Talk me down - primary school parents evening

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Regular poster with name change. Parents’ evening for DS7 last week (Year Two). He’s reading well above where he should be, always joins in, is kind, and has yet to get a spelling wrong in tests since start of the term. Teacher says in one breath that he is a good listener, creative, kind... then. Well then she just sort of launches and spends the rest of our allotted time telling us that he is capable of much more than he’s giving, he has the capability to be at the top of the class but will always opt for work he knows he can do rather than push himself (thought this was normal with kids?!). She stressed he wasn’t lazy but wasn’t challenging himself enough. I came away feeling really disappointed. It felt like the assessment of a GCSE pupil rather than a seven-year-old. My DH thinks I’m being over sensitive and we need to push him more not to take the easy option. I feel that he’s doing well and “pushing” a seven-year-old because they are doing well but not top of the class is ridiculous! Anyone any thoughts? Maybe the teacher was just more direct than I’m used to but DS is sensitive and when he asked what I had been said I struggled to remember the positive stuff. I don’t expect to go and be told he’s great at everything (he’s not) but the pressure in primary feels too much sometimes. This is my first in primary so no idea! Anyone else got any parents’ evening experiences they can share to make me feel better?!

Thank you widget. Very useful insights!

If my 7yo challenged herself I have no doubt she will be ruling us all before to long.

She doesn't though. She gets by on a "just enough" basis and is very happy with that. There is no point in pushing her to do more - she is highly resistant.

Teacher talk for a lazy attitude.

Mine is six, and at a parents’ evening a few weeks ago I politely asked his teacher to stop telling me about his SATS targets when I wanted to know about his general behaviour and happiness. I like and respect his teacher, but the education system in this country is far too joyless and rigid for very young children.

She’s not asking your child to push himself to extremes she’s just asking him to try his best and stop coasting.
My DD really struggles at school so any achievement is good but if I felt she wasn’t putting the effort in I’d be having a word with her. I dont expect her to ever be in the top of the class but I do expect her to try her very best.

I don’t think it has anything to do with Sats at our school, it’s an independent school and I don’t think they do the year 2 ones. They do the year 6 ones.
I think mine is a bit lazy and would rather daydream! Because he’s bright he knows the answers but CBA to write them down!
We are reducing iPad time and I will be asking for a weekly update on how he’s been doing. We have a communication book so can use that.

Thanks dreaming but as my earlier post said she clearly said he wasn’t lazy and I don’t think she’s the type to dress things up!

Coasting at 7? Gawd.

OP - I haven’t pushed my kids academically. You don’t have to. Despite the narrative of the day. If I pushed ds3 he’d have an anxiety attack and crumple in a heap. Ds2 is frustratingly able/lazy but for me it was far more important that he developed his own motivation. Me marching him through every step would just mean that he ground to a halt as soon as I wasn’t there (used to teach bright older teens).

Ds2 and ds3 are 17/14 now. Both happy (I thought ds3 may go to pieces in secondary), both well behaved, both fun to be around & both still seem to enjoy family stuff. If I had taken a pushy, heavily monitoring approach I suspect ds2’s gcse grades could have been upped a bit. But at what cost? And for what gain?

You are very negative.
Your op lists 7 positives.

You didn't say to him : she's happy. And list the 7 positives.

But she thinks you are capable of do much more ......

This is exactly what I have with ds2. The difference is I don't see it as a problem.

Interesting devilish. You knew what was right for yours. I was just taken aback as he is the only child in his class to never get a spelling wrong and is a higher reading level than anyone else so it’s not like he doesn’t try. He doesn’t know the spellings already so does lots of practise. I just wasn’t expecting a long list of everything that’s wrong. But clearly from other people’s experiences, I need to get used to it as it seems the way now!

oblimov18 Yes I listed the positives but those I what I think. She didn’t lost all those! She said about three at the start of a sentence then gave everything that he wasn’t doing for the rest of the session so 99% of the conversation was about what he’s not doing!

It sounds like you and he are both quite sensitive and he doesn’t have a lot of confidence. It’s not about pushing him academically but about working on his risk taking. Kids who neber get anything wrong can really struggle emotionally when they do. If he’s getting 100% in spellings try getting him to try some really obscure ones - he needs to learn the skills of feeling he doesn’t know something and taking an educated guess and being ok with it if it’s not right.

Yes I think you’re right museum that’s definitely something to think about.

Totally agree with museum. My dc is similar to yours in what he can do. He absolutely goes to pieces if he encounters something he can’t do and lacks problem solving ability. He has always just been able to do stuff and is naturally bright for his age, as he gets older however I think he will struggle because he can’t handle being wrong. I think he does need pushing every now and then particularly to have a go at something he can’t do right away. It doesn’t mean it will take over his life but just help him with the skills he needs to progress when it does matter.

Ds3’s School was very carefully chosen. It is very unusual (state school) that focuses on the creative & confidence and motivation rather than the academic. Although he is doing well academically as well (& isn’t what I would call creative). It has been the perfect school for him. Govian academic bootcamps of the type Ds2 attended would have broken him. And I have to say didn’t remotely inspire Ds2 either, just destroyed any interest he had in academics.

I think know your child, know what they need to become self motivated, confident, thoughtful adults and go for that.

I would tread carefully - pushing a 7 year old is not the right approach. Of course encourage him to read and take trips to the library, take an interest in what he has to say, answer his questions but no matter how frustrating a 7 year olds lack of focus is, the need to take their time to gain focus and maturity...pushing causes push back and that's a harder problem to solve.

Challenging a child is not exactly pushing them. For example the children might have a choice of a) label parts of a flower on a picture provided from the words provided b) label parts of a flower on a picture provided but remember the words correctly themselves c) draw a flower and label it or d) draw a flower, label it and write a sentence or caption to explain what each part of the flower does.

The teacher will say group A do exercise a) group B can choose b) or c) and group C can choose c) or d) for example.

Your ds will be choosing option c) because it is less thinking, less explaining and less writing. His teacher thinks he should be challenging himself and choosing option d) most of the time.

fairenuff I think that’s exactly what it is.

There’s also the possibility of trying to teach these skills without the academic element.

So for challenging himself, doing things like Go Ape, climbing walls, finding that experience of having to sort of ‘jump into the unknown’. It’s one of the reasons posh kids are often more confident IMO, (I know not always!!) expensive sports like skiing and horse riding have more of those elements than, say, football.

Then there’s the breaking a task down into steps element, which can be achieved by discussing housework (what steps need fulfilling for the kitchen to be clean) or shopping (what do we need to do in order to buy food for dinner, including taking money, putting coats on, transport etc in the steps).

If you can isolate what it is that is preventing him really throwing himself into work, you will probably be able to find a way to teach a different attitude without mentioning schoolwork.

batteries very helpful. I recognise lots of this. He is very risk averse in other aspects (climbing etc) and that is something we’re working on. However very confident in social situations and throws himself into stuff. I was much more self conscious at his age!

It does sound a bit much for a 7 year old's parent's evening TBH. But you can put a positive spin on it for your son. Tell him that his teacher thinks he can go on to wonderful things if he keeps on challenging himself, trying new things and working hard.

However, I think it's great that he's kind, sociable, happy and capable. These things are more important than being top of the class :)

Yes they are blackink totally agree.