I wish I'd given the beggar money.

[palomapear]

Yesterday I was in Cambridge shopping. It's a lovely city. Lots of good shops. Lots of tourists but lots of homeless.
DH and I had just walked out of a travel agent when I teenage girl very nicely said to me
'Excuse me could you give me some money for a cold drink please?'
She had a very blemished face, but maybe not acne?. She looked maybe 15 or 16. She could have been a friend of my DS. I don't notice what she was wearing.
I was so surprised I just said ' No' in a slightly sarcastic tone.
I am totally consumed with guilt. I could easily have given her a few quid. I keep thinking about her and wondering what her story is? And then I cry. I've been thinking about her all the time.
I feel like I want to go back and look for her. Ask her questions. Look after her.
I keep telling myself she may not be genuine but I can't let go I should have done something.
I don't remember ever feeling this upset about this sort of thing. I've seen it all before. I've put stuff in food banks. I've dropped money in cups etc.
Why have I let it hit me so hard? I'm still crying 24 hours later.

@palomapear bless you. We all get flustered on the spot your not a bad person, it's normal to feel guilty because your over thinking about it. Try not to be so hard on yourself x

I won't say what I think as you're upset and guilty enough. This'll have to be a case of I can think what I like but I can't write what I like

I'm almost on tears here myself thinking about the poor little lamb.
I wonder what brought her go where she is. The thought of her out on freezing cold is utterly heart breaking.

I volunteer lots for homeless charities, I haven’t done so much this year but last year every week, I was helping out at a pop up street kitchen.

Do not feel bad, I don’t want to tarnish all homeless people. However lots will and do have their ways to get you to give them money (it’s called a patter), the money you give them is mostly likely going into a substance.

I have had to break up fights, where people have been trying to swap out reach bags full of food, for drugs. We had one gentleman who was selling on his clothes and sleeping bag we had to replace EVERY week, for drugs. We had to turn him away in the end.

I absolutely keep volunteering and want to help as much as I can, although you really need a hard face though because it’s not a virtues path at all. You are constantly juggling between helping and dealing with some real talented “beggars”.

Pop some change or donate some blankets, clothes or socks to your local homeless charity would be my suggestion. Xx

I never really know what to do about begging. Sometimes I give money, sometimes I don't.
I know the general opinion is it is best not because it can go on drugs but sometimes I just think I don't care if it does, if that is what their life entails.
I can't take my reply and refusal back unless I spend the rest of my spare time in Cambridge looking for her.
Which I genuinely feel like doing. The fact it's 50mils away, I work full time and have kids hasn't stopped this thought spinning in my head.

Donate to shelter or another local homeless charity - that really is the best thing to do.

Definitely give to homeless charities. There are too many young people begging for drugs or controlled by gangs--you're not helping by giving them money.

Keep some smal bags of nuts, haribo or protein bars in your bag if you are worried about being asked again. Simply say you don’t have any cash but you can have one if these.

Lots of substance abusing homeless haven’t had any food for days, a small package of something high in calories that they can’t exchange for more drugs could actually be a life saver xx

I live in Cambridge and while there is a homeless problem there is also a lot of support going on for the homeless through Jimmy's, Winter Comfort and various other initiatives. What I always hear is that giving cash to the homeless is a real no-no. Encouraging them to contact one of the existing supports and giving money to those places instead is much more productive.

There are a couple in Petty Cury in Cambridge who have a master who comes along and takes their money , probably in return for drugs.

I do understand your emotions about this, and have felt the same myself in the past. In this situation it's quite possible she wasn't homeless at all, just ran out of money on a shopping trip, or it could be that she is homeless and is already known to the homeless shelters.

When you say you didn’t notice what she was wearing, do you mean until after you reply or not at all? Only as from what you sayt the girl may not be homeless, blemished skin isn’t uncommon around teenage years, and she could just have been thirsty, had no money on her and thought I’ll ask some people for spare change (I’ve done it before at the parking meter and had to ask if anyone had a spare 20p as I didn’t have enough change and I’m definitely not homeless)

If you do still feel guilty though, do as others have said and make a donation to a charity, maybe see if there is any that specialise in helping the young on the streets?

In the past I knew a lot of beggers, and worked in shelters etc.

I now never give money to people begging. I give money to well run organisations, and to drug and alcohol agencies.

I firmly believe that discouraging begging helps people in a much healthier way. Many younger beggers are there for older people who take their money, and get drugs for them etc. Younger people and girls make more money on the streets, so they are encouraged to do it. You can make more money than you think in the streets but it goes into a nasty cycle of exploitation and addiction. At least the big issue regulated and gave people some structure, and busking gives people a sense of worth.

So you did th right thing OP. Give your money to barnados it an organization that does street outreach.

My last reply was riddled with spelling mistakes sorry! Hoe you get the sentiment. Any small snacks on your handbag would help though.

Funsize chocolate bars, cereal bars, individually wrapped biscuits. Etc.

Much better than cash and will hopefully ease your conscious next time. Xx

www.cambridge.gov.uk/street-aid-help-for-homeless-people

I didn't notice what she was wearing at all. She may have had acne but it may not have...I thought drugs but I don't know. Maybe she just needed a drink and thought there's a friendly mum type lady.
I'm not sure why she has sunk into my conscience quite this much. I sort of hope she was a con artist as I was coming out of a travel agents and broke people probably won't come out of there. It was busty she could have asked anyone.
I wish Cambridge was more local. I'd go back.
An assistant in shop told me there were organised gangs in Cambridge. But even if she is, it's a crap life.
We do donate to several charities, drop stuff in food banks, but maybe that's because it's an easy option? I'm time poor but have enough money to donate.

