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Original poster

Not agreeing with DH's no dinner punishment.

95 replies

loveulotslikejellytots · 10/11/2018 16:49

Dd is nearly 3. We've been out for an early tea, dd refused to eat it and had a tantrum. I took her out of the restaurant, gave her the option of sitting and eating or going home. She started screaming and shouting when we went back inside again so I took her to the car, and we left.

DH has now said she's having nothing else. Dd is saying she's hungry. I'm trying really hard to back him up but I don't agree with this and have said I'll give her some porridge (out of ear shot of Dd)

DH is now sulking. It's not him that will be up in the night with a hungry toddler though! I feel she has already been punished, she's lost her screen time for tonight, DH also said no toys when we got in but I have no easy way of enforcing this as there are toys in at least 2 rooms Dd can get into. He is watching tv not even attempting to stop Dd playing so I guess he wasn't that serious about that one.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 10/11/2018 17:29

Explain to your DH that she's already had an appropriate punishment as she didn't behave as you would like so you went home. That's it, over and done with. He doesn't need to keep going on. Its a 2 year old who had a normal toddler tantrum, she didn't kill a man! Also If he wants no screen time and no toys how is expecting to entertain the child he's attempting to starve until bed? Starving a toddler is cruel and pointless as she won't make the connection anyway. If he tries to enforce it that would honestly be a deal breaker for me. I'd be leaving with DD and off to my parents.

Original poster
loveulotslikejellytots · 10/11/2018 17:31

I have given her dinner, just in case anyone was worried.

Yes, in hindsight the play area wasn't a good idea. We've been there so many times and Dd usually comes out when asked, eats and then goes back in. I guess today she just didn't want to.

I think I need to think about the bigger picture. I thought I was wrong for not backing him up. He's told me that Dd isn't normal for the way she behaves. I think she's a normal toddler. He constantly tells me that the way she is, is my fault because I'm too soft.

I'm sick of it. I knew I wasn't wrong. I was slowly being convinced that maybe he's right. Sometimes he is the best dad ever, so loving and fun. Then days like today I want to run, so far away.

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 10/11/2018 17:32

2 year old have tranturms - about everything and anything.

This is often worse when tired or hungry.

My not hungry or tired Ds once has a trantum becuase I stole his poo - ie changed his dirty nappy not while I was doing it shortly afterwards - it was an epic tantrum.

He's now a very polite well behaved 11 year old - I know this as I'm frequently told this by other adults. You really aren't being soft for feeding your hungrey 2 nearly 3 year old.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families
SophiaLovesSummer · 10/11/2018 17:32

This has just made me feel sick. My 'D'F used food as a punishment - both the withholding of it and the force feeding of it - and I suffer from severe ED to this day, literally manage it day to day. And this has just triggered a massive wave. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad for me but to point out that this, what is happening to me right now, is the very real risk end point of what he is doing, of a life long sentence as the reality of food being used as 'punishment'.SadAngry Please stop him before he does actually damage her?

And at 2? And at 3.30pm? FFS. That's genuinely shocking OP, I really hope thread has helped you see that - will he even listen to you though?

IStandWithPosie · 10/11/2018 17:36

2 year old tantrums (actual tantrums, not just throwing something) aren’t bad behaviour. They don’t do it to be naughty. They are because the child can’t express what they’re feeling. In your case it was frustration because she had been having fun in the play area and now she was being prevented from going back. She wasn’t being a brat, she just genuinely didn’t understand why she couldn’t play and her belly was full so didn’t want more food. Your DH really has some homework to do. He can’t keep doing this.

Bluntness100 · 10/11/2018 17:38

You need to get your daughter away from this man. Anyone who wishes to starve a two year old, calls her abnormal etc shouldn't be any where near a child. In fact the fucker belongs in a jail cell in my view. Child abusers are scum and that's what he is.

Get him out. Your role is to protect her. And protect her from this animal who would starve her, call her names, becayse she is little and doesn't do what he says.

Either he leaves or you and her do. Either way he's not fit to be near her.

And if you stay and one day she tells her teacher I hope they punish both of you.

No leniency in my book for people who mistreat children.

Seaweed42 · 10/11/2018 17:39

Stand up to him. Tell him you won't see a child go hungry because of his judgemental attitude.
When he starts telling you you are too soft say back 'It seems you think I have done something wrong. I haven't done anything wrong. I've been acting like I always act every day of the week.'
If he says your DD isn't acting like other kids, ask him for the evidence of his research. Ask him to show you where he's getting his information from. Call his bluff - Tell him you'll make an appointment for next week so that you, him and DD can go to the public health nurse and he can tell her about DD wanting to go and play instead of eating her cruddy lunch. Then you see what the nurse has to say about a two year old's 'normal behaviour'. I bet he won't take you up on that offer.

flumpybear · 10/11/2018 17:44

You need to tell your DH his way of disciplining is Wring and potentially damaging
Don't withhold meals ever ... ever! Imagine 15 years time, she needs to realise healthy good food regularly is the norm - no 2 year old wants to sit in a restaurant - my 6 year old struggles ... now my DD is 10 she thinks she's very grown up eating in a restaurant but that took years! They need familiarity and good food at home and we used to feed before going out and they'd have snacks and pudding st restaurants - no stress as dinner eaten so anything else is bonus or treat

ReanimatedSGB · 10/11/2018 17:48

Tell your H now that you will not back him up, that he is not the lord and master of the house, and he can either start behaving sensibly or you will end the marriage.You have to stamp on this sort of bullying - don't ever buy into bullshit about 'supporting' a man in this sort of egotisical behaviour.
Piling punishment on punishment (taken home early, no toys, no screen time, no food) for a very minor, age-appropriate bit of naughtiness is shit parenting and almost certainly bordereline abuse.

