Talk me down - primary school parents evening

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Regular poster with name change. Parents’ evening for DS7 last week (Year Two). He’s reading well above where he should be, always joins in, is kind, and has yet to get a spelling wrong in tests since start of the term. Teacher says in one breath that he is a good listener, creative, kind... then. Well then she just sort of launches and spends the rest of our allotted time telling us that he is capable of much more than he’s giving, he has the capability to be at the top of the class but will always opt for work he knows he can do rather than push himself (thought this was normal with kids?!). She stressed he wasn’t lazy but wasn’t challenging himself enough. I came away feeling really disappointed. It felt like the assessment of a GCSE pupil rather than a seven-year-old. My DH thinks I’m being over sensitive and we need to push him more not to take the easy option. I feel that he’s doing well and “pushing” a seven-year-old because they are doing well but not top of the class is ridiculous! Anyone any thoughts? Maybe the teacher was just more direct than I’m used to but DS is sensitive and when he asked what I had been said I struggled to remember the positive stuff. I don’t expect to go and be told he’s great at everything (he’s not) but the pressure in primary feels too much sometimes. This is my first in primary so no idea! Anyone else got any parents’ evening experiences they can share to make me feel better?!

Don't read too much into it. As long as he's happy at school and making expected progress I wouldnt worry. The teacher didn't say anything is a cause for concern, just that he could challenge himself more.

I suppose it was the fact I came away with hardly any positives. DS said “did she say I was good at anything?!”

But she said loads of positive things about him didn't she?

Even her 'criticism' is actually a compliment as she knows he's intelligent enough to do more

I wouldn't give it much thought to be honest. I'd just tell him to always try his best and leave it at that. He's 7 not 17!

Don’t take this the wrong way as I can understand how you feel - but try going to a parents evening when you /actually/ have a kid who is struggling! Honestly, pour a glass of wine and forget about this immensely first world problem

She said one sentence of positives then the rest of the time was what he needed to be doing. I like direct, but was hoping she’d throw some bone of positivity!

Teachers are all about Next steps - rather than celebrating achievements so far ..... it's quite normal but hard to hear!!

One teacher said 'I have nothing good to say about DS'

Fucking Awful!

No I know Lindt, it’s not a stealth boast, I totally hear you. Quite happy to be handed a grip...

I would add - even the child at the top of the class has 'next steps' to be working on

Oh Jesus Green that’s quite an opening. You are totally right, I hadn’t thought of it like that. Next steps indeed. It all seems so pushy.

Why did you tell DS all the negative things she said? Couldn't you just have told him the positives?

That's a very positive criticism actually, and it's one I'd often give. Coasting along in a class and doing just fine is grand, but if he's able for harder work he should be going for the harder work.

You know that if you got to the end of the school year and his report said that he wasn't achieving national expectations you'd be disappointed.
Well, you're now in a situation where your DC's teacher has said he's capable of meeting or even exceeding national expectations but he needs a push. I imagine she's expecting you to take that on board and think "where do I want my DC to be at the end of the school year? The best he can be, or somewhere below?"

Education is a collaboration between parent and teacher. The teacher has told you he's doing well but could do better if he put in the effort.
She is probably expecting you to guide your child into putting in maximum effort to get maximum results.

It's up to you now to decide what you do with that information.

Well I didn’t, I told him that she had said he was doing well but sometimes didn’t push himself, or involve himself in group stuff. Tbh, he’s probably as over sensitive as me and just heard the negatives. He asked me directly what she’d said he was good at, but she never gave specifics that they understand or want to hear like reading/spelling/maths just that he was a good listener and kind.

Thanks sausage I asked her directly what we could do and will be doing it. I suppose I was just expecting a few more positive strokes.

She said loads of positive things about him though. She needs to tell you where he can improve and he needs to challenge himself more. Not all children coast along. I think you're being precious

But the criticism is one big positive...she sees potential and thinks he can achieve loads if he sets his mind to it. He can choose not to of course but she’s a teacher, it’s her job to spot potential!

I know what you mean about primary being pushy. They really are! But it’s up to him how much he buys into it. If he’s content being nearly top he might find that approach is better for him in the long run than always striving to be more more more best best best.

Law of diminishing returns and all that. Plus getting used to top marks can make secondary transition tricky.

She’s letting you know that he’s coasting a bit. That could be because he’s a bit lazy or because he’s not confident enough to push himself. It’s much easier to try and adjust that attitude now than it is in secondary school.

But if you think about it she was very positive. He's doing well and is capable of much, much more so he's obviously very bright. I hate stereotyping but I think many boys are lazy don't challenge themselves at this age. My son was very bright but was a nightmare to get motivated at primary school. He got a bit more competitive in year 5/6 but would often do bare minimum.

At school though, it's up to the teachers to 'push him' and not let him always choose the work he knows.

Thanks ballsdeep for that reality check.
batteries yes all good points
austrian yeah the secondary thing is something I’d not thought of.
I guess I need to get used to pushing a bit more.

perfectly yes he can be hard to get motivated, especially with homework. Think also he is scared of getting stuff wrong. Did it naturally sort itself out with your DS or did you intervene?

I think sometimes it's how they say stuff isn't it? They are not necessarily very good at dealing with parents. But could still be good teachers. Lots of teachers are very young and have no kids so say quite abrupt stuff. It's a case of picking your battles with school really I think.

If your child is happy at school and you are happy with how he's doing then I would just be happy with that.

I think sometimes they have to try to think of something to say regarding improvement. Otherwise they would just say yep your dc is great. They are obsessed with this growth mindset at our kids' school - so saying something can be improved is seen as a positive thing. You probably need to be a bit less sensitive and just tell your DC that you are very proud of them

Yes, think of it this way. Your son is naturally bright and as such doesn't know the meaning of hard work. Doesn't know what it's like to be in a room full of people his age who understand what he just doesn't get.

I was like that myself as a child, and when I did eventually reach a level where things didn't come as easily, i was at a big disadvantage. I was lazy, had no self discipline to revise what i didn't know and it kind of affected my confidence and sense of self. I was meant to be the 'brainy' one!

I know he's only young and i wouldn't by any means suggest hothousing him, but he should be getting stuck into things he finds hard, at least some of the time. It'll do him good!

Sounds like a great parents evening to me. You might be grateful of her direct approach in the future.You should have told your son that she thinks he’s so good he could even try to challenge himself more now as she thinks he’s up to it. School is all about challenge. No idea why you’d see what she said as negative. Looks to me like she’s keen to help him progress.