I wish I'd given the beggar money.

[palomapear]

Yesterday I was in Cambridge shopping. It's a lovely city. Lots of good shops. Lots of tourists but lots of homeless.
DH and I had just walked out of a travel agent when I teenage girl very nicely said to me
'Excuse me could you give me some money for a cold drink please?'
She had a very blemished face, but maybe not acne?. She looked maybe 15 or 16. She could have been a friend of my DS. I don't notice what she was wearing.
I was so surprised I just said ' No' in a slightly sarcastic tone.
I am totally consumed with guilt. I could easily have given her a few quid. I keep thinking about her and wondering what her story is? And then I cry. I've been thinking about her all the time.
I feel like I want to go back and look for her. Ask her questions. Look after her.
I keep telling myself she may not be genuine but I can't let go I should have done something.
I don't remember ever feeling this upset about this sort of thing. I've seen it all before. I've put stuff in food banks. I've dropped money in cups etc.
Why have I let it hit me so hard? I'm still crying 24 hours later.

We had a man living in our bus shelter for some weeks. The school children all gave him their packed lunches, sweets, crisps etc, which was rather lovely. I came home early one very cold morning and couldn't stop thinking about him so made a couple of bacon rolls and a huge insulated mug of tea and walked up there. Only to find that the Police had moved him on a matter of minutes before and on the instructions of the Parish council who didn't want such a person in 'their' village. I was furious.. he hadn't even managed to collect all his bedding.. he had done no harm, the children were being wonderful and surely learning a life lesson from him, why the hell couldn't they have left him alone? I gather he was piled onto a bus to the nearest town and we never saw him again :(

What @LanguidLobster did was very sweet but potentially pretty dangerous. I really hope nobody would read this and decide to do the same. It would be much better to contact a local charity and get the person help that way.

the children were being wonderful and surely learning a life lesson from him

What life lesson were they learning?

Sorry to disagree but it was a good thing he got moved on and can potentially go somewhere he can actually get help instead of sleeping in the bus shelter. He may have been harmless but not everyone is. Desperation pushes people to extreme limits.

Thanks all so much for commenting. It helped me to get it all down.
I found myself looking for live web cams for Cambridge today. Nothing that covers where I saw her.
I still can't shake it off.
I'm still in tears today 48hours on and no matter how much money I donate or what charity I give too. I still did a horrible thing.
I'm just hoping there's feeling will fade.

She'll have heard much worse than being told No op. Donate to an applicable charity and try not to worry.

OP,

What about filling an old handbag or shoe box with feminine toiletries, sanitary wear, gloves etc if you can’t find her I’m sure there will be someone just as in much need. Don’t feel bad, it wasn’t her being homeless that surprised you - it was her age, as a mother it would have affected you.

Or if you have spare time to volunteer at a local soup kitchen or shelter? Or rally friends and family to donate sleeping bags, tents etc.

That way you’ve gone much further than giving someone a pound - no, it may not reach the girl in question but it will be so gratefully received. Maybe local shelters will know of her though?

I’m involved in a couple of organisations working with homeless people in Cambridge. As a result, I don’t donate cash directly to people in the streets. It’s a complex issue, but on the whole, people’s need is not for cash, but for long-term professional support systems. We do have some great work going on in Cambridge.

I live in Cambridge, most of them are not homeless, or if they are, they have access to lots of help - Jimmys shelter, but there is also a group called 'Caring for Cambridgeshire's homeless' (look them up on facebook) who go out every night with hot food, drinks, clothes, toiletries etc .

It is never a good idea to give money.

I always thought it best not to give money as know majority goes straight to drugs but the other day A colleague at work said that she gives as she'd rather they used her £1 or whatever for drugs then mug someone or steal etc to get the money - I'd never thought of it that way before

Palomapwar

You sound very sweet but your reaction isn't sensible. You can't tell who is a genuinely in need and who isn't from a brief exchange and to worry so much about someone to the point of crying is an extreme reaction.

If I were you I would have refused to give anything but would have donated something to a food bank or a charity that deals with homeless. Leave it to the people that actually know how best to spend you donation. If you had done that rather than writing a MN thread you might feel better.

Giving directly may give a warm glow to the giver but it's a bad idea. I NEVER give to beggars in the uk. It's a mistake
I

I know my reaction isn't normal. It's not normal for me.
I'm not well off by any means but I'm not broke. I think it was her age that struck me. I was old enough to be her mum.
I suspect it was drugs by the state of her skin.
I just had this realisation that I had the means and ability to turn her life around.
In reality I know it's nowhere near that simple even if I'm right about her. She may not really need or want any help. I can't just bundle her into my car and bring her home. But it was such a visceral feeling that struck me. It just didn't strike me in time to do anything and I feel guilty.
I'm a hormonal, menopausal mess. I just hope this will pass and I can forget her personally while carrying on trying to my little bit in future

I just had this realisation that I had the means and ability to turn her life around

That's a nice thought but I doubt that you do - only she can do that.

