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Original poster

Can't stop thinking about about my baby (may be upsetting)

58 replies

puddingjuly · 04/11/2018 18:41

She died aged 5 weeks almost 20
Years ago from complications due to bronchiolitis.
I've always thought about her but never really spoke about her and not had photos up of her and basically avoided conversation about her.
I've gone on to have more children and I know they know about her but I don't speak to them about her and when people ask how many dc I have I never mention her :(.
My mum every year on her birthday and anniversary puts a post on Facebook and I have to hide it because it makes me cringe (I realise how horrible that sounds).
This year is different I can't stop thinking of her I want to get her stuff out but it's In the loft and I would feel awkward asking my DH to get it.
Last week I googled the consultant who cared for her and emailed him to say sorry for never saying Thankyou properly for the care he gave her and he sent me a lovely email back but I've not told my DH because I feel so weird about it.
She would have been 20 this Wednesday and I feel like all this grief is brand new - I keep wondering who she would have been and I can't tell anyone because they will think I've lost the plot after all theE years.

I think I've kept myself so busy and distant from what actually happened for years And now I don't know what is going on because she is constantly in my head 😢
It sounds weird but it's really starting to distress me that if I start talking about her and stuff people will think wtf.

OP posts:

thereallochnessmonster · 04/11/2018 18:43

Oh, you poor love. Of course people won’t think you’re odd if you want to talk about your daughter now. Perhaps your husband feels the same as you do, and I’m sure your other dc will want to hear about her.

EleanorLavish · 04/11/2018 18:45

They really wont think wtf. If you were my friend I would be very open to listening, talking, helping you in any way I could.
Open that door OP, let the grief out.

Original poster

puddingjuly · 04/11/2018 18:45

Thankyou my husband would be fine speaking about her it's just me I just don't know how to say I'm struggling this year :😢.

Thankyou

OP posts:

OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny · 04/11/2018 18:48

Grief is a strange thing. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone does it differently and people accept this. Nobody will mind you talking about your daughter now, in fact some might feel relieved that they can now talk about her openly too.

I'm sure you DC would love to hear about her as she is part of their family.

Would it help, as a starting point, to tell us about her?

Aqua25 · 04/11/2018 18:49

Ahh hun, if you need to talk about it then talk about it, it shouldn't matter what other people think, she was your daughter you did what was right for you during the grieving process. You are ready to talk about her now and real friends will respect that and engage in conversations about her.
Really sorry for your loss xx

AnyFucker · 04/11/2018 18:50

I am sorry. Talk as much as you like.

haverhill · 04/11/2018 18:52

I’m sorry for the loss of your baby.
Delayed grief is pretty common. It sounds like you’ve avoided thinking about your daughter all these years because it was too painful, but she was always there.
I think you need to accept that you need to work through your grief fully. I would tell your DH how you’re feeling and possibly find a grief councillor too.
I really hope this doesn’t sound trite, but there is a gentle comedy series called Roger and Val Have Just Got In with Dawn French in it. The couple lost their baby son to SIDS 18 years previously and a lot of the story is about how they have coped in different ways - Dawn French’s character basically refuses to discuss it, which causes tension between them. It might be interesting/useful for you to watch..?

Magik1 · 04/11/2018 18:54

Sorry for your loss. As pps have said no one will think wtf, they will want to hear about her. If I was your friend I would be open to listening and I'm sure your friends and family feel the same. Don't hold these emotions in because you're worried about what others think. These are your feelings and you're entitled to have them and express yourself. Be kind to yourself OP, hugs xx

tazzle22 · 04/11/2018 18:54

Its not weird at all to remember s lost child. I sometimes think about my lost sister that i never sctually met as i was only 7 and she never came home... this was in 1960s so no siblings allowed to visit back then.

If its hard to speak to DH about it maybe start with another mum is similar situations. I found a group ealry this year for a friend of mine who lost a baby 30 years ago... i think it was compasionate friends, i will go look.

Maybe then it will give you the courage to talk to your partner. There is no time limit on grief and it sounds as though you missed out on some of it. Have a hug.... i will be back with the detsils .

duckthisshit · 04/11/2018 18:54

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't think that people would think that. As said above grief is a strange thing and close friends and family would probably like to speak about your daughter. I think it sounds like you need it.

Knittedfairies · 04/11/2018 18:54

Talk to us about her; start with her name💐

KittensAndCake · 04/11/2018 18:56

People won't think wtf, they'll think it's taken 20 years because it's so painful. Speak to your DH, get her stuff down from the loft and get it all out in the open.
💐

UrsulaPandress · 04/11/2018 18:56

You poor love. Grief creeps up on us.

Silvercatowner · 04/11/2018 18:58

Poor love. I wonder whether counselling would help you to process and deal with your grief, and to re-introduce your daughter to your family? I would hope that your OH would be supportive. Have you thought about telling him about your feelings and particularly about the email to the consultant?

tazzle22 · 04/11/2018 18:59

Here it is @puddingjuly

www.tcf.org.uk

Do you feel like telling us her name ?

Spudlet · 04/11/2018 18:59

Oh love. I'm so sorry for your loss.

DH and our lovely neighbour were both bereaved in the last couple of years - we lost MiL and neighbour lost her dh. Just today they were talking about how the most unexpected things can make it hit them all over again, and how grief doesn't go away, it just changes over time. I think more people will understand than you might think.

The local hospice here runs bereavement cafes in various locations, they're free and anyone can show up. Perhaps there's something similar near to you?

chinam · 04/11/2018 19:01

Original poster

puddingjuly · 04/11/2018 19:02

Thankyou all will look for the Dawn French programme.

I can't think why it happened I just became determined to carry on everyone kept saying "she will break down here or have a cry then" and I didn't the only time I cried in front of anyone other than my husband was when I met my dad in the hospital corridor and I cried on him.

My mum has photos up of her and I used to want to take them down 😢.

I just want to say sorry to her for putting her to the back of my mind for all these years.

Her name was Hannah- she had a load of spiky brown hair and she smiled once. We used to call her sonic because her hair spiked up.
She was born on Nov 7th and died on December 13th after a week long stay in the ICU as she developed complications from bronchiolitis.

OP posts:

Yogagirl123 · 04/11/2018 19:03

Sending you a hug OP. It’s not strange at all, grief has no timescale.

Spudlet · 04/11/2018 19:06

Hannah is a lovely name. She sounds like a beautiful baby.

Don't feel guilty. You did what you needed to do then, and now you can do what you need to do now. There are no rules on how you grieve. I think Hannah would understand that.

TwoGinScentedTears · 04/11/2018 19:08

Things were different 20 years ago.

Have a look at Glow in the Woods, the most amazing online space for the babylost.

I'm so sorry, for you and for Hannah

AnyFucker · 04/11/2018 19:08

Lovely name

DramaAlpaca · 04/11/2018 19:08

I'm very sorry for your loss

haverhill · 04/11/2018 19:10

Hannah is a beautiful name, it was top of our girls list. She sounds gorgeous., OP.

Original poster

puddingjuly · 04/11/2018 19:10

Thankyou all - will try and talk to my DH. I just find it so awkward and I don't know why.
Thankyou for the links will look into them.

OP posts:

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