If you earn a lot of money...

[MissMalice]

What do you do and when do you spend time with your children?

I’ve been a SAHM for a long time and have always felt like being at home is more important than having a lot of money/nice house etc.

But I’m starting to feel like the balance we’ve got is a bit wrong. They get a lot of my time but I feel like I’m regularly having to say “sorry we can’t afford that, or that, or that”. My fear is that if both DH & I work full time, they’ll hardly see us and we’ll be too tired/stressed after long working weeks to pay proper attention to them.

So if you are a high income household, do (and your OH if you have one) both work full time? When do you spend quality time with your children? Does it feel like enough? Are you constantly chasing your tail? Does having a nice home make up for some of the stress?

I work full time as does DH. Both above average income.
I chose a job that allows flexible working & working from home. For me this balance works well. It is a stressful job, but I have learnt to compartmentalise it.

The kids are in wrap around childcare, but most of the time I drop them off at 8:30 and collect around 4, so they are never in there too long. Once or twice a week I'll work late, as my job often includes evening workshops or meetings. This makes up the flexi so I can have shorter days the rest of the week. I'm also entitled to 2 flexi days a month. I don't miss many school events.

I organise my life so I'm not chasing my tail. I employ a cleaner, I do the household admin in my lunch so when I spend time with my kids it's quality time.

I don't feel like they are missing out on much. We do Friday night family movie night, go swimming Saturday morning, junior parkrun on a Sunday and out for breakfast afterwards as a family. Once a month we spend an afternoon one to one with each child and we are in a financial position to be able to take them to a film/concert/exhibition/theatre and out for lunch/dinner or shopping. Which is lovely.

Our home is a sanctuary and we all love coming home. I can't describe it, it does compensate for the stress and I really appreciate it.

That sounds so lovely. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Do you feel like there are any/many downsides to your set up? It’s sounds like you’ve got the perfect balance to me

I'm a SAHM and my DH is a banker earning good money. No way I'd get a job - DD needs to be around at least one of her parents! DH works long hours and sees DD only briefly in the mornings and on the weekends (when he's not exhausted and sleeping off the weeks work).

Both my parents worked full time and I hated it. I was in full time nursery from 6 months then had wrap-around childcare at school till I was old enough to walk to/from school and sort myself out. My parents were never able to attend concerts or assemblies or sports days because they worked. Sad.

Yes that’s what I don’t want, her. Single mum, worked all the time, was never there. Of course she didn’t have a choice but I do like being able to go to things at school and don’t want to give that up. Determined to find a balance though as DH doesn’t earn enough to give us a good life on his wage alone.

Downsides:

-We have to be very organised.
-Illness - kids aren't often ill so I don't get a call home very often. When I do it's invariably the worst possible time at work.

• I sometimes have to put in an hour or two working in the evening or weekends
• I don't get to go to everything little thing at school, so reading afternoons etc. But I make about 90% of events.

Upsides:

• I get to continue in a career I love.
• we can afford to help the kids with any extra music/sports clubs they want. If they struggle I can afford extra tuition.
• financial security. Worst case scenario, we can afford to live on one income.
• we can both afford to retire at 55 (if we want to).

-we can help the kids with house deposits should they need it.

What qualifies as high income?

Interested as my first child is due in February and not sure how we will do things.

DH and I currently work full time. I earn £47k. He earns £40k (he does have two children from a a previous relationship and pays of his income 20% in CSM). He has YSS EOW and sees OSS less often.

For our child I don’t know what we’ll do. I plan to take a year off and then work close to full time. Maybe 80% hours / 4 full days.

DH has often said one of us needs to give up work as no point having a child just for someone else to look after it.

Ideally if we both worked four days, we’d have 3 days to sort childcare, which would most likely be my mother and / or nursery. So we would each be with child three full days and then evenings from about 6pm for four days...

The other thing is we are due to move. House we are in now is very cheap to live in. It’s lovely and we’ve done it all up since I moved in but it’s only two bedroom which isn’t ideal when DH already has two children and we have one on the way.

In this house we could manage one one salary but would obviously be less “comfortable” than we are now.

We are in the midst of a move which will hopefully happen in December / January and our mortgage etc will be bigger so not sure if one of us giving up work is even a possibility in that house really (although it’s not a massive mortgage)

I cannot help but think being at home with your child is preferably if you can do it but then I would want to be “comfortable” and be able to do things together etc. Having said that, it may be that you sacrifice for a few years until child is in school full time.

