Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is this even possible?

63 replies

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 05/11/2018 16:39

DM about to be discharged following a lengthy stay in hospital. She has been told she’ll need carers to come in 3 times a day to get her up, at lunch time, and to put her to bed.
She’s had a bad experience with carers before and so has told the social worker that I will do it. I’m her only child and live a 10 min drive from her. She’s on her own.
The thing is, I don’t know how the hell I will. I have 2 primary aged DC, and DH has a job where he is away for 2 weeks at a time, back for 2 weeks, then away for 2 weeks so for half the time I’m completely on my own with no support and that’s hard enough as it is.
She threw a fit when I told her I didn’t think I could do it, DH doesn’t think it’s even possible. It’s not is it?

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 05/11/2018 16:43

Nope, it’s too much on you. I get how your mum feels but she doesn’t really have any option.

And don’t feel bad about it. I’m sure you do all that you can.

icelollycraving · 05/11/2018 16:45

Do you work? If you do then that seems unlikely.
Could you do any of it? It may make it easier for her if she was seeing you everyday.

Asmallrole · 05/11/2018 16:50

Of course you can't ! The only thing you could do is lunch for her if it's not school holidays. Don't even start it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Twosmirkingducks · 05/11/2018 16:50

I agree with Nicky. I know your DM very much wants you to be her carer but even without two young DC and a partner that worked away half the month, it would be too much for one person to do day in day out. If you have contact details for your DMs social worker I think I’d tell her what you’ve said on here and maybe if she told DM how things are going to be, it would be easier.

Stickmangate · 05/11/2018 16:51

Do I think it possible yes. Do I think you will have any life outside of careing no. And you should not feel bad for say in no.
You will either have to be up really early to sort her out before school or do it after. You won’t be home (if at all) long before you are back there for lunchtime, then school pick up. Back home to make your dinner before going back in the evening.

If you would be putting her to bed who will wacth the children while you are at your mums. Also what happens during the holidays and god forbid if you want to go out for the day!

Toddlerteaplease · 05/11/2018 16:53

You need to speak to the ward discharge coordinator and say that it's just not possible.

thebear1 · 05/11/2018 16:57

Mil told SS the same about dh and his siblings. They couldn't do it so had to contact SS and explain. She made them feel guilty but they also realized that she was being unreasonable to expect it.

Original poster

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 05/11/2018 17:02

That’s what I think - it’s just unreasonable. I should add that I work from home PT, I’m in the early days of setting up a language tutoring business.
DM is laying the guilt on thick. Apparently I should do it as I’m her daughter. I know it’s all because she had a run in with the previous carers. It’s just so hard her laying the guilt on so thick.

OP posts:

UrsulaPandress · 05/11/2018 17:05

Gosh that's a lot to ask of you. I know my friend is currently doing this for her mum, but she is not going to recover, and she has just booked a local care agency to do 4 mornings to give her a bit of a break.

Owlwantstoshare · 05/11/2018 17:09

Maybe just acknowledge what she’s sayIng ie “ I know you really want me to do this DM but I’m on my own with two small children for 2 weeks of each month and I just can’t get to yours at either end of the day and get them to ready and to school and back. I can’t do what needs doing. I know it’s not what you want but the amount of support you need at the moment makes it impossible.”

HollowTalk · 05/11/2018 17:11

Why did she have a run in with the last lot of carers? Is the sort of woman who could have a fight in an empty room?

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 05/11/2018 17:13

You don’t mention what if you have a good relationship with your DM- even if you do, an arrangement like this would put paid to that.

She’s asking A LOT of you. I know a family who tried a similar set up for their elderly DM- they had four siblings who were taking it turn about to be responsible for each day- it lasted a matter of months before they each realised it just wasn’t sustainable, and arranged carers.

You don’t say what her long term health is likely to be like, but if she’s in her 70s this could be your life for the next 15+ years if you agree to this.

EastMidsGPs · 05/11/2018 17:18

Please put your foot down and refuse now.
My mother very selfishly put me in this situation last year. Refused and continues to refuse all help. I am now providing more care than she was assessed for as she has become increasingly frail and confused.
I say again please refuse.

