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Original poster

DB dropping hints regarding money WWYD?

54 replies

twiglet · 13/11/2018 17:02

Myself and by DB are polar opposites I believe if you want something then you save he has always had the attitude of I deserve it regardless and is generally terrible with money etc.

He has 4DCs both him and my SIL work but would probably be lowish income family (but live rent free due to being left a house).

I've had 3 phone calls in as many weeks initially it starts asking how I am and how my pregnancy is going. As soon as I ask how things are there is a massive hint dropped so far it has been final reminder on electricity bill, the fridge broke and yesterday's call was my nephew managed to smash the TV at the weekend (kicked a ball).

He then says this is the last thing he needs before Xmas etc. I know he is hinting for me to offer the money (he knows I have a good job). So far I have avoided doing so by saying oh dear, have you tried free cycle/gumtree or speak to the company for a payment plan etc.

I could afford to sort it for him and part of me feels guilty as its also my nieces and nephews but I also know he has form. He would never pay me back and owes my parents in the region of 30k over the last 15 years from them bailing him out.
With a baby due in February and renovation work ongoing in our house I really don't want to offer it and my DH says not our problem that he's rubbish with money.

But my WWYD is in regard to the hints and do I just come out and say your just going to have to deal with it? We live 500 miles apart so thankfully it's only on the phone!

Sorry for the essay didn't want to drop feed.

OP posts:
LoveManyTrustfew · 13/11/2018 17:05

Ignore.

icelollycraving · 13/11/2018 17:14

Does he know that you know he didn’t repay the debt? (Feel like friends- they don’t know that we know they know Grin )
If he asks, either say that you are saving for your baby or that you know it won’t get repaid. It’s hard being hard up. It’s hard for some people to ask for help but I think you’d be sorry if you did.

Pavlova31 · 13/11/2018 17:15

Another call to Ignore too Op.
Also you help him out once how long before he expects bailing out again ?
He needs to learn how to balance his own finances.

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Relationship problems
whatsthestory123 · 13/11/2018 17:15

dont do it

Hidingtonothing · 13/11/2018 17:17

I would just keep going as you are tbh OP, if you never bite he will give up (at least for now) eventually. You just have to steel yourself against the guilt, it isn't your problem and you do him no favours long term by bailing him out so you have to get 'sympathetic but uninvolved' down to a fine art.

It's probably apparent I speak from experience and I know it's hard when there's DC being impacted by a parents irresponsibility but no one learns to be responsible by having their backside wiped for them and I refuse to be part of the problem by doing so. I live in hope that my family member will one day grow up and stand on their own two feet, they have very nearly exhausted all sources of help now so may well have no choice very soon.

Original poster
twiglet · 13/11/2018 17:19

He doesn't know that I'm aware of how much he owes our parents and that he has never paid it back.

My DM got really upset about it all a few years ago and told me (they had unexpected costs they struggled with as had given a lot of savings to him).

OP posts:
flossieisbossy · 13/11/2018 17:19

Please dont lend him anything , he has proved he can't be trusted to repay it

sirmione16 · 13/11/2018 17:19

Agree with pp to ignore - he's fishing for it which is worse than outright asking. I would have no problem with someone coming to me and saying "look, I'm in a really rough patch, I've considered all my options but honestly can't afford interest rates on a loan and can't fix these issues without the money, would you please lend me x amount and we'll agree how and when to pay back" but to just drop hints is ridiculous and annoying. I think your advice about second hand sites etc is good too.

IF and only IF you decide to lend him anything, make sure you've got it clearly written down in an email, text or on a piece of paper with a signature what was borrowed and when, payback amounts and deadlines. Then if the worst happens, you can take him to a small claims court or whatever and have the evidence to make sure he pays it back. This is absolute worse case.

