oh the gp's who lived next door. Full on ss investigation to make sure the boy wasnt being abused or shown porn. Mum forbid her dd from being in same class as the boy. Im not in the UK.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 21/11/2018 19:22

I saw this on the BBC today and it made me think of this thread

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-46263401

I think it's naive to believe schools will all be able and willing to deal with this as well as each other. There are thousands of schools in the UK.

OP your first priority must be your DD and making sure that she is not overlooked - that actions are taken that demonstrate to her that it's taken seriosuly, that it will never happen again, that she can feel safe etc.

JamesBlonde1 · 21/11/2018 19:26

I was about to link that as well Nothing. Get thee to a lawyer OP

NothingOnTellyAgain · 21/11/2018 19:36

I dont' thikn it's lawyer time but I do thikn all the posters saying "leave it to the school they will know what to do and will deal with it" are beign a bit optimistic

OP needs to be told what they are doing and reassured etc her daughter needs protection and also to see that action was taken > she has been repeatedly sexaully assaulted and from her perspective the age of the assailant is immateral.

Original poster
UpsetAngryFurious · 21/11/2018 20:39

Thanks again to everyone, I heard that story on the radio today and felt sick. So sorry for the little girl and her family but so grateful that while DD has been assaulted, thankfully she was not left injured by it (Not wanting to minimise but it sounds like this little girl in the press has suffered a lot more iyswim).
We met with the headteacher on Monday. It sounds like all relevant people had been informed, a section something or other had been started/done. For DD, assurances have been given that the boy involved will be supervised 1:1 for breaks and lunchtime, also accompanied to the toilet. She won't be working with him in group situations and they'll ensure that during free choice time in class they will not be in the same part of the classroom. It doesnt sound like they can do much more in fairness to the school. I guess they're pretty limited from what PP's have said so we'll have to be happy with that and just keep supporting DD.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 21/11/2018 20:54

I would suggest you check in with the school after a week or so to discuss how their plans are going and having asked your DD how she feels.
Also you could request/insist that they don't drop back their supervision without letting you know in advance.

MsTSwift · 21/11/2018 21:39

I would sue everyone. Focus their minds. That includes the boys parents.

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