Give something to a charity and leave it to them to do what they can to help.

Do you do
Any vol

Sorry if someone’s already mentioned this, try StreetLink. Register what you know about the girl, and someone will try and check on her. You can donate through StreetLink too so you know your money is funding support.

Sorry posted my earlier message by mistake

OP, you sound so distressed. 💐 I'm asking this very gently...what is this really about? It sounds like you have some big stuff going on that I wonder you might be projecting onto this situation?

Agree with above. Many posters have mentioned giving to charity, but you haven’t done that? gently, this seems about you? And a personal feeling? There are many vulnerable kids out there, but this one incident has you very upset about your own stuff?

I gave a donation last night but it didn't make me feel any better.
I wanted to reach this one person not throw it in a pot.
I can't think of any reason why I'm so upset. I know this sort of thing goes on. Maybe it's because I don't see it face to face because I rarely go out to shop? Maybe it's guilt? I have a lot in comparison to my imagining of her life? A comparatively easy life?
DH said it's my wonky hormones.

I have to try to move on.

I think you need to accept that actually even if you had given this girl money and stayed to chat to her, more likely than not she would have continued along her current path. The path to recovery is very complex. Hopefully she will be picked up by Jimmys or something and will begin to accept their help.

I suspect that part of your guilt feeling is because you do think it would have made a big difference for this girl. Sadly that is rarely the case.

And actually all you said to her was no. You didn't criticise her or call her names or anything. Im trying to think where there are travel agents in town. Wherever she was, Cambridge is a very small city so she won't have been far from help if she wants it.

I'm sure you're right Cambridge. But I could have been more pleasant. I'm not rude by nature. I could have said "No, sorry." Then possibly I'd feel better.
If you see her, she reminded me a tiny bit of Mel C Sporty Spice...
I will certainly never speak like that again. It's a good job I'm so far from Cambridge.

I bought a hot chocolate drink for a guy sitting on the street today. He was huddled, eyes closed, and had a couple of cups in front of him with just bronze in.

If we stop giving any money ever at all, young girls will stop being exploited.

Paloma I think you might not realise how often and well aware beggars are of how annoyed ppl regularly get and they are very used to it.

There is help for her out there, Cambridge sounds well supported!
It's very unlikely you could take her in and turn her life around, the reality is very complex.
Try to not feel like this is the end of the world. She was chancing her arm and got rebuffed. You don't even know for sure she was in any bad way, homeless, or anything.
Try to be easier on yourself. You need to forget her.

OP I lived on the streets. I used to beg. I didn't do any drugs but did drink especially in cooler weather as I didn't feel as cold when sleeping. I didn't want to sleep rough but I genuinely had nowhere to go. My step dad wanted me out and by the age of 16 I was out on my arse. I had £15 A bag of clothes and my fags. My friend promised I could stay with her but her boyfriend tried it on with me and I told her. She didn't believe me so threw me out. I went and sat in the bus shelter. I had no idea where to go or what to do. I had no money and my friend cut up my bus pass so I couldn't even get on the bus for warmth. My cousin had said that she missed me and that I could stay with her so I jumped the train to Manchester. I walked from the station to her house 5 miles away. She had moved. That day I wandered around openly crying. The only person to ask me if I was ok was a guy begging with his dog. I told him and he immediately bought me a pastie and brew. I sat down next to him and saw for the first time the pitying stares, the cruel comments (lots of people told him he shouldn't be able to to keep his dog) open disgust and the odd kind person giving money, food and tins for the dog. He told me where I might find a bed for the night and where to get a hot meal. I had nothing except my coat and that was stolen as I showered. I was given a hoodie by a kind volunteer. For the following 5 months I wandered the streets and I begged. I didn't do drugs as many passers by would say to me but I did drink cheap cider. I had to. When you are woken up by a bloke pissing on your stuff or being groped intimately you wish you could block it out. I'm not telling you this to guilt the op or anyone else. (My username comes from something a well to do theatre goer called me. I didn't realise what it meant til I read it in a book.)
Please donate to a charity. I was saved by one. They got me into a hostel, helped me claim benefits and provided me with the stuff needed for job interviews.
Like pp said it won't have been the worst thing she's heard.

Sorry meant to add I found work, went to college to do my GCSEs then A levels. I couldnt decide what to do and remembered how much I appreciated my social worker. So that's what I did. I specialised in working with homeless young people. It's hard but so rewarding. I now lead my own team. We couldn't survive without the help of charities. Donations are appreciated at all times but some people only think to donate around Christmas.

Tatter and Daisychain I feel very for your experiences. The charities work though seems to be the moral, and that's where the money needs to go. Or buying something hot, or giving a life-bag.