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Original poster

Pregnant, been with boyfriend a year and he wont move in

94 replies

Winsister · 15/11/2018 06:00

Me and my boyfriend have known eachother since May 17, got together October 17 and now we're 5 and a half months pregnant.
We live a few miles away from eachother see eachother less.
I've asked him to move in with me, as I have 3 other kids and a house while he lives in a flat he hates in an area he hates, but he won't.
He doesn't have a valid reason as why not to.
He's done plenty of long distance relationships and obviously none have lasted, and I love him so much and want us to have a proper life together.
He would never cheat, but I don't know why he won't fully commit, I'm carrying his child.

OP posts:
thereallochnessmonster · 15/11/2018 09:26

Shit-scared of moving in to a ready made family and taking on three other children as well as a newborn. I assume the pregnancy was an accident, but had you discussed your plans for the future at all before now?

This ^^

You got pg very soon. Sounds like a lot of changes for your current dc to handle. Sounds like your partner is being sensible. You're still in a very new relationship. If he moves in, it doesn't work, and he moves out again, that's a lot of change again for your dc.

I'd have a good talk to your partner about where he sees the relationship going.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2018 09:28

No, I'm saying that he ought to move in and do his 50%. Which he can't do from another house.
But yes, I do think that if he is not willing to live with a family, he had no business adding to that family. He can't just brhsve as if the OP doesn't have other responsibilities - she will need his help when the baby comes.

Sirzy · 15/11/2018 09:30

But moving in isn’t always right, certainly not in a new relationship with three children already in that relationship or do their needs for stability and consistency not come into it?

Living together simply because you have a baby doesn’t always lead to a happy ever after!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2018 09:32

No, I'm saying that he ought to move in and do his 50%. Which he can't do from another house.

People who aren’t still in relationships when hey have children often manage to co parent effectively from different houses.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2018 09:46

I disagree that you can co parent a newborn from a different house.
The OP will be tired, it would help her if he can change some nappies in the night or resettle the baby after a feed. If baby is asleep, the OP could rest while he gives the other dc breakfast or does the school run.
It's really hard to look after a newborn and 3 other children and if he doesn't move in then she will be doing it all by herself, which isn't fair.

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2018 09:49

It absolutely isn’t fair on her children for her boyfriend to move in if it isn’t a serious relationship.

The other children aren’t his. He doesn’t need to be doing the school run or making breakfast for them while she’s asleep.

cheesefield · 15/11/2018 09:52

He's probably shitting himself. It's a scary prospect.

If you'd only been together 6 months when you got pregnant and you already have 3 children at home his mind if probably blown and he's possibly feeling very overwhelmed about what the future holds. I'm guessing it wasn't planned?

I'd leave it for now and give him some time to think. It you already have 3 children he might not what the added commitment of them on top of his own new baby. I think you have to look at the possibilities of co-parenting the baby without him living with you.

cheesefield · 15/11/2018 09:53

It absolutely isn’t fair on her children for her boyfriend to move in if it isn’t a serious relationship.

Agree with this.

Rachelover40 · 15/11/2018 09:57

Why on earth did you allow yourself to become pregnant so quickly?

LovingLola · 15/11/2018 10:00

It's the children who have my sympathy - the existing ones and the one on the way.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2018 10:07

I think he does need to be helping with them, while she rests. The more he does to help her, the more she will be able to give to her other dc. A new baby is a big change for them - if she has to do it all by herself, that's not good for them either.

Anyway, I think there is something wrong with a person who doesn't take the opportunity to be with their newborn as much as possible.

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2018 10:11

I think he does need to be helping with them, while she rests. The more he does to help her, the more she will be able to give to her other dc

Yes, but is it in the children’s best interests to have some random bloke who may or may not be around for the long term involved in their lives?

cheesefield · 15/11/2018 10:12

I think he does need to be helping with them, while she rests.

Shouldn't their own Dad be helping with them? As opposed to a man they hardly know?

willthedoctorchaseme · 15/11/2018 10:18

so which man is it op?

How many kids do you actually have?

What is the right way of this as there seem to be inconsistencies?

MarthasGinYard · 15/11/2018 10:26

'It's really hard to look after a newborn and 3 other children and if he doesn't move in then she will be doing it all by herself, which isn't fair.'

So Op should of thought of that prior

He doesn't have to live with her to co parent.

Still confused as to what happened to the shag 'over the road' whom she was 10 weeks pregnant with number 4....

Confusing

HarrietKettleWasHere · 15/11/2018 10:27

I thought you were with a friend with benefits? Who was abusive and tried to get rid of the baby.

How strange that you would be ok with someone like that moving into your house with your theee children.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2018 10:27

Their own dad definitely should be helping. But that should be in addition to the new baby's dad.
None of this is ideal, but on balance I think it's better for new baby's dad to be there and help, than not.

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2018 11:13

None of this is ideal, but on balance I think it's better for new baby's dad to be there and help, than not.

You’re saying that knowing nothing about either him or the op’s other children. Confused

He obviously will need to support the baby financially. Presumably he’ll be at work most of the day anyway.

lastqueenofscotland · 15/11/2018 11:37

3 children that are not yours is a huge commitment. Especially if you will be financially dependent on him

Singlenotsingle · 15/11/2018 11:45

It would be no sense for him to move in with a pregnant partner and three children who aren't his, if he doesn't want to. From single man to "acting" father of four would be almost impossible for most men unless he really wants to, and this one doesn't! Looks like you're going to be a single mother of four, OP! Can I suggest, without meaning to sound rude, that you sort out your contraception once and for all?

adaline · 15/11/2018 13:51

I think he does need to be helping with them, while she rests. The more he does to help her, the more she will be able to give to her other dc.

But he's not their dad - they've barely been together a year. Why on earth should her existing children have to be looked after by someone who's pretty much a stranger to them, because their mum decided to have a baby with him?

Her children are her responsibility, not his. He's only responsible for his child. Going from living with just mum, to mum being pregnant and her new boyfriend playing daddy is really not a good idea!

adaline · 15/11/2018 13:53

None of this is ideal, but on balance I think it's better for new baby's dad to be there and help, than not.

I completely disagree with this. OP has three older children to consider, who already have routines in place. Why should they have to put up with a complete stranger coming into their home and playing daddy to them just because their mum got pregnant to him.

Of course he can still help, but he doesn't need to live there to do that. If OP is going on maternity leave and he moves in with her, doesn't that mean he's going to be responsible for a household of six pretty much overnight?

Singlenotsingle · 15/11/2018 17:06

And anyway, as we know, just because a man moves in, it doesn't mean he's going to muck in and pull his weight. Very often he turns out to be a manchild, just another burden for the woman to cook, clean, and wash for!

Ginger1982 · 15/11/2018 17:12

What happened to the baby you were pregnant with last June?

Notacluewhatthisis · 15/11/2018 18:31

I am going to assume it's not the same bloke.

But either way, Ok, you need start making better decisions about who you sleep with and who you get pregnant to.