Can't stop thinking about about my baby (may be upsetting)

[puddingjuly]

She died aged 5 weeks almost 20
Years ago from complications due to bronchiolitis.
I've always thought about her but never really spoke about her and not had photos up of her and basically avoided conversation about her.
I've gone on to have more children and I know they know about her but I don't speak to them about her and when people ask how many dc I have I never mention her :(.
My mum every year on her birthday and anniversary puts a post on Facebook and I have to hide it because it makes me cringe (I realise how horrible that sounds).
This year is different I can't stop thinking of her I want to get her stuff out but it's In the loft and I would feel awkward asking my DH to get it.
Last week I googled the consultant who cared for her and emailed him to say sorry for never saying Thankyou properly for the care he gave her and he sent me a lovely email back but I've not told my DH because I feel so weird about it.
She would have been 20 this Wednesday and I feel like all this grief is brand new - I keep wondering who she would have been and I can't tell anyone because they will think I've lost the plot after all theE years.

I think I've kept myself so busy and distant from what actually happened for years And now I don't know what is going on because she is constantly in my head 😢
It sounds weird but it's really starting to distress me that if I start talking about her and stuff people will think wtf.

I'd ask your DH to get her things, and perhaps keep it somewhere easier for next time? Even if it is at the back of the wardrobe.

I'm so sorry for your pain. There are far too many of us in the same boat..... so don't ever feel alone

Thankyou all 💐

I'm sorry xx

That reply from the consultant is lovely. I work in paediatrics and it is certainly bittersweet. You never forget the ones that don't make it. I completely understand that he/she remembers Hannah.

So sorry for your loss. And what a beautiful man her consultant sounds. Maybe it’s only now you feel able to talk about Hannah and to see her pictures. I think that totally understandable. It’s such a huge loss and needed a huge time to it to be something you could handle.

Do ask your DH to go up to fetch her things down. You are absolutely not weird and what you are experiencing is absolutely not weird either.

Hannah sounds a gorgeous little girl and you should talk about her with anyone you would like to share your memories with.

Be kind to yourself. Grief can hit anyone at anytime when they’re least expecting it to. for you and your darling Hannah.

Oh OP how hard this must be for you . Grief can be a very funny thing, but it is never too late to openly grieve Hannah and talk about her with your family.

I think it's very common to have your reaction puddingjuly. I make personalised artwork and was asked to make something for a couple who had lost their baby to stillbirth. I showed my 85 year old MIL a photo and she started crying then told me about her baby who she'd lost in 1956 and never spoken about but never forgot. It was absolutely heartrending, but for her in the end it helped because she was finally able to speak about him. Condolences and love to you and your DH.