I feel like we have a good balance but it’s as much luck as anything else. My husband is a pretty high earner but doesn’t do crazy hours- home by 6ish most nights, can drop kids off 3 mornings a week and does a day wah every week. He traded earning a higher salary for this flexibility.

I work pt 3 days a week in a job I enjoy and get a decent but not super high salary (£45k pro rated to £27). We have a cleaner and my mum has the kids a day a week.

Feels like we both have plenty of time for our kids but also our own lives outside the home. We’re lucky really: DH is highly skilled and could earn more but more money isn’t important to me. We have enough for holidays and occasional luxuries. Enough not to have to think or worry about money to often.

We're in a similar position to maureen - both work full-time in pretty stressful jobs with a fair amount of travel.

However, we are lucky that we both have employers that allow us to work flexibly. I work from home a couple of times a week and although we have to use wraparound childcare between 8am and 5pm it is always one of us who drops off and picks up depending on who is at home. We don't have any family support so we have to juggle it between us. DH does his fair share and we work well as a team.

I don't miss many school events - if I want to go to something I can start work earlier or make up the hours in the evening. I am trusted to get the job done and not measured on the hours I work. I do realise that I'm very lucky and that often this comes with seniority within the organisation and the type of job I do.

Weekends are very much family time - sport, days out, weekends away or just chilling at home. We are a really close unit and make the most of weekends and holidays to spend quality time together. I do have a cleaner on a Friday so that I don't have to worry about that and we accept that during the week not much housework gets done aside from cooking and laundry.

The one thing we don't have is much time for individual hobbies or nights out. We rarely have a babysitter so tend to be at home in the evenings and, to be honest, we're generally content with a bottle of wine in front of a film. We have friends but don't often go out without DC. Similarly it's hard to commit to a regular class or group as our hours change each week.

DP earns very good money and we're comfortable, so I don't need to work and DD has mild SN and needs me around. If I worked we'd have a lot of spare money, but I guess it's about weighing things up. I would rather have a little less money and have more time. That said, we do have enough to do things together at the weekends and if we didn't, I'd get a part time job.

I work 3 days a week over 5 days so I can do all pick ups and drop offs as mine after school age now. My dh works very long hours including weekend and travels. It sounds as though you are ready to do something part time if you can find the right thing?

We have both worked full time but it was nightmarish as my dh’s job just never had any flexibility.

Kids are only little for a short time, but they are our children for th rest of our lives and they always need us, and yes that can be financial.

My husband and I are both high earners, our daughter went to child care. She doesn't feel she missed out, because she hardly remembers pre school, she was with us every morning and evening and we always worked it so one of us was there. We never once left her with a baby sitter though, she always came with us, or we didn't go. We also ensured one of us was always there at whatever school thing she had, we never missed one. We just planned it. I guess that was our pay off. We are a close family unit. She's 21 now.

My career took off, and yes being able to go on lovely holidays, she's travelled the world, have a nice house, not worry about money, be able to support her in university, pay for her schooling, pay for her further vocational training, is a huge benefit, kids are in school anyway, so what did she miss, a couple of hours a day, being home in school holidays? None of that woild have been feasible if I'd given up.

In addition neither my husband or I are the type to want to stay home. So she has two happy fulfilled parents who don't resent what they do.

Was it stressful? Sure, sometimes we had clashing work commitments and had to negotiate, but not often, and ultimately whatever your choice it has its stress points.

I’d love to know what people consider a ‘good’ income? And how much one partner would need to earn for the other to feel comfortable staying at home.

I think socially there is a threshold at which it’s ‘fine’ to have one person working - but I don’t know what it is. I’m guessing different between London and rest of the UK.

If I had to guess I’d say
London- £85k+
Elsewhere- £65k+

??

Oh and I intend to work 2-3 days per week after we have our first.

Then cut down to 2 after our second but go back to full time once they are in full time school. I have a very flexible work place so able to work from home whenever I like and leave early/extend lunch break...etc.
If my job was any less flexible I probably would work PT or not at all until they were teens. I think kids need their parents and my DP’s career can’t be flexible

Me and DH run a Consultancy
I get the contracts and do all the admin stuff but also have a few clients of my own as well.
DH tends to be on client sites all the time but he can pick and choose what he does and if necessary work from home ( which he does every Friday). If I need to be out all day I do it on a Friday or arrange meetings during school hours and then do most of my work from home.
We are very lucky that we have a really good work/home balance and I’ve never missed a school thing ( unless I wanted to)
It only works because there are 2 of us. If DH didn’t earn most of the money I would have to work more hours or less flexibly but I free him up to focus purely on billeable hours

I earn mid six figures. DH stays at home.

