Can't stop thinking about about my baby (may be upsetting)

[puddingjuly]

She died aged 5 weeks almost 20
Years ago from complications due to bronchiolitis.
I've always thought about her but never really spoke about her and not had photos up of her and basically avoided conversation about her.
I've gone on to have more children and I know they know about her but I don't speak to them about her and when people ask how many dc I have I never mention her :(.
My mum every year on her birthday and anniversary puts a post on Facebook and I have to hide it because it makes me cringe (I realise how horrible that sounds).
This year is different I can't stop thinking of her I want to get her stuff out but it's In the loft and I would feel awkward asking my DH to get it.
Last week I googled the consultant who cared for her and emailed him to say sorry for never saying Thankyou properly for the care he gave her and he sent me a lovely email back but I've not told my DH because I feel so weird about it.
She would have been 20 this Wednesday and I feel like all this grief is brand new - I keep wondering who she would have been and I can't tell anyone because they will think I've lost the plot after all theE years.

I think I've kept myself so busy and distant from what actually happened for years And now I don't know what is going on because she is constantly in my head 😢
It sounds weird but it's really starting to distress me that if I start talking about her and stuff people will think wtf.

Hello,

I think that it is never too late to talk about and remember Hannah, and it's so important to honour her memory. Thank you for sharing a part of her story here.

SANDs offer a telephone and email support line, it doesn't matter how long ago you were bereaved. If you feel like you need to take some steps, that might be a good place to start.

Sending you lots of love 

A big hug for you OP. Could grief counselling help?Please talk to your husband. People won't judge you. So sad for your loss.

This is the email the consultant sent me, I've blocked out names but he was so lovely.

Thank you so much much for your email. I do remember Hannah very well. I can imagine how hard it must have been for you to write such an email, even after all this time. These sort of anniversaries are always difficult, aren’t they?

I retired from clinical work about 6 years ago, after nearly 40 years as a doctor, and I still miss the contact with children and their parents. But your email reminds me that it could sometimes be a very painful job. I am really touched and glad that you took the time to contact me, and glad that you feel that I helped. I hope all is well with you and ——— (and further family?).

With best wishes to you both

oh my!!! Hannah is a beautiful name. You have dealt with what to most,is ..the unimaginable. .You are allowed to feel,say and do whatever feels right,and timely for you.your mum,partner and kids are most likely going to accept this without question.lots of love.xx

Sometimes we push things to the back of our minds to help us cope because facing it is too painful. Hannah sounds beautiful, I’m so sorry for your loss. Maybe now your ready to talk, I hope it helps you find some comfort.

Thankyou all. I think I've controlled it for years and hid it away.
I'm going to tell my husband later that I'm struggling.

Hannah a beautiful name for a beautiful baby. She sounds delicious.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know its fine to talk about your precious little one.
My thoughts are with you. Xx

What a beautiful name for your beautiful girl

My DD2 had bronchiolitis at 10 days and I can remember how utterly terrifying it was, OP. She was a very precious baby after her brother had been stillborn at 26 weeks, she came early and then was so desperately unwell. DH didn't really get the gist of how serious it was and carried on at work, leaving me alone in hospital for nearly 6 days.
To think you lost your darling Hannah that way is heartbreaking.

I find it so very very hard to remember my son. It's nearly 23 years now. And some anniversaries pass by with me barely remembering, others I am so pole axed with grief I can barely breathe all day. And it's like no one remembers anymore but me. It's like a broken ankle... doesn't hurt if you don't walk on it, so it's easier to tuck it away at the back of your mind. Then you feel this horrid horrid guilt for doing so.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve such a profound loss .

She was beautiful- grumpy but beautiful. She was born almost three weeks early and hated everyone except me my DH and strangely enough the next door neighbour, who used to come round and hog her for hours on end. 😊

Lizzie. I'm so sorry.

What a lovely letter from the doctor.

💐 For you and your family. What a beautiful description of your dear Hannah. Your love for her shines through.

You’ve made a brilliant first step in talking about her here op.

How would you feel about writing a letter maybe? It could either be to her or about her, almost writing the story of her life.
I know I struggle to talk about grief out loud so I have found this method very soothing.
You don’t have to show it to anyone if you don’t want to.

What a lovely email from the consultant.

Sending love to you and your family. Talk to your husband and share the memories you have of Hannah.

for you.

Lizzie that is exactly how I feel and I'm so
Sorry for your loss.
Some years I can just carry on but this year especially has taken my breath away with how awful I feel.
Big hugs to you ❤️

Lizzie I'm so sorry for your loss too.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Hannah is a beautiful name and when you described her spikey hair I could just imagine how sweet it looked.

With her birthday coming up, would you feel comfortable taking the opportunity to speak to your mum about it? The fact that she posts on Facebook about it shows she’s still grieving too, and I’m sure if she knew you were upset about it she would want to help and listen.

Maybe you could go for a walk or go to a church and light a candle for her if that was something that might bring you comfort.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss op xxx

So sorry for the loss of your little Hannah. It is a big grief you must have carried for all these years, and I guess it had to come out eventually. It’s a huge step you have made telling us about it here even though we are strangers. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to send you strength and a hug x

This breaks my heart, please speak to your husband and let it all out that's what he's there for. I'm so sorry for your loss. Cherish all the memories, look at photos, get all her stuff down and have a good cry I think that's what you need xx

The pain you must have experienced when losing your precious Hannah is unimaginable.

There is no right way to grieve and there certainly is no time frame. Do what you need to do. If you feel you are ready to talk than do it. Nobody in their right mind would ever be thinking wtf.

I love reading what you have said about Hannah, the way your neighbour used to hog her - made me chuckle. Such precious memories

Hannah is a beautiful name. It means flower in Japanese.

Hannah is a beautiful name

No words but a big hug. Do talk about your little daughter, she is part of your family.