If you think that putting your H in his place will lead to him verbally or physically abusing you then start making exit plans now, because there is no hope for him and you need to protect yourself and your daughter - his feelings are irrelevant.

Troels · 10/11/2018 17:49

She was acting age appropritely, Your Dh haowever is not. His skills in parenting a toddler are way off and he should stick to the fun play side if thats all he's good at, and take his cues from you on the age/abilities side of it.

Missingstreetlife · 10/11/2018 17:49

How was he brought up, how did it make him feel?

Xenadog · 10/11/2018 17:50

He is not the best dad ever, OP. He is a fucking bullying arse. I’d give him the opportunity to learn about how to parent a two, nearly three year, old (through books as I imagine he wouldn’t consider a parenting course) and see if he has a change of view. If he calls it all rubbish I’d tell him he is unfit to be a parent and i’d be bringing my daughter up by myself.

That might sound extreme but you do not ever starve a child as a punishment especially one so little.

Bluntness100 · 10/11/2018 17:50

Tell him you'll make an appointment for next week so that you, him and DD can go to the public health nurse

No. Tell him you'll call social services and explain what he wants to do to this little girl. Tell him that you'll explain the things he says about her.

Can you imagine the horror of hearing your own father calling you abnormal. Being starved becayse you didn't eat on his time line.

At two. And knowing mummy tried to back him up.

Can you even imagine growing up in that environment. How much it would damage you.

cushioncuddle · 10/11/2018 17:51

Well done for not doing what he said and giving her dinner.
May be this is the start of you taking back control and getting more confidence and self worth.
Keep asking MN and we will keep tell you you're right.
Think long and hard about the reasons he acts the way he does towards you and your daughter.

RedDeadRoach · 10/11/2018 17:51

Why would you try and force dd to eat if she wasnt hungry? She's only little.

Tinkobell · 10/11/2018 17:53

I'd give supper but I'd make it a very dull one. Cheese sarnies, sliced apple and yogurt followed by a very early night......something that just does the job but is clearly way less interesting than the restaurant fayre. Your DH does have a point....your DC was a naughty kid AND was given opportunity to remedy it but refused....there does have to be consequences unless you want to create a lovely rod for your backs in the future. I'm a mum of well balanced and I hope unbrattish teens!

Original poster
loveulotslikejellytots · 10/11/2018 18:17

Thank you for your honesty. I think it's just what I needed. If I don't reply for the rest of the night we're ok. MIL is coming round for a few hours.

Dd has a picnic for tea, her favourite. Mil will come laden with kinder eggs probably so she can have those tomorrow. I've got some thinking/planning to do.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/11/2018 18:27

point....your DC was a naughty kid AND was given opportunity to remedy it but refused..

2 yr olds aren't naughty. Hmm

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 10/11/2018 18:42

They can be naughty, but any consequences to that need to be immediate and linked to the behaviour.

Given the tantrum wasn’t really about food, the OPs DD is probably not even going to notice being given a ‘dull’ dinner let alone see it as a consequence for typical toddler tantrum for not wanting to stop playing.

BifsWif · 10/11/2018 18:55

No, he isn’t a good dad at all. Had you not intervened, your two year old would have gone to bed without food even though he knows she’s hungry. That’s abusive.

He called his two year old abnormal. Abusive at worst, damaging at best.

He’s a prick. What’s the rest of your relationship like?

tallwivglasses · 10/11/2018 19:15

How come he's such the expert on toddlers?

Gonzoo · 10/11/2018 19:15

He didn't want to feed a 2 year old between 3:30 and bedtime which is what? 7? That's abusive. There's no way around it. She doesn't have the cognitive capacity to understand why she was being made hungry. What she would get clearly is that her father was doing it to her on purpose. Awful. Does he know what normal 2 year old behaviour is? What she is capable of and not? He needs a basic parenting class.

PineapplePen07 · 10/11/2018 19:49

I feel for you love. Please don't doubt yourself as a parent, it sounds as though you have a lot of thinking to doThanks

Petitepamplemousse · 10/11/2018 20:16

Oh dear. Your DP was being cruel and abusive. The fact you had to question it really concerns me.

Petitepamplemousse · 10/11/2018 20:18

Typical trait of an abusive man to tell the woman she’s too soft and make you question your own parenting. I’m concerned that you had to come on here to ask — because it suggests you are being abused and have lost all sense of your own moral compass. If anyone suggested doing this to a three year old to most people, they would not have to question that it was wrong.

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