If you earn a lot of money...

[MissMalice]

What do you do and when do you spend time with your children?

I’ve been a SAHM for a long time and have always felt like being at home is more important than having a lot of money/nice house etc.

But I’m starting to feel like the balance we’ve got is a bit wrong. They get a lot of my time but I feel like I’m regularly having to say “sorry we can’t afford that, or that, or that”. My fear is that if both DH & I work full time, they’ll hardly see us and we’ll be too tired/stressed after long working weeks to pay proper attention to them.

So if you are a high income household, do (and your OH if you have one) both work full time? When do you spend quality time with your children? Does it feel like enough? Are you constantly chasing your tail? Does having a nice home make up for some of the stress?

Really interesting question.

Dh and I could lead a fairly well to do life. The kids are at private school but other than that our budget is fairly tight as we are choosing to reinvest in our business rather than spend it on holidays etc. I work part time.

We eat out about 6 times a year with vouchers only. Days out are cheap or free. Museums, local pool etc. V v rarely do the kids get magazines etc. In fact if they do they've done "jobs" to "earn" to pay for it. I say "" as they are 6 and 4 so don't exactly work but the 6 year old has clicked that if he helps Hoover the house he'll get a pound. Do that 4 times and he gets
A mag.

Anyway, I've just been doing our annual calendars of the grandchildren for the grandparents. For every month I have a wonderful pic of them doing stuff like hanging out of a tree, drawing in our caravan, dressed up at the local history day as a knight. The pure unadulterated joy in their faces is just lovely to see and all those things were free or cheap.

I don't want my child to get used to regular meals out - I don't think it's healthy for either the wallet or the body. They were a treat when I was a child and I want them to be special for our kids.

Why don’t you work part time?

What jobs do you all do ? Only interested as I’m looking fir a career change that will enable me to earn more but be there for the kids .

I’m a solo Mum and work full-time (plus I have a side-hustle). I have my daughter 4 nights a week. I only worked part-time when my daughter was under 5 and it’s taken me 3 years since my marriage ended to get to a point where I feel reasonably comfortable income wise. I earn about 48k all up (including my second job & child-support).

Things that make a big difference are having a job and at a Manager level in a sector that allows for Flexi-working. This means that I can take my DD swimming once a week. My DM also picks her up once a week and takes her to ballet.

Her school is very close to my work meaning I can drop her off on the way there. School also is very good at lots of advance notice for assembly etc and these are limited to once a term (the ones parents are invited too).

I’m reasonably organised at home and use the nights I don’t have my DD to catch up on work as needed. I’m also on a board so I do that work then.

No cleaner though, but I’d love someone to look after my garden.

I think it’s hard for both parents to work if one continues to behave as if there is still a SAH-parent. It’s an adjustment to suddenly having to share house work, childcare and general life admin.

If you are still going to do all that (without being able to outsource) then that could be a stress point.

Very interesting thread.

My husband and I are both expats working as lawyers. I'm currently on mat leave but going back to work after Christmas. My DD will be 7 months old. I'm going down to 4 days and hoping to agree that I can start work earlier so I can finish earlier so I can do bath and bedtime routines when I get home. We have a nanny who has started with us already rather than use nursery and also as we have no family near us while we're living abroad.

Growing up, both of us had mums who stayed at home but this meant that there was no spare cash for treats and luxuries. I think I would've preferred a more comfortable life if I'm honest and that's what we plan to do for our daughter. In our spare time we can afford meals out, trips away, clothes and toys and anything else our daughter might need or enjoy without worrying about the bills.

I’m a teacher and am very lucky to be on £47k as I teach a shortage subject in a special measures school. The most I would get is £38k in most schools. I drop at the childminder at 7:30 and collect at 4-4:30pm, but I do 2 hours work once DS is in end every night and another 3 hours on a Sunday.

DH and I are both high earners - him more than me, but I’m still well paid. We both work full time, but at companies that encourage a good work/life balance. We can agile work if necessary, and we are both senior enough to duck out for a sport commitment or assembly etc if needed.

