I wish I'd given the beggar money.

[palomapear]

Yesterday I was in Cambridge shopping. It's a lovely city. Lots of good shops. Lots of tourists but lots of homeless.
DH and I had just walked out of a travel agent when I teenage girl very nicely said to me
'Excuse me could you give me some money for a cold drink please?'
She had a very blemished face, but maybe not acne?. She looked maybe 15 or 16. She could have been a friend of my DS. I don't notice what she was wearing.
I was so surprised I just said ' No' in a slightly sarcastic tone.
I am totally consumed with guilt. I could easily have given her a few quid. I keep thinking about her and wondering what her story is? And then I cry. I've been thinking about her all the time.
I feel like I want to go back and look for her. Ask her questions. Look after her.
I keep telling myself she may not be genuine but I can't let go I should have done something.
I don't remember ever feeling this upset about this sort of thing. I've seen it all before. I've put stuff in food banks. I've dropped money in cups etc.
Why have I let it hit me so hard? I'm still crying 24 hours later.

Thanks Shriek. There were days I didn't eat unless some kind soul actually gave me food. I would spend money on tobacco and cider. The fact is that mostly it goes on drugs or booze but when you're in that situation it's a crutch. Charities really do spread the money better plus you can donate new socks, underwear and toiletries to shelters. You can give old coats and blankets. Clothing and food. Camping gear. (I'm still in Manchester and there's a community of campers - mostly men. They are the ones literally left out in the cold. It shouldn't be needed but it is).
Just Google homeless charities and your area. Lots of ways to donate will come up.

Buying her a cold drink wouldn't have changed her life. If she was thirsty water is available, a can of drink is nice to have but not an essential. I'm not saying homeless people/beggars shouldn't enjoy treats like that if available, just saying it's not like she crawled in to the gutter and died because of lack of a can of coke.

In the nicest possible way OP, its actually a bit arrogant to think that you are so amazing that just a few £ and words from you and she'd be back on the straight and narrow. If she is homeless and/or on drugs, the problems with her life likely started years ago and possibly generations ago.

Agree with pps, channel your feelings in to donating to a charity or consider volunteer work with a charity in your area.

I think it's the unkindness rather than the not giving her money that's the issue. Where I live there are dozens of homeless people asking for money every day. I do give money but not more than £1 or £2 a day - can't afford it. I'll buy sandwiches too but I have had them refused. I know the arguments about donating through the charities, but in the here and now faced with someone who's obviously having a miserable time I prefer to give directly to them. If I'm not giving money I make eye contact and say "I'm sorry". I think it's important to acknowledge a fellow human being.

Years ago when I was a student I gave a packet of hot chips to a homeless man in Market Square in Cambridge - and he threw them back in my face! Not relevant, I know - but your story brought back the memory after 25 years! OP - it's very natural to be a bit on the back foot when someone approaches you out of the blue and your response reflects that. Sadly, it takes much more than you could have given in that moment to turn someone's life around, but as many other posters have said, you can use this experience to spur you on to supporting the organisations who can help - and next time you will react differently. I felt similar to you when I had a chat one day with a homeless man in a London underground tunnel about his lovely dog - and after we'd parted ways I realised I'd asked the dog's name and not his... Try to forgive yourself - and hopefully the young girl will come across one of the groups working with the homeless in Cambridge. I truly hope so.

I never give to beggars, don’t feel bad OP. Mainly, being honest, I can’t afford it anyway. Also, the minority who take the mick make me suspicious of the majority who probably don’t. Therefore when I can afford it, I would prefer to donate to a charity to which I have an affiliation.

@palomapear I thought of this thread earlier, probably because I heard from Bubbles. You're obviously feeling more emotional than normal and it's found an outlet.

What @CambridgeBlueLight said was absolutely correct, there is a risk inherent in taking someone home. It did flash through my mind (and I live alone and hate having people in my flat) but I just got genuinely lucky with Bubbles, I only needed to keep her in the warm and make her coffee for an hour. She has a sweet nature and I was quite impressed she dialled all the numbers I gave her (PIP/housing).

Other experiences might not be as good.

I go through phases of giving money to homeless people. My dad was homeless and an alcoholic so I know full well what the money goes on in most cases and that it's not exactly ideal to be enabling the situation, however, I reckon I'd also off to buy cheap cider with my pennies if my pillow was a pavement.

@GreenFieldsofFrance Julie Burchill did a really good article about how if you give homeless people money you have no moral right to say how they spend it.

Is your Dad in a better situation now?

@LanguidLobster

Thanks for asking, unfortunately not. He died of his alcoholism a few years back, it was kinder that way, he was tormented by the disease.

Coincidentally I'm supposed to be going to see a talk by Judy Birchell soon! I like her.

*Julie

@GreenFieldsofFrance that's a coincidence! Hope you enjoy it, I'd be interested to hear how it goes.

I know what you mean about it being kinder, I had a friend turn heavily to drink/drugs after his girlfriend was murdered. His heart gave out in the end. He wasn't going to recover. I sat on this and didn't say to anyone but I was thinking 'nothing can ever hurt you again'.

for your dad, no one would choose that if they had the choice.

We have quite a lot of homeless youth in our city and the advice the homeless charities give out (via FB) is not to give them money or food. They don't want homeless people going 'underground' (which they are more likely to do if they have access to money) as they are less visible and then less likely to get support.

There was a BBC documentary about life on the street recently and one couple who were drug addicts said that being on the street allowed them to keep up their habit as they could get up to £80 each on a good day from passersby. The woman said when things were slow she would tell other women she was pregnant as they were more likely to give. They had dc that were in care but said that heroin was their priority, was so sad to watch.

I'm still upset today but not quite as tearful. For my own sanity I need this feeling to pass. It's the guilt I think.
I am going to go back and see if I can see her again. I know it's madness. But I need it out of my system. The problem is I have such little free time and it's over an hours drive it will be ages. I may have a Saturday in December with nothing on the calendar.
I think we all KNOW that giving money to street people isn't the answer but it helps us feel better about ourselves I think.
I agree with others in the thread, who am I to judge what they spend it on? If drugs or alcohol get you through?...
I'm just lucky to have had an ordinary upbringing and to,be able to give my own children a stable life. It should be the same for us all.

OP my kids don't know my past yet but they will. I will tell them because it made me who I am. They are told they are lucky to be born in this country by their grandparents but I just smile as I'm not so sure.

I pressed post too soon and have lots more to say but to be honest it says it all really.

I once gave a beggar some money, he looked at it and shouted "rich bitch"! I'd only given him a quid. since then, I've never given to beggars. We have a beggar sitting outside the local supermarket, my friend gave him some fresh, warm croissants and he said :"oh not another croissant!". Can't win.

Not all "beggars" ( despised being called that ) behave that way. I ALWAYS said thank you no matter what. Like any group in society you get the odd rotten person and as always those are the stories you hear about the most.

OP for me it isn't about judging what they spend their money on, but more my conscience telling me that buying a child drugs/alcohol is never a good thing.