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Original poster

DB dropping hints regarding money WWYD?

54 replies

twiglet · 13/11/2018 17:02

Myself and by DB are polar opposites I believe if you want something then you save he has always had the attitude of I deserve it regardless and is generally terrible with money etc.

He has 4DCs both him and my SIL work but would probably be lowish income family (but live rent free due to being left a house).

I've had 3 phone calls in as many weeks initially it starts asking how I am and how my pregnancy is going. As soon as I ask how things are there is a massive hint dropped so far it has been final reminder on electricity bill, the fridge broke and yesterday's call was my nephew managed to smash the TV at the weekend (kicked a ball).

He then says this is the last thing he needs before Xmas etc. I know he is hinting for me to offer the money (he knows I have a good job). So far I have avoided doing so by saying oh dear, have you tried free cycle/gumtree or speak to the company for a payment plan etc.

I could afford to sort it for him and part of me feels guilty as its also my nieces and nephews but I also know he has form. He would never pay me back and owes my parents in the region of 30k over the last 15 years from them bailing him out.
With a baby due in February and renovation work ongoing in our house I really don't want to offer it and my DH says not our problem that he's rubbish with money.

But my WWYD is in regard to the hints and do I just come out and say your just going to have to deal with it? We live 500 miles apart so thankfully it's only on the phone!

Sorry for the essay didn't want to drop feed.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 13/11/2018 17:52

Agree you just need to ignore him.

percheron67 · 13/11/2018 17:56

Best not to lend/give him any I think. Obviously, he is irresponsible and I don't think that other people should pay his way.

mbosnz · 13/11/2018 17:58

I'd be flat out saying, 'if you're wanting me to fork out, you're going to be disappointed I'm afraid. My policy is that I pay my way, and other people pay theirs. So I'm not bailing you out. You need to sort out your finances, that's part of this little thing we call being an 'adult'.

I'd also be telling my parents he'd been trying to shake me down for money, that I wasn't having a bar of it, and suggesting that they follow my example, as a case of being cruel to be kind.

If you didn't want to pay the electric, so the kids don't suffer because of their parents being hopeless with money, I'd be paying it direct, and making it clear it was a first and last, and in the form of this year's Christmas present to them.

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Original poster
twiglet · 13/11/2018 17:58

@OhLemons it was always smaller amounts £500 here 1K 6 months later its only when my parents needed to pay for house repairs they realised how much he owed and had never paid!
Appears he also used statements of I can't afford to feed your GCs to my mum over the years.

I think my SIL would be horrified if she knew he was hinting which is probably why he hasn't asked outright.

It makes me feel better that you guys agree I'm not being mean or unreasonable to ignore it/only offer practical advice.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/11/2018 18:02

If SIL doesn't know could he be gambling or wasting money somewhere else she's unaware of.

dontalltalkatonce · 13/11/2018 18:02

I'd completely ignore him and carry on as you are. Wouldn't give him a bean. Nope, nope, nope.

EspressoButler · 13/11/2018 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadisonMontgomery · 13/11/2018 18:04

Don’t pay. If you do you’ll never stop - there’ll always be another emergency. He can contact the electricity company and set up a payment plan, and nobody ever died from not having a TV.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 13/11/2018 18:07

Envisage your next thread op.....
My db owes me 30k.
And our dps 30k.
But his dc have gadgets galore.

No disrespect op but he has likely spent part of your inheritance.

IJustLostTheGame · 13/11/2018 18:11

Next time he rings say 'oh dear, still, it's not as though you have to pay rent or a mortgage' and leave it at that. If he asks outright just tell him straight that you have a baby on the way and house stuff to pay for.

EggysMom · 13/11/2018 18:11

I think I'd keep giving practical suggestions - have you tried Freecycle? I hear (name shop) do interest-free credit just now? Don't forget to go through a cashback site Grin

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/11/2018 18:24

No way. You’d be taking from your baby to sub a grown man, who has a job and chooses to have stupid priorities.

