Not agreeing with DH's no dinner punishment.

[loveulotslikejellytots]

Dd is nearly 3. We've been out for an early tea, dd refused to eat it and had a tantrum. I took her out of the restaurant, gave her the option of sitting and eating or going home. She started screaming and shouting when we went back inside again so I took her to the car, and we left.

DH has now said she's having nothing else. Dd is saying she's hungry. I'm trying really hard to back him up but I don't agree with this and have said I'll give her some porridge (out of ear shot of Dd)

DH is now sulking. It's not him that will be up in the night with a hungry toddler though! I feel she has already been punished, she's lost her screen time for tonight, DH also said no toys when we got in but I have no easy way of enforcing this as there are toys in at least 2 rooms Dd can get into. He is watching tv not even attempting to stop Dd playing so I guess he wasn't that serious about that one.

He sounds like an abusive arse to your DD and you.

I would never use food as a punishment at any age.

It sounds like your dh is taking your dd's behaviour personally and seeking revenge punishment. She had a tantrum, you went home, you just needed not to give in and then to move on, not drag out a punishment out all evening, with a food, toy and screen ban....overkill much?

Don't berate OP too much: she will have been conditioned by this prick to obey, indulge and placate him. Like all abusers, he will have started out slowly, and OP will have begun to let him have his own way because it's easier, and life is too short to make everything a battleground, and all the other bullshit that basically teaches women to please men and put men first.
Then there's the additional dangerous bullshit about 'not undermining the other parent' when it is actually very important to step in when the other parent is being a prick (as long as you can do so safely - if you have an abusive man in the house it may be better to go behind his back until you can get rid of him).

Your DH does have a point....your DC was a naughty kid AND was given opportunity to remedy it but refused

She is 2. Not 10. Given an opportunity to remedy it but refused!! have you ever met a 2 year old?

good luck op.

do 2 year olds even have screen time? Wtf?

"never use food as a punishment at any age"

We frequently do food-related consequences, although the situation is different.
If DDs continue to behave badly at table following several warnings we end the meal, or say no pudding (factor in that they only do it after they have eaten enough). We didn't start this until they were old enough to understand what we expect, and to control themselves.
So yes I believe food sanctions can be appropriate.

Your DH is expecting too much of a 2YO, and the consequences are disproportionate. Was your DC given clear warnings or is DH's sulk taking more away from your DC (food, toys, TV) without giving her a change to respond/understand?

Thanks for all the replies. @ShalomJackie no, sorry I meant tv time. I thought screen time included tv but I now realise this means iPads etc.

I will be asking for the thread to be deleted. Things haven't got any better at home, if anything they are worse. My unwillingness to back down from my point of view and me trying to explain how wrong he is has only made things worse. He has been very quiet with me since Saturday, we argued again last night about it, apparently I should stop reading shit on the internet. He knows about toddlers from what friends have told him. According to him I have never let him be a dad to dd, taken over at every opportunity and I'm a control freak. My mum agrees with him as well, she hasn't told me that, just him. I was tired of arguing so I went to bed. He slept in the spare room. He barely spoke to me this morning.

But then this afternoon he was asking about booking a holiday for next year. Like I'm supposed to just forget everything. Dd and I are fine) but if someone was to find this thread it wouldn't help me right now.

Nope. Never, ever use control of food as a punishment.

Sorry the home situation isn't good.

From the face of this one example, I think DH is being completely unreasonable. DD ate a lot in the morning and was understandably not hungry at 3pm but wanted to play.

But it sounds like there's a lot more to this story - moments where one or the other of you have disagreed with the other's parenting approach. It's impossible to say who is right or wrong without knowing the details, and even if we did, the chances are that some would agree with your DH and some with you. But I do think differing parenting styles are a huge problem - not just in couples, but in families and friendships too.

Good luck OP, sounds like you need to work through a lot.

OP have a look on the relationships board, there is some fantastic advice over there.

OP you can change your username and go on Relationships board like pp said. Please do that. He's messing with your head.

Unless your H's friends are all child psychologists, he knows bollocks. And your mum is one of the older generation - things have changed. We know a lot more about child development now.

Do please name change and seek further help, OP. Your H isn't a good parent and you and DD both deserve better.

You don't (or shouldn't) 'punish' a TWO YEAR OLD at all, let alone with the withholding of food
FFS, criminals in prison rightly get three meals a day. Adeuate food is a human right.

If my dh demanded this (he wouldn't), I'd know he was not the man I married and not the one I wanted to stay with. Either your h has swallowed some very, very worrying ideas about what parenting should involve (disciplinarianism seems to have had quite the renaissance lately, judging by some of the threads on here), or he's a sadistic bully.

'Then there's the additional dangerous bullshit about 'not undermining the other parent' when it is actually very important to step in when the other parent is being a prick (as long as you can do so safely - if you have an abusive man in the house it may be better to go behind his back until you can get rid of him).'

Agree wholeheartedly with this from SGB. The dogma of the united-front-at-all-costs is unwise at best, dangerous at worst, IMO.

Your H is abusive, OP. Sorry but that is clearly the case. Is your relationship with your mum generally good? Or has she always been inclined to criticize and blame you? If she's a good mum and you feel you can be sure she will help you, then your H is lying to you about how she agrees with him, though if she has always been critical of you, he may have got her to take his side. If you think he is likely to be telling the truth from what you know of your own relationship with your mum, then you need to rule her out as potential support and get it from either friends or Women's Aid. Because this prick's behaviour is going to get worse, not better. He is determined that he is the Head Of The Household and is going to keep on using aggression and unkindness to keep you and DD in feat of him and train you to absolute compliance if you don't get him out.

@ReanimatedSGB no, my mum is usually very impartial. She doesn't take sides, but will offer her opinion when asked. I doubt very much she would have said anything.

My ds is 3 and i wouldnt refuse him food. If he doesnt eat all his dinner he doesnt get pudding but ive never not given him a main meal at teatime

The dogma of the united-front-at-all-costs is unwise at best, dangerous at worst, IMO. I am so with you - dh and I both will step in when the other oversteps the line - we rely on it - we don't feel undermined because it isn't about us - it's about bringing our kids up properly with kindness and love.