I had a career break when my DC were little and went back to work when they were in school. I feel really fortunate I was able to do that.

I have a lot of support at home from DH so don't feel like I'm chasing my tail and now the DC are at school I don't feel I'm missing out on time with them, it might have been different if they were at home. And of course we had a period where both DH and I were earning - I didn't walk straight into a high earning job and when we both worked it was tough.

I love having a nice house, it's a real sanctuary for me and I think I'd really struggle if we didn't have that.

My dh is a High earner, but I work 9.30-5.30 term time only. It works for us. I don’t really need to work, but I get bored easily, and hated being a sahm. I’ve always worked since the age of 16, so found it difficult to not work.
It’s all relative to everyone’s personal choice.

My dds go to ASC which runs until 6pm. Dh picks them up normally, but if he’s away on business it’s up to me. He will spend lots of time with dds at the weekend, and we both get a lie. I take dds to school. It works for us.

We both work full time (though not high earners but we are on progressive career paths) my justifications: it's quality not quantity, if I stayed at home all the time I would be miserable and not much fun to be around! We can afford days out, holidays etc so when we are all together the time is special.

I work flexi so I have never missed a sports day, parents meeting, Xmas play etc. We have breakfast together now and I take them to school.

I'm not stressed out or frazzled at home, the opposite in fact. I enjoy my job. I don't have to do much housework as we are out the house (did have a cleaner for a while, they retired and need to find another) I don't have to cook dinner as they eat at after school club, so the 2 hours we have together in the evening is just catching up, not me frantically cooking, cleaning etc etc. We have a pretty chilled out home life tbh.

And the way I see it is I'm setting a great example to them, studies have shown working mums raise ambitious daughters who earn more and sons who are more independent (as they aren't waited on hand and foot- it was a bbc article, obviously it can't be applied to all children!) but more importantly I want them to know they can chase their dreams, no ambition too high and to go for it. We've both found our dream careers post children.

I had full time working parents and I have no bad memories. Only admiration for my parents and this the reason I am so driven myself.

That said I believe every family functions differently and there is no right or wrong, I know my life wouldn't suit some parents/children and SAHM is not for me. I wouldn't ever presume to say every child needs the same thing.

DH works full time (8am until 7pm) for £50k, I work 3 days (7am until 5pm) for £47k pro rata. Not what I would call high earners, but we couldn’t afford to live on less. I’m term time only and drop 2 year old DS off at a childminder at 7:30am and collect at 4:30pm. I think he gets a nice balance of time with me but doesn’t see DH as much due to his later days.

We are comfortable, but not flash. Save a little each month but not as much as we should.

I have a good income but it could have been higher. So middle ground really.

I worked 9 to 1 when they were babies. Not that much better off due to childcare costs. Then 9 to 3 when they were at school.

I wish i could have spent more time with them as pre schoolers but the school time working worked well and Im now in a more senior position because of it, I feel.

DH and I both work part time, which feels perfect to me - together we make one decent salary. I couldn't be a SAHM, it's just not for me. I find it can be more stressful and tiring be

I think parents overestimate hom much their children actually benefit from spending time with them. Both my parents worked full time. It was nice when my father retired in my late teens but didn’t have a massive impact on my life. Likewise I never really cared whether my parents could pick me up from school or attend concerts etc. When they are toddlers and emotionallyvery dependant that’s one thing but I don’t think it’s an issue once they are school aged. I’ve just gone bank to university with the intention of going into work full time and hiring a nanny when the youngest starts school.

How old are your kids? If they are both in school could you just work part time for a balance? I work a 4 day week and my husband full time. We both have some flexibility with our hours. Laughing at the 'above average' suggestion for a wage outside of london as 65 k plus. Id say 35 plus is easily above average/high earning. We earn less than that and manage to have a lovely home/car/hols/trips/treats etc. Did you work in a particular profession or industry pre kids? Even 2 or 3 days work a week would afford you some extras if you feel your family are missing out.