Once you are doing it, it is really hard to get out of it as support networks are hard to form.
I have worn to a frazzle and am convinced I will go to an early grave due to the stress.

blitzen · 05/11/2018 17:21

I don't think it's possible. You would burn out. Better to get the carers in, and by all means pop in to see her every day. This means the time you spend with her will be quality time rather than doing caring, cleaning etc. If she can afford it, get a cleaner, explore meals on wheels etc. Hope you can resolve it 💐

Tiredmum100 · 05/11/2018 17:22

Don't do it. She will be fine once her package of care starts and she gets use to her carers. I work as a community nurse and have seen family burnt out from caring for their relatives. Just reinforce you will still be visiting her, helping out etc, but you can't make the commitment of every day.

blitzen · 05/11/2018 17:22

(Or consider sheltered accommodation where carers are on site and there's plenty of company around)

Original poster

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 05/11/2018 17:24

She’s 69. Pretty hard going to be honest. She’s very woe is my and quick to misinterpret things to be a slight on her. I maintain my relationship with her mainly so the DC have a relationship with her.
Her health is poor, she’s been in and out of hospital a lot due to infections. She walks with a walker. She eats very poorly and does no exercise, not even the physio ones from the hospital.
However, as she says I am her daughter. And she has no one else.

OP posts:

EastMidsGPs · 05/11/2018 17:29

Carers won't get or put up with the emotional blackmail and guilt tripping your DM will try on you (mine too is difficult and brilliant at this 😃)
Keep repeating to yourself I am your daughter not her carer
She'll get used to the carers and will enjoy their visits.

shiningstar2 · 05/11/2018 18:19

Very difficult for you. I would try to get over every day at first at some point so that the carers meet you. Your mother might feel less vunerable if she feels family is giving an eye to what's going on in her home. Don't begin doing any caring tasks just link your visit to bringing a bit of shopping in or collecting a little washing. After the first week make it every other day. I found that once my mother had accepted the carers she felt I was looking after her by doing the things which were easiest for me...no problem getting shopping while i was doing some of my own or pushing a bit of washing in with mine. Never ironed it lol. I pushed a hoover around occasionally while was visiting anyway...down to twice a week by third week...but all at times and days which suited me. The main thing is not to commit to the caring role which necessitates 3 visits a day. It is not sustainable and can't be tapered down/off like other types of helping. Good luck

Original poster

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 07/11/2018 19:12

Rehab nurse had a look at DM’s house today. She’ll have to buy a single bed and have a lot of furniture moved round as she’s not fit enough to use the stairlift and will have to sleep downstairs. Rehab nurse says her best option is to go into a rehab centre for 24 hour care for a few weeks, as otherwise she’ll need 2 carers to go in 4 times a day.
DM point blank refused, said that she’s absolutely not going into a rehab centre and that I’ll be caring for her at home. She’s refusing to participate with the physio in hospital, says she just wants to lie in bed.
Rehab nurse has arranged a case review with doctors, social worker, her, DM and me for tomorrow morning.
DM is seeming unhinged, threatened to throw her bowl of soup across the room. Says she’d rather be bedridden forever than go to the rehab centre or have carers.
Am at my wit’s end and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

bringbackthestripes · 07/11/2018 19:22

What is her objection to rehab centre?

Original poster

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 07/11/2018 19:26

She wants to be in her own home and doesn’t want to do the exercises they’ll make her do.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 07/11/2018 19:30

It’s been explained to her it’s only for a few weeks, she’ll get better more quickly, will make a stronger recovery so she will be less likely to end up back in hospital, she won’t have to pay for it as it’s likely she’ll end up having to pay for carers after 6 weeks (ís refusing to pay), that it’s not a care home, she can come out for the day at weekends and her birthday. She knows the rehab centre is nice as my DGM spent some time there after a fall. But she’s absolutely, violently adamant she’s not going there.

OP posts:

EggysMom · 07/11/2018 19:34

Make sure you stand your ground in the meeting tomorrow. Keep repeating the mantras - I am your daughter, not your carer; no, I cannot do what you are asking.

She will try to use the 'public' meeting to guilt trip you. Be prepared for that. Do not give an inch. Don't say you could do it for only two weeks, or you could do the lunchtimes. You cannot do it.

Oldieandgoldie · 07/11/2018 19:35

We had a similar scenario with lots of expectations and threats. It was the hardest time (years!) of my life. Great for weight loss, but not so good for alcohol consumption!! I used to explain, argue, dictate etc, but in the end I found it easier to just say ‘yes, ok, I’ll see what I can do, what the doctor says, but just now I have to go shopping for you, or get back to baby xyz, etc. I’ll see you tomorrow/next week. Don’t engage, don’t argue. I wasn’t very good at following this advice, but I did learn, and it did make it (slightly!) easier. Good luck, and take care of YOU!

Flip

1 2 3