Like I said, I'd just keep saying no. You've a 100% valid reason with being pregnant too - he should respect that.

bringbackthestripes · 13/11/2018 17:20

They live rent free yet doesn’t budget for the electricity bill -who has a bill isn’t it all DD these days? Confused

Anyhow ignore, your parents have done him no favours by constantly helping him out, he needs to grow up and only spend what he can afford like most people do. If he keeps hinting by all means tell him straight that you are not in a position to help him out with a baby due and building work to pay for.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/11/2018 17:21

He's already at a massive advantage in life by not having to pay a mortgage or rent. He should be able to finance his own life given that he is already exempt from most families largest bill.

RandomMess · 13/11/2018 17:21

He owes your parents £30k and makes no effort to repay it...

They are living beyond their means and being CFs

I would be tempted to buy your DNS clothing as gifts or some sort of treat but beyond that no way would I help them out!

bastardkitty · 13/11/2018 17:21

'Please don't embarrass me by asking to borrow money. You still owe our parents £30k'. Or just ignore Smile

Pebblesandfriends · 13/11/2018 17:22

When he asks again tell him you're happy to lend him money once he's paid your parents back

mayhew · 13/11/2018 17:23

Either

  1. Ignore
  2. Confront the hint.

I tend to confront the persistent hinter. In this situation I would say it sounds like he is asking me to give him money, if he is then I am going to disappoint him.
I would say he knows I am about to go on maternity leave and that it is clearly not a time for me to be giving away money.
CF!
Two working adults with no housing costs have no reason not to have emergency savings.

GlassHeart1 · 13/11/2018 17:26

He is trying it on you to take place of your supportive parents to fund him. I have seen similar, my exp got sucked in like that with his sis. Of course he never will repay to your dm, she wouldn't even ask.
Ignore.

Pavlova31 · 13/11/2018 17:26

Not suggesting your brother would do this but purely topical .I had been seeing someone who was always dropping hints about Bills etc.I gave him nothing. The next lady he befriended he took the guilt trip / charm bait and helped him out over numerous requests until he had taken her for every last penny.He then immediately dumped her .

WatchingFromTheWings · 13/11/2018 17:27

Ignore. If you help them once they've keep coming back. Before you know it you'll be 15 years and £30k down the line...

Knittedfairies · 13/11/2018 17:27

You need to put a stop to feeling any guilt in not taking heed of his hints; if he was desperate he would ask you for a loan.
My grandma always used to say that she was ‘too well-bred to hear the hint’ (Jane Austen, ‘Emma’)

okeydokeygirl · 13/11/2018 17:28

Agree with previous posters. Carry on as you are and don't offer and don't feel guilty. Suggest he contacts electricity supplier and agree how to pay off the debt in installments. If he outright asks then either say no or agree to GIVE him the money for the electricity bill only (find out how much first). Make it clear you are bailing him out this time only and please do not ask again. No point in even pretending it is a loan as you already know he won't pay it back and that will make you angry and affect your relationship. How does the saying go? "Never a borrower or a lender be"

okeydokeygirl · 13/11/2018 17:30

Actually what #bastardkitty said.

Nquartz · 13/11/2018 17:33

Bastardkitty has it nailed. He's so cheeky, he needs setting straight.

Original poster
twiglet · 13/11/2018 17:36

I know he is a CF it is just a case of the children. I don't know how they don't have an emergency fund. The children always seem to have the latest gadgets, their TV was massive (before being broken), toys etc.

I think he honestly thinks he deserves it all rather than saving up if they need something. I've wanted a Dyson for 3 years only this year will I buy it in the sales with vouchers from work as I considered it to cost too much Blush

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/11/2018 17:38

You nailed it one they are entitled!!!

OhLemons · 13/11/2018 17:38

I wouldn't lend him money but I would offer to pay the electricity bill (directly to the company).

Living with debt is hellish and some people get into a vicious cycle that's hard to break.

It's easy to judge about poor decision making that led to the problems in the first place, but I would still offer a limited amount of help.

Your poor parents, I'm sure they lent with the very best of intentions but what on earth possessed them to lend that amount of money?

RantyRantRantRant · 13/11/2018 17:43

He needs a pre payment meter and contents insurance with accidental cover if he allows a football in the house with 4DC.

Your parents are partly to blame for this, he has learned that he doesn't have to budget as one of you will bail him out.