The kids are dropped at school for 8.30, and then are in after school care until 6 every day. It’s not massively ideal, but they adore it (and will tell us to come back later if we pick them up early!)

In terms of balance, the income we have means we can take them on good holidays and have great experiences. They went around the world before they flew on a domestic flight. We have a boat for summer and go skiing in the winter. If they need a laptop or new sports shoes for school, then we can afford them. I do worry that they aren’t truly learning the value of money so we have lots of conversations around this.

A perk of our jobs (same industry), is that we often get tickets and invitations to events that we can take them to. Think red carpet premieres of movies and shows etc. This is all quality time spent.

I’m also really keen to raise my kids to be independent. I was, and it was a really great gift. Yes I’d love to have a bit more time with them, but I’m reallt happy with the balance we have right now.

We're in the very fortunate position that I earn a very high wage whilst still working part time. When DC were little, it was very part time, 2 days, just ticking over. Then as secondary came along, I increased my hours and secured more promotion, without needing to work FT. My work is quite stressful and demanding but it is flexible. I try to spearhead the idea that part time doesn't have to mean junior and bat off pressure to go FT.
DH also earns good money working FT, less than my part time salary but enough to pay the mortgage and most monthly bills. We therefore have great disposable income & I am very grateful and happy we've managed to achieve this balance.
I'm an accountant in the city by the way, so studied hard and grafted in the office in my 20s and now can be more advisory and specialist which helps me pick and choose my hours.

My best 2 decisions, with the benefit of hindsight, were getting experience and qualifications before DC and keeping on the ladder on a small scale when DC were small.

My parents both worked FT. I never missed them. My mom's job was flexible so she could have come to the odd school event, but I can't remember any daytime school events parents were invited to. Almost everyone at my school had 2 parents working FT.

I earn far less than everyone else on this thread (phew).
We are still well above median earnings, & financially secure.
I work almost FT, DH works about 50%. He does the routine weekday school parenting. He feels strongly about being around when kids are home... it helps with teens. They only talk to you when you're there & at unpredictable moments. DH likes house management & I don't. I do lots on weekends with kids, let DH go play. I try to be super helpful in evenings to make up for absence.

Now our kids are mostly teenagers we can leave the youngest with teen siblings, while running errands or at work.

My dh works 60+ hours a week so pretty much everything to do with the dc is up to me, I also work 3 full days and 2 half days a week. I do all the school drop off, pick ups, any school activity etc but I am very lucky in I work at my dc school and because off this we are comfortable money wise. I start when they start and finish when they do and obviously I don't pay cc for school holidays
Before I got my job at the school I was a sahm as I couldn't find a job without having to pay stupid amounts in childcare.

I think it is VERY important that children learn that you have to budget and to save for things. To learn that you have a choice on whether to save or to spend or to do a bit of each (daughter saved all her birthday money, and tbh avoids spending anything other than fuel for her car, anything for her horse and her phone, I have to remind her clothes shops exist otherwise she'd live in tatty jodhpurs which aren't always appropriate). Also that things that are advertised on TV might not be the best value - they're being advertised in order to sell more...in fact we said they weren't very good which was why they had to advertise. Oh the bliss of being able to spend an hour in ToysRUs looking at stuff but not having to buy anything!

Just because other parents spend loads on their kids doesn't mean you have to., it won't make your kids any happier, I'm sure they'd rather have your time than loads of plastic tat they don't play with.

ps a lot of the best memories are free: puddle splashing, scrunching through leaves under trees, climbing hills and admiring the view, going pond or stream dipping and see what you find.

We are a high income family ( probably top 1%). We have an amazing nanny and both have flexibility so never miss a school play, sports day and work from home a bit. I grew up with financial instability so having money to go on move holidays and having choices is important to me. I also love my job. There are downsides but not
Many

We don’t spoil our kids with toys but they do get amazing life opportunities. Skiing, one to one swimming lessons, tennis. Theatre, lap land etc.
Agree that best memories are often free!!

