Pregnant at 41 with second baby. Partner wants me to terminate

[Ctenophora]

I have been in a fantastic and loving relationship with my partner for almost 4 years and have recently found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant. I was not using any contraception (naively perhaps) after having my copper coil removed in August, as I thought that being so much older and overweight I wouldn't conceive, add to that it took me over 2 years to conceive my daughter in my 20's! I informed my partner exoecting him to be overjoyed but he is anything but. We both already have children from previous marriages (I have 1, he's has 2) so I guess this would be the time of our lives to look forward to focussing on ourselves and our future lives together. This pregnancy has come out of the blue for both of us as we had plans made for next year etc.. My partner has for very valid reasons said that because of the difficulties he has had with maintaining contact with his existing children, having this baby would be about the worst thing that could happen right now. My dilemma is that should I keep the baby against his wishes, I am not in a financially or emotionally stable enough position (after raising my older child mostly alone) to boldly begin life again as a single parent, should he leave me to it. I am constantly swinging from knowing that a termination would logically be the right thing to do, to feeling emotional ( damm hormones) imagining what our baby would be like and how amazing it would be to have that in our lives again.
Time is ticking away and I want to make my decision without letting my older child know or sense what is going on.

The one one with a web link (I've also reported).

If I were you I'd terminate. My child rearing years are behind me.

Did you secretly want to get pregnant? 41 is still young and you were not taking any precautions. A baby and sleepless nights, toddlerdom and tantrums place many relationships under strain.

I would terminate it. A mistake has been made on both your parts, and you're risking losing your wonderful partner of four years for a very difficult life raising a baby, alone, into your late 40s and 50s.

You said it's the logical thing to do, trust your logic.

You said you wish it hadn't happened. This says it all for me. I think you don't want this baby but are struggling with the idea of termination (maybe particularly so because it was so difficult to conceive when you wanted to and we're actually trying).
Do what you want to do, not what your partner wants to do. You say you would not be ok with becoming a single mother again. I think you know what you want to do

Why is the linky post worthy of reporting?

I don’t see him as wonderful. Putting pressure on any woman to have a termination isn’t wonderful. He may have valid reasons (not sure what they are) for not wanting a baby, but that’s reasons for not getting someone pregnant, not reasons for having an abortion when you didn’t use contraception.

You want this baby with his support. Do you want it without is the question. Can you still love him with zero resentment if you terminate? This is probably your last chance to make a decision like this. I don't think you can. Is your 14 year old happy with being an only child?

@FraterculaArctica reported which post?

Oh I it's the anti abortion lobby (or we say pro birth, but fuck all after)

Reported as well

MN won't delete it. I'm surprised.

I’m with Hoho. Wonderful men do take responsibility for contraception. What they don’t do is gamble on you getting PG them threaten to leave you when you do.

If I were you I’d write a list of the pros and cons of carrying on or terminating. A bit of a cliche I know but it may help you to come to a decision by yourself, without his influence.

I’ve reported the link too. What you need now is information and support for whatever you choose, not people who hold “abortion clinic vigils”.

If MNHQ won’t delete, has anyone got a pro-choice link where she can get some reliable information and support?

The thing is, you stand to lose him either way. Don’t base your decision on the affect it will have on your relationship.

Imagine being single again. Will you regret having or not having the baby more?

This is about YOU, not him, because either way YOU will be the one living with the decision whereas either way he can walk away.

I’d have the baby, it sounds like you’d love to, the practicalities will get sorted out, just as they did the first time.

www.bpas.org/ - Pro choice, abortion provider website. I had mine done with BPAS and it was a fine experience

I believe it's been deleted now,

I believe it's been deleted now, oh good

Thank you all for your perspectives. I think my regret at having fallen pregnant tells me a lot. When I initially saw the positive test I just felt numb, whereas when I find out I was pregnant many years ago with my daughter I felt ecstatic! I do think the fact that I had previously struggled to conceive does make me feel as though it would be somehow massively ungrateful of me to terminate this pregnancy. I do love kids and have loved motherhood but with my daughter now being 14 I think that potentially doing it all alone again at my age could potentially make me very miserable. If it had happened in my mid 30's or before, I would definitely have kept it. Just feel sad.

I have an appointment with Bpas nurse tomorrow to talk things through.

I really don't want to kick you when you're down but ffs what you've done is really stupid. That said I don't think your life and that of your daughter need be made more difficult if health and finances genuinely wouldn't support another child.

Bpas will help you think it through

I think you have to do whatever is best for you and your daughter. Your DP’s thoughts on this are not as important.
I hope your appointment goes well.

I think on balance I'd terminate if it were me, but not because of him, but because I wouldn't want to be a lone parent at that age if finances and health weren't the best. I also have teenagers, I'm a bit older than 41, though, and really wouldn't want to start again. We went on holiday last month and it was right before half term and man, all those toddlers and it just reminded me of what a faff it all is. No way.

If I was in that position- I too would terminate. High risk of special needs would be one factor. The thought of setting the clock back to zero is another factor. Finally for me would be the impact on the relationship. When this child would leave home at 18 you will be 60?

How would this impact your child now?
Also, you say you are not financially secure- having a child will only make that worse!

Personally termination would be my choice.

Only a personal experience but since there’s a lot of posters commenting on the age - I had dc2 at 42 and he brought so much to my life I will never regret him. I am not a single parent, though it isn’t a foregone conclusion that the OP would be either.

I had a child at 50 (ivf) whilst single and despite a short patch of post natal depression when I wondered what I'd done, I'm so glad I had him!he's a very happy 7 year old, and my older children are great with him.

That isn't to say that having the baby is right for you, but my age and uncertain finances haven't been issues and it's all worked out. I was very excited about the positive test though, and you don't sound it. I hope you make the decision that is right for you.

Tell him to piss off if you want to keep it. Yeah it'll be hard but isn't everything worth having.