I have a sibling like this. He owes my dad £25k and my mum about £8k. It’s never enough. I used to get sucked into helping him out, felt guilty etc, no thanks, increasing entitlement, massive bloody pisstaking in the end. I then had to say no, he cried, he stropped, he stopped talking to me for a while. I felt awful. Then I felt angry and realised he had no right at all to my hard earned money when he’d continued to make bad choices enabled by us mugs who’d given him the benefit of the doubt.

Take it from me, it’s easier not to start.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Your family is your responsibility, his family is his.

Original poster
twiglet · 13/11/2018 18:25

He's not gambling but I think he had some trouble with payday loans a while back wouldn't surprise me if its still not sorted.

I know I'm in charge of nieces/nephews inheritance on my parents wills because they don't trust DB with it (he doesn't know that one). I've always told my parents it's their money to spend on themselves I'm not bothered about inheritance.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/11/2018 18:27

Next time he calls , sigh and say oh I know we're trying to get sorted for maternity leave I don't know how we'll manage financially. Basically any time he complains about lack of funds you do too.

Do not pay his bills in any shape or form, sounds like poor prioritisation rather than genuine lack of funds

purplecorkheart · 13/11/2018 18:31

I second what Rookie said. Either way do not give him a loan.

lurknolinger · 13/11/2018 18:49

I'm in charge of nieces/nephews inheritance on my parents wills because they don't trust DB with it (he doesn't know that one).
That is a game changer! by the time this happens he will already have to be well aware that asking you for donations from those funds are not going to happen! So I think you are better off being firm now which of course will be difficult for now but may actually make things easier in the future. Either way, you may need to accept this issue is likely to affect your relationship with him, especially if you stand firm and don't give him what he wants.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 13/11/2018 18:52

Massive CF...do not give him a penny....people who sponge of others are the lowest of the low !!!

CantWaitToRetire · 13/11/2018 19:18

Please don’t let your DB guilt trip you with the children. What’s the betting after taking your money “because he can’t afford to feed the kids” or some other excuse, there will suddenly be some expensive presents turning up in the household at Christmas.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 13/11/2018 19:28

Inheritance may not be important to you but it will be important to your dps that you are both treated fairly - and seeing you working /achieving must make them a bit pd off that db isn't on your wave length.
The family bank closing down will likely make him shape up.

RandomMess · 13/11/2018 19:32

I would tell him about the debt charities Wink

Pebblesandfriends · 13/11/2018 19:59

What rookie said. My DS is used to always phone me up for loans until I slipped into conversation that I had very little left at the end of the month and had to save up for several months to afford a new pair of jeans. I think then the penny dropped.

Chocolala · 13/11/2018 20:12

Hell no. Sounds like he needs to get some tough love. And to enforce some basic rules with he kids including ‘no ball games inside’.

Bluetrews25 · 13/11/2018 20:56

If your DPs are going to leave you and DBro anything in their wills, then they need to spell it out in the will that he has already received 30K and this is to be taken into account when the final amount is divided up, so that you receive 30K more than him. It's only fair. I can't see how your parents could object to that, if they stop and think about the ill feelings NOT doing this will generate between you later.
Perhaps they could tell him this then he won't be 'worrying' about repaying the loan just now when times continue to be hard.....
FWIW I do not think this is grabby. Had similar situation in my family. (long story).

Frankswife87 · 13/11/2018 21:05

Op I got to the point with constantly lending my dB money every month that never got repaid I snapped finally and reminded him how he'd not paid anything back ever and said I wouldn't be lending anymore but if he'd bothered to repay me I'd happily always help him out. He's never asked me since, I used to get every story in the book I've been burgled, I've not been paid etc , he used to go around every family member and tell the same sob story and get about £30/50 per family member promising to pay back, it was a family joke. Just be honest and stand your ground he may try and guilt trip you then once he realises that isn't working he will throw a tantrum. Stand firm rinse and repeat!

Frankswife87 · 13/11/2018 21:06

Oh and my dB would not be seen for dust once he acquired the money only to get in touch when he wanted money to go out 😁