I'm a lawyer, husband is a senior company director, he earns enough that I don't need to work for financial reasons, but I absolutely do for my own sanity.

Kids 9 and 6. I'm currently 3 days a week but will go FT as soon as I can get the childcare sorted. I tried being a SAHM and lasted about 2 years and by that time was on the edge of a mental health episode. I needed more than copious wiping, serving and wholesome child-led activities.

My mum was a SAHM then when dad lost his job got something with low pay. She did all the hard years of child-rearing full time. Our holidays were all in a tent in the UK and it was cold and rainy much of the time. I love my parents and my childhood but the whole 'best memories are free' thing is a bit bullshit to me. I want my kids to have a better time than me. And I want a better life than my mum (and be able to look after my penniless parents in their old age). So far that's working out quite well.

I agree with being able to look after elderly parents. That is a huge satisfaction of earning well.
Also the nhs is amazing but when faced with a 6 month wait for an MRI it’s nice
To be able
To bias that and get treatment fast.

Just realised I didn't mention 'quality time':

DH does school drop off every day. I do pick up on my days off (2/5) and make them tea 3/5. There is flex in this and if DH or I are travelling I pick up his role and he'll do mine or we draft in the PT nanny for extra hours or grandparents or friends or all of the above. He's senior enough to be able to say 'I'm not attending' and there is no consequence. I have a really understanding female boss with kids of her own who allows flex and trusts me because she knows she gets excellent diligent value for my 3 days a week.

We do activities at the weekend. This year we've been on 3 skiing holidays and 3 weeks worth of sun holidays (and we're skiing again for Xmas).

I'm always at school events (unless travelling) DH is the same. When one travels the other ensures we attend.

Maybe I'm a materialistic person but some of the first great memories that pop in my mind of my own childhood are the holidays, days out, treats, or that Christmas I finally got an Adidas track suit (ha) etc. Obviously they wouldn't feel the same without unconditional love and nothing replace that, but I don't think they are lost on children and are a driver for me as a parent.

My parents have barely a pot to piss in farfalla so I buy them clothes, pay for boiler repairs, a car, bailed out their jewellery from the pawn broker, paid off their idiotic spiralling credit card debt etc, bought the odd much loved holiday and all visits to me are all expenses paid (we live in different countries now). My dad needs a new knee but his fear of the op is making him refuse the money at the moment.

Yeah User! The year me and my brother both got Reebok Pump - I remember that Xmas like it was yesterday!

Some really helpful replies here - thank you.

Completely agree that teaching children to budget is important, they can’t have everything. We have had (many many) happy memory making free days out. I think perhaps we’re reaching a point where they’re ages mean a different balance would work better.

We don’t have family nearby so no grandparents to help - that would be wonderful.

Flexibility at work seems to be the biggest thing for making it work. I don’t think I’d cope very well with a DH who earned a lot but was never around (I would definitely get drawn into a game of competitive tiredness!) I have a professional qualification and can work for myself so with a bit of luck I should be able to structure my week to be around for school events and so on. I had a horrible time in after school clubs as a child so I’m reluctant to go down a route that would mean using them every day before and after school.

For those who asked about figures - it’s subjective I think. Some people are happy being frugal, some want the finer things. I think I fall in the middle somewhere. I’m just so tired of always having to say no.

Thank you again to all of you for taking the time to reply.

We both work FT but I work from home and flexibly - have never missed an assembly or school thing.
It’s great. I see loads of the kids. The extra cash means we can do things - special weekends away somewhere the kids want to go, meals out, special birthdays. I think my kids have a good childhood, they are very happy.
I wouldn’t swap it for a frugal lifestyle at home

It really depends on so much.
. I was with dc when little and it was what I wanted to do but... It wasn't easy I found it hard and isolating..now they are older I'm back at work with staggered hours. Its amazing I'm so much happier. That time at home was a huge sacrifice. Money was so scarse. But it's over now... They are far more independent.