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Original poster

Pregnant at 41 with second baby. Partner wants me to terminate

57 replies

Ctenophora · 10/11/2018 09:44

I have been in a fantastic and loving relationship with my partner for almost 4 years and have recently found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant. I was not using any contraception (naively perhaps) after having my copper coil removed in August, as I thought that being so much older and overweight I wouldn't conceive, add to that it took me over 2 years to conceive my daughter in my 20's! I informed my partner exoecting him to be overjoyed but he is anything but. We both already have children from previous marriages (I have 1, he's has 2) so I guess this would be the time of our lives to look forward to focussing on ourselves and our future lives together. This pregnancy has come out of the blue for both of us as we had plans made for next year etc.. My partner has for very valid reasons said that because of the difficulties he has had with maintaining contact with his existing children, having this baby would be about the worst thing that could happen right now. My dilemma is that should I keep the baby against his wishes, I am not in a financially or emotionally stable enough position (after raising my older child mostly alone) to boldly begin life again as a single parent, should he leave me to it. I am constantly swinging from knowing that a termination would logically be the right thing to do, to feeling emotional ( damm hormones) imagining what our baby would be like and how amazing it would be to have that in our lives again.
Time is ticking away and I want to make my decision without letting my older child know or sense what is going on.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 10/11/2018 09:50

Your partner is being massively unfair. If he was so dead against having more children, what the duck is he doing having unprotected sex? He can’t, simply can’t expect you to terminate as a form of contraception.

As he is showing so little concern for your welfare, I’d disregard his wishes and focus on what you want. If YOU want to terminate, that’s fine but don’t be coerced into it. If YOU choose to have the baby, you can do it, you’ve done it before.

Look after yourself OP Thanks

IfNotNowThenWooOoOoo · 10/11/2018 09:58

If he didn't want more children he should have put a condom on his dick.
Contraception is HIS responsibility as much as yours. You were happy to get pregnant if that's what fate had in store (congratulations btw) but he really didn't want a child, so really the onus was on him.
Seriously, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy you will be fine. You have done it before so you know what to do.
But don't decide to have it and then let this man hold it over you for the rest of time.
It's been his decision as much as yours.

Susiesoap7 · 10/11/2018 10:38

Please keep the baby 🌺

Troels · 10/11/2018 10:57

You keep it chances are he leaves and you do it alone. You terminate when you really don't want to, it's pretty much the end anyway as you will come resent him for pushing it. Do what you want only, you're the one who's pregnant and only you can decide.

Idkwtf · 10/11/2018 11:01

This is very difficult I don't think he has the right to tell you what to do but you have to consider the long-term implications of each choice
I really wish you the best

Glasgowbound · 10/11/2018 11:09

I feel sorry for your dilemma but the idea that a 40 year old woman doesn’t need contraception is crazy. Did he think there was contraception? Did you tell him you couldn’t conceive, or was he gambling like you?
Can you visualise yourself having the termination and continuing your plans with him, or will that kill how you feel for him?

Harpingon · 10/11/2018 11:32

Personally I would put the existing children first and terminate but it is absolutely your decision and I wish you the best.

Dowser · 10/11/2018 11:36

I would never choose a partner over a baby
37 years ago I was in your position
Pregnant with third child
No one wanted me to keep it..except me
I didn’t have another little girl that I would have liked ..I had a boy with slight special needs who has been nothing but a comfort to me after his father upped and left me after 30 year marriage and who has provided me with three fabulous grandchildren.

Win win to me I think.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/11/2018 11:41

He is permitted to have the view he does not want any more kids just as you are permitted to have all manner of thoughts/ideas/doubts/hope about your pregnancy.

Personally I would be having a termination at the next available appointment. But it's your body and your choice.

pusspuss9 · 10/11/2018 12:03

Did he know you weren't taking precautions? I find it difficult to understand anybody who definitely does not want another child because of many valid reasons, does not take precautions.

If you alone decided on this risky route without telling him, then it's perfectly reasonable that he does not take precautions and it would be very unfair of you to have put him in this very difficult situation.

Hohocabbage · 10/11/2018 12:09

Why will the baby be a problem for the existing children? Op’s child must be almost 20, don’t know about the partner’s ones.

Idkwtf · 10/11/2018 12:21

I'm not sure that he can be allowed to have the view that he doesn't want more children
because actions speak louder than words and his actions (ie unprotected sex) told you that he didn't mind if he had more children

ISpeakJive · 10/11/2018 13:06

Did he know you weren’t on any protection?

Original poster
Ctenophora · 10/11/2018 13:59

I did tell him I was having the coil removed so he was aware that sex would be unprotected. I decided not to have aanother put in as i found it so traumatic and hormonal birth control was always a nightmare for me also. I think maybe my history of struggling to conceive in my 20's (my daughter is 14 now btw) made us both feel that it would not happen.
I feel like such an idiot for bring so naive and wish it hadn't happened.

OP posts:
heather1 · 10/11/2018 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FraterculaArctica · 10/11/2018 14:09

Reported the previous post.

dontalltalkatonce · 10/11/2018 14:10

I wouldn't terminate for a partner, but at 41 the risk of having a child with SN is higher. As long as you're okay with being a single parent and the possibility of a child with SN then crack on.

Original poster
Ctenophora · 10/11/2018 14:13

I'm rubbish with acronyms. What does SN stand for?

OP posts:
NatashaRomanov · 10/11/2018 14:16

You both knew sex was unprotected, yet continued to take part. Every adult knows that sex can result in pregnancy. He is allowed an opinion, but the decision rests on you. Could you do it all alone if he leaves? Would you want to?

Whatever you decide, good luck. X

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/11/2018 14:16

You say you aren't in a position emotionally and financially to have the baby on your own, do you really believe that OP?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/11/2018 14:16

SN = Special Needs

Original poster
Ctenophora · 10/11/2018 14:21

Ok, I know what SN means now 😔

OP posts:
CircleofWillis · 10/11/2018 14:21

Which post Frat?

CantWaitToRetire · 10/11/2018 14:22

SN = special needs

Poppylizzyrose · 10/11/2018 14:29

Make yourself a cup of tea Brew

Think long and hard about your options and what the baby will mean to you. I’m single and pregnant, our ages are different and I’m not with the father but I had a choice to make. You can respect his wishes and think about them but it is your body.

You ultimately have to decide which course of action to take. Please don’t let him pressure you, if he isn’t being kind he’s not the good man he seems!

Wish you the best of luck OP. Flowers