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Original poster

Is this even possible?

63 replies

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 05/11/2018 16:39

DM about to be discharged following a lengthy stay in hospital. She has been told she’ll need carers to come in 3 times a day to get her up, at lunch time, and to put her to bed.
She’s had a bad experience with carers before and so has told the social worker that I will do it. I’m her only child and live a 10 min drive from her. She’s on her own.
The thing is, I don’t know how the hell I will. I have 2 primary aged DC, and DH has a job where he is away for 2 weeks at a time, back for 2 weeks, then away for 2 weeks so for half the time I’m completely on my own with no support and that’s hard enough as it is.
She threw a fit when I told her I didn’t think I could do it, DH doesn’t think it’s even possible. It’s not is it?

OP posts:

Oldieandgoldie · 07/11/2018 19:37

Obviously don’t say ‘I’ll see what I can do’ to the staff, or social services. That’s just to your mum.

VictoriaBun · 07/11/2018 19:38

Seeing your latest post, you need to adopt tough love. She's dug in her heels and you will have to do the same.
Tell her you are away on a course on some days, or that you have hospital appointments/other commitments etc.

Knittedfairies · 07/11/2018 19:45

Please please make it quite clear to everyone at the case review tomorrow that you cannot do what your mother is asking; it’s just not possible. Don’t promise anything; not that you’ll ‘pop in’ every day/ do the evening shift or whatever. Stay calm, and firm.

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Thecurtainsofdestiny · 07/11/2018 19:58

Well if she needs 2 carers 4 times a day then you definitely couldn't do it, even if you didn't have all those other responsibilities.

AhAgain · 07/11/2018 20:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WhyAmISoCold · 07/11/2018 20:24

Do not let her emotionally blackmail into this and make it clear in the meeting that you are not being the carer. Tough if she doesn't want certain things, she sounds very difficult.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 07/11/2018 21:02

What does she expect you to do on a night with your children??

Original poster

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 07/11/2018 21:04

She said I can bring them with me and they can watch a film whilst I’m caring for her

OP posts:

Original poster

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 07/11/2018 21:05

I’m going to be very firm in the meeting. The rehab nurse completely agrees I can’t care for her, but I’m not sure what’s going to happen if she refuses any other option.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 07/11/2018 21:11

As soon as you tell the health care professionals that you have two primary aged children, they’ll know you can’t do it.
It’s not a choice, your hands are tied and your primary responsibility is to your children.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/11/2018 22:24

I’m going to be very firm in the meeting

I think you're being very wise, but please bear in mind that your DM may regard it as an opportunity for the doctor/SS to "show you what you've got to do"

It won't be easy to stay calm if she shouts, rants and cries when thwarted, but it's absolutely crucial you don't weaken. Even a suggestion of popping in each day could lead SS to deem you her carer, which clearly wouldn't be the best thing for either of you

It probably won't be pleasant, but I wish you the very best of luck

Owlwantstoshare · 07/11/2018 22:43

Wishing you lots of luck for the meeting tomorrow. Stand firm and don’t cave in if DM throws a tantrum or goes for emotional blackmail. It sounds as if she’s not going to be very cooperative with any professionals but I suspect she would be just as difficult with you caring for her. Professionals are trained and paid to try to help all patients and will be used to those who are stubborn and tricky . You absolutely can’t do this. It will break you and it’s utterly unfair that your DM expects it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/11/2018 14:12

Hope you're okay OP, and that the meeting this morning went as well as it could

llangennith · 08/11/2018 14:52

My DM insisted my sister looked after her. She wouldn't have outside help. . Initially Dsis went in during her lunch break but DM grew more and more demanding and vile. It nearly destroyed my Dsis's family life. After a few years Dsis couldn't cope so just stopped going to DM's. After a week DM had to phone social services and accept help, she then refused to have anything to do with Dsis which at least meant Dsis didn't have to feel guilty. We were both relieved when she died.

bringbackthestripes · 08/11/2018 15:15

I get that she wants to be in her own home but why would she rather be bed bound than do the exercises? Is she a bit depressed do you think? Could you speak to the dr or nurse about the possibility next time you see her?

Have you tried telling her that if she is bed bound she will have to be in a nursing home for round the clock care so will never be back in her own home? That might shock her into accepting care or rehab.
How did the meeting go?

Troels · 08/11/2018 15:38

Don't back down. She is being very unreasonable. The rehab team know this. Keep repeating NO and stick to it. You will end up having a breakdown from being run ragged with Dh gone two weeks at a time.