We both used to work full time and had a joint income of 82k when we just had DS1. We didn't really do anything together or with DS. The stress of it all nearly ended our marriage. DS1 was in childcare from 9 months, then wraparound care when he started school. It was a nightmare if he was ill. We both struggled to get time off work. DH wouldn't help round the house, was unsociable, didn't want to go out at the weekends as he felt he needed that time to relax before the week ahead. I was dreading how we would cope when I went back to work after DS2.

As it was, DH admitted how unhappy he was at work and how he dreaded it. We decided he would give up to be a SAHD when I went back to work full time after mat leave (I mostly enjoy my job and have greater earning potential). I can honestly say that even though we lost close to half our income, we have never been happier or closer as a family. We do much more together now than we ever did when we both worked full time. We have enough to cover both DC doing stuff like swimming and football, but not much else spare. I shifted my work hours to do 8-4 with a shorter lunch and for the most part I am out of the office by 4.30, which isn't too bad. It gives me a bit of an evening with the DC. Weekends there are football matches (DH now coaches a kids team) and swimming lessons and then we go to the park or meet up with friends. We don't spend much on entertainment - one of us takes DS1 to the cinema maybe once a year (I get cheap tickets through work). I'm lucky that my work are flexible about work/life balance so I've always been able to attend school plays etc. I can also work from home whenever I want (usually once a week), so I can take DS1 to school and collect him those days.

FWIW, DS1 much prefers having one of us around all the time than having the money to do lots of fun stuff. Having been in both situations, I wouldn't go back to us both working full time and neither would DH. Like a PP said, we all love coming home.

I'm very fortunate in that I work full time but have a very flexible job and a 5-minute commute. DH works too, and travels quite a lot, though I actually earn several times a much as he does!

I don't need to work loads of overtime, despite having a very generous salary and ample annual leave. I'm extremely focused in the time that I'm in work though - it would be very easy to do extra hours if I wasn't like a machine when I'm there! I'm a firm believer in the notion that work expands to fit the time available.

When dd was little, we had a nanny in the mornings and then I'd be at home until DH took over in the evening, and I'd do the rest of my working day while dd was asleep. It meant I had plenty of time with her throughout the week without having to reduce my hours. I'll admit it was a long working day though, as I often didn't finish till 10/11pm.

When dd was at primary school, I did the morning school run every day and picked up after school once a week. DH picked up a couple of days and my parents did a couple too - it felt like a very nice balance.

These days, dd is at secondary. I'm almost always at home in the morning when she leaves at 8am, so I leave for work just after she goes out. I'm able to give her a lift if she is running late or has a lot to carry. She then goes to her grandparents a couple of nights after school (they feed her and then take her to her hobby) and I work considerably later on those days as I wouldn't see much of her anyway. I then pick her up from said activity when she is done.

The rest of the week, I either pick her up at 4.30/5ish from an after school activity if she has one, or she walks home and I get home around half an hour to an hour after she does. She's usually doing homework in that time anyway.

Honestly speaking, I feel like we have loads of time together. We hang out together in the evenings and at weekends, and we get on very well. I'd say that we're very close, and she is great company now that she is a teenager - though she is spending an increasing amount of time with her friends now as well, so sometimes I get pushed aside. We both have less time with my DH, but that's because he is always travelling. DD has an amazing relationship with my parents, too - we have been very lucky to have their help and support over the years.

I feel lucky to have maintained my own world and my own identity in the workplace, with opportunities to achieve and progress as an individual. DD is interested in hearing about my day, just as I like to hear about hers. I'll be honest, the money really helps too. I love being able to take our family on nice holidays and saying yes to the stuff that dd wants to do, giving her some of the opportunities that I never had. She has expensive hobbies and a couple of her friends have recently had to quit due to the cost. I'm happy that my income means that she has not been in that position, and I don't really feel that I have had to sacrifice much for it.

I know that I'm in a very fortunate position in that few people are lucky enough to have such flexible roles with the kind of salary I'm on. I'm lucky that I have no commute, but that was by design as we bought our current house when I got this job. And I'm very lucky that my parents moved across the country to be near us as life would have been so much more difficult without their help and support.

Oh, you asked about stress, too. My job is quite demanding, I suppose, in that I have a lot of responsibility and often have to deal with challenging situations, but I'm quite resilient and I've learnt to manage it over the years so that I don't really bring the stress home with me.

I also juggle some voluntary commitments outside work and squeezed in a master's degree a few years ago. However, I volunteer at times when dd has commitments anyway, so it doesn't eat into the time I have with her.