Is this even possible?

[WhattodoWhattodo2]

DM about to be discharged following a lengthy stay in hospital. She has been told she’ll need carers to come in 3 times a day to get her up, at lunch time, and to put her to bed.
She’s had a bad experience with carers before and so has told the social worker that I will do it. I’m her only child and live a 10 min drive from her. She’s on her own.
The thing is, I don’t know how the hell I will. I have 2 primary aged DC, and DH has a job where he is away for 2 weeks at a time, back for 2 weeks, then away for 2 weeks so for half the time I’m completely on my own with no support and that’s hard enough as it is.
She threw a fit when I told her I didn’t think I could do it, DH doesn’t think it’s even possible. It’s not is it?

she’s not leaving till Monday as that’s the earliest we can get the bed delivered, by which time hopefully the care package will be in place

Let's hope so, but I've got visions of arrangements being delayed "because it was the weekend" and an insistence that "it really will be sorted by the end of the week if you could just ..."

Of course, if it suited, you could also say that the bed hadn't been sorted either "because of the weekend"

Forgive my cynicism here, but as I've said it's on the basis of painful experience

Agree with the above. Do not agree to anthing, even temporarily. While she is in hospital there will be a push to get everything sorted as the bed is needed. If you are providing "temporary" relief then she will fall off the radar because she is being sorted.

Hope you're okay @WhattodoWhattodo2 ... did anything get sorted over the weekend?

Bloody hell, what a horrible situation

Hope you’ve managed to make progress today

Sounds exactly like my MIL!

Take all the advice given, and stay tough. What she wants is simply impossible. The fact that she thinks it is, leads me to wonder if she really has capacity to make decisions about her own care needs. Have you raised this with any of the hospital staff?

Also, do you have Power of Attorney for her?

Second not being the temporary stop gap for caring package that never materialises.

Hello, popping in with an update. It's all crap.
DM came out of hospital late on Friday. Her brother, my uncle, is staying in her house to help, sleeping in her old room upstairs. I'm not happy about this as he has stage 4 cancer and really shouldn't be exerting himself. She's already been getting him to help her around in and out of chairs and to the toilet which he shouldn't be doing by himself.
The care package is in place. The carers are very good. She's having the maximum free care available (2 carers 4 times a day). However, the carers think she actually needs 24 hour care. She won't pay for this.
She's meant to be sleeping downstairs. Turns out the bed the hospital rushed us into buying is the wrong sort, she needs a proper hospital bed with sides (this was not told to us at all, the said just to get any bog standard single bed that we could get same day). The district nurse is trying to help us get one.
DM won't sleep in the existing bed as she's scared of falling out. So she's been sleeping sitting up in a chair. She can't really get in or out of the chair to get to her commode so has just been tending to wet herself in the chair. So the chair will be out of action very soon.
The physio she would have received straight away in the rehab centre is going to take 6 weeks to secure. So she will need carers past 6 weeks at which point she will have to pay. She refuses to pay.
This is all taking a great toll on my uncle, who has his own health issues obviously. He says he can't cope but we don't know where to turn for help. He's making an appointment to see his GP on Monday to see if he can help.
I'm so angry. I do have power of attorney for DM, both medical and financial. I do wonder about her capacity. She is no longer able to handle her own money (her brother sorts it out for her once a week). She says she can't possibly fill in the form from social services re the assessment for payment of the care package, she just doesn't understand it so wants me to do it.
At the hospital the rehab nurse was quite clear that she has capacity hence why her decision to reject the rehab centre had to stand. But I'm wondering if she does actually. How do you tell?
Argh it's all so shit.

Well, I guess the good news is that at least the 4x daily carers are in place, but it's unfortunate that she's chosen to use your very poorly uncle for her own, deeply selfish reasons - and, in a way, even more unfortunate that he's agreed to do it

I'm no expert in POA though I understand the basics, but on the capacity thing would it be worth speaking to her GP to arrange a formal assessment?

Overall your best bet might be if she ends up back in hospital, so that a better solution like a full time care home becomes the only option ... and if her support's not sufficient that's increasingly likely to happen

Impossible. You are her daughter, not her carer and if you were to do this you would end up very resentful of her. You may be her only child but you didn’t choose that to be the case.
There is a good reason that the caring industry is burning out, it’s hard work, even with a team.
It’s simply not sustainable whilst trying to be a mum etc as well, even without everything else it would be very challenging.
Sounds like she saw off previous carers from what you’ve said, we all have to accept that whilst we are living longer, that quality of life not not be as we would wish and we may need to accept help when the time comes
Please say no, for your health, sanity and relationships with your Mum, children and husband

You must did you heels in and be firm
do not let her selfishness ruin your life

If you have power of attorney, can't you organise any payments necessary?

I mean a power of attorney has been set up but not invoked. Sorry, I worded it wrong. I meant she has agreed for me to have power of attorney eventually and we have to document all drawn up, but it’s not been activated.

I mean we have the document all drawn up. But until she no longer has capacity I don’t actually have the power of attorney. My uncle and I will share the power of attorney.