Hidingtonothing · 08/11/2018 15:48

Hope it went ok OP, have been through similar with DGP’s so know how hard it is not to buckle under the guilt

Original poster

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 09/11/2018 12:55

It’s not gone very well.
Yesterday at the meeting the first thing she said to me was ‘I intend to win’. It took an hour of 4 health care professionals explaining the benefits of the rehab centre to her in the case review meeting before she finally agreed to give it a 2 week trial. She was behaving like a child, just whining and saying she wanted to go back to bed right now.
The matron from the rehab centre visited today and DM told her that she wasn’t going to the rehab centre after all. So
The place has been withdrawn and is going to someone else who is really keen to go there.
The rehab nurse says it’s the end of it now, she has to go home and have carers at home.
DM is now saying that if I won’t help then she’s expecting her 70 year old brother who has stage 4 cancer will have to come and help her. He’s helping me now as we have to somehow find a single bed for her to go downstairs (not easy on a Friday afternoon!), and moving furniture around.
I’m furious at her. I’m tempted to say if she won’t help herself then I won’t help her anymore.

OP posts:

GetSomeGumption · 09/11/2018 13:22

I’m tempted to say if she won’t help herself then I won’t help her anymore.

This.

She is an adult and, presuming she has capacity, makes her own decisions. That includes making bad decisions that people don't agree with.

You need to stand firm or this will destroy you. I watched my own mother have a mental breakdown after years of running around after my grandmother who never once said thank you or engaged with the family (we were late primary aged kids when it began) whose childhood she ruined.

You owe it to your own family. Do not let this woman manipulate you like this.

magimedi · 09/11/2018 14:04

So sorry for you.

Gumption is totally right. You have to stand firm right from now or your life is going to be utter hell.

GetSomeGumption · 09/11/2018 14:25

My mother would be the first one to tell you not to do it. She has realised that by helping my grandmother out so much she actually made my grandmother more dependent rather than (as she thought) helping her to stay independent. She also lost the mother/daughter relationship. My grandmother became quite vile to my mother. Almost like a teenager/parent relationship. She idolised my 3 aunts who were very hands off and my mother was the one to shout at.

My mum has also fallen out now with her 3 sisters. A lot of resentment has built up- from my mum losing 15 years of her life, to my aunts who now have to help out and resent having it impact their lives.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/11/2018 15:24

I'm so sorry OP, but not entirely surprised. I detest this kind of selfishness and your DM's behaving in a deeply unpleasant manner; the "I intend to win" was especially revealing, and clearly she expects to guilt you into bending the knee

The good news is that the rehab nurses agree you can't be expected to do this, so it will probably have to be as you say: "if she won’t help herself then I won’t help her anymore"

Are you prepared to actually say that to her? I absolutely understand it won't be easy, but in the end it's the only way you'll get her to accept help, which will be better for everyone - you included

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/11/2018 15:36

The rehab nurse says it’s the end of it now, she has to go home and have carers at home

I just thought - have they committed to arranging for the carers before she's discharged?

You need to be very careful here as, irrespective of the rehab nurse's views, it can easily become a case of you caring for her "just while carers are put in place", only for that to never happen

From experience I can tell you the only way to avoid this is to say, very simply, that you're not available. Fudge the dates your DH will be away if you have to, but for pity's sake don't allow the situation above to arise or you'll have an even harder job escaping from it

Original poster

WhattodoWhattodo2 · 09/11/2018 15:47

Yes, she’s not leaving till Monday as that’s the earliest we can get the bed delivered, by which time hopefully the care package will be in place. Whether she cooperates with the carers remains to be seen.

OP posts:

milkymoonshine · 09/11/2018 15:53

OP I am seconding everyone here who says to stand firm. You cannot provide ANY care. Not ANY, and you need to state this to everyone involved until you're blue in the face.

Please be very careful of social services here - do not give them an inch. They are very good at manipulating the situation (as a PP says) and getting you to do 'the interim' until a care plan is put into place. This is what happened to me, and I subsequently ended up providing care for a family member for over three years. I had to leave my job, never saw my friends, and felt I had no say in my own life. The family member I cared for refused everything but the bare minimum of help from other agencies. They would tell social services, consultants, the GP, etc that I would help with this/that, and not once did they check with me that was ok. It only stopped due to my relative's medical needs becoming so advanced that they had to go into a home, and me getting pregnant around the same time.

You have enough to do already running your own household. You know the extreme sleep deprivation you get with young babies? I would chose that anytime over being a carer. It is the most exhausting, thankless thing I have ever done. I'm sure if the person isn't demanding or ungrateful things are different but that doesn't sound like the case with your mum, and believe me, even if you did everything it still wouldn't be enough! Good luck.

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