Thanks for the link @Orangepear

It doesn’t matter whether she was a ‘con’ or not, it is a crap life either way. However giving her money directly will not help her in any way and makes her life worse.

I was going into my local Aldi last week and a young girl of around 20 asked for money. I didn’t have change but said I’d buy her some food. It was raining and she was just carrying a blanket. I bought sandwiches, sausage rolls, crisps, chocolate, drinks butcshe had gone when I got back out. I walked around for 30 minutes trying to find her as she really struck me as being vulnerable...I didn’t find her unfortunately. I also had a similar situation a month ago. I asked how old she was, it was dark and I’d just come out of hairdressers. She said 24. Again, I said I’d buy her food but she really wasn’t interested. I looked on my phone for local homeless shelter and called it. They said they had rooms and I offered to take her but she refused. I became aware of an older guy hanging around and felt vulnerable myself. I’m sure it was drug related. I feel so lucky and have 2 teens who have so much, it seems like such an unfair world and like life is a lottery. I’m thinking of volunteering in a homeless shelter but life is so busy with work full time. I get where your coming from but don’t beat yourself up xx

Thanks @TheBlahWitchProject

You seem to have experienced exactly what I feel.

Yes I do get the urge to quick fix the girls life. Getting food is a good idea. However mostly this is not what they want.

Unfortunately the emotional response from seeing such an unhappy girl is just what plays into the vicious cycle they are in -money at any cost and drugs - and down they go.

Definitely worth giving money to outreach though. They and other agencies actually do offer a way out.

Money directly to a beggar does not. Sadly.

I was on my way to the newsagents a few weeks ago at 6am and found a crying, shivering woman sat outside the church waiting until it opened at 8am.

I was so alarmed I took her home, banged up the heating full volume, put her in my friends coat and made her coffee until everything opened at 8am. That had a happy ending really as she didn't take anything, got in contact with the numbers I'd googled for her, didn't ask me for money and we keep in contact. I think she has some MH/alcohol issues but she's very sweet and wants to live near me! Really hoping things work out for her.

It can tug at your heart strings sometimes. She's called Bubbles :) (her nickname)

I said no to a man begging at cars at traffic lights last week. He shouted ‘you fat ugly cunt’ at me. I saw him spit on another car. He looked very down on his luck so I did feel very sorry for him but I also felt a bit shaken by his anger.

This happened to me years ago. We had just had a lovely day out in Brighton and were waiting for the bus home outside Wimbledon Station. There was a tiny girl huddled in a doorway, not even begging, she only looked about 15. We got chatting to her and got her some food, a hot drink and some fags. She told us she was sleeping there as it was too dangerous for young girls to sleep in some of the busier spots. Our bus came and we gave her a tenner IIRC and she started to cry. Once we got home I just couldn't get her out of my head. We went back looking for her but she was gone. That must be twenty years ago now and I still wish I'd done more.

I work in a big city where there is a lot of homeless people. I tend to give food to people who are sitting down begging not ones that look drugged up and come up to your face asking for money when at cash point etc. i was told by someone who works for a charity if they look like nails dirty etc more likely to be on streets.
Sometimes i make pack lunches with sandwiches, crisps, fruit, chocolate etc and give to an old man that sits on outskirts of city and never asks for anything. I have been conned in the past though like i gave food and drink to a young lad and then found out from a security guard that he had a home and car and earned his money by begging. I also offered a man a packed lunch and he said i
he would rather a subway! It is very sad all the homeless people there is but you cant help everyone all in one go.

OP, your story really struck a cord with me.
I was homeless at the age of 19/20 in the West Midlands around 15 years ago.
It was due to my own stupidity. I was at uni and spent all my loan, maxed out my overdraft, even though I worked, I frittered my money away so I didn't have enough to pay my rent or bills. Eventually (and quite rightly) my housemates had enough and two days before I was due to move into a new house during my third year, I was told very seriously that I wouldn't be moving in.
I was too proud to go back home- my mum had kept saying in the holidays when I was home that she'd wanted me to go and that she no longer wanted me.
I was very alternative and had in the weeks leading up to my departure from the house, befriended a girl who sold the big issue at our uni. She lived in a tent and I lived in a separate tent alongside her for around a year behind a block of flats in some woodland. She got me started with the big issue. Although at the time I was so ashamed I would go over to the other side of the city to sell it. It used to take all my courage to stand there and sell it.
I remember also the looks I was given by people in the areas as winter drew in and my clothes became tattier and I looked more unkempt. I had just done some laundry at the laundrette and was carrying it back in a bin liner and one of the residents in the flats screamed and ranted and raved at me in the middle of the high street. I was so shocked.
Unfortunately the girl I was with suffered mental health issues and liked her drugs. I was never put into harms way but I did meet some very questionable characters. She also started to be very controlling where was I going? She would threaten to kill her self if I didn't come back.
I was terrified of all the rats in the area due to the campsite being by the river and it being a student area. After a year I made contact with someone who worked in a hostel and ran away from her. I spent some time after that very low. I did learn my lesson and have rebuilt my life. I now have a good job, a lovely DH and two DD's and bought a house in 2016.
My point is that you really don't know people's stories. A lot of people say oh it's drugs but she may have been running away from abuse, violence.
You sound very kind hearted OP and it's obviously played on your mind. I always take or buy food for homeless people now as I think it's more helpful than money.
I don't ever talk about my experience but writing that out has been quite carthaic.