XH and partner becoming foster carers...impact on DD?

[TroubleComesInSmallPackages]

Last weekend XH dropped the news on DD that he and his partner have applied to become foster carers.

We were together for nearly 20 years and I left him 2.5 years ago and subsequently divorced him on grounds of unreasonable (controlling and emotionally abusive) behaviour. DD is 14yo and an only child by choice on both our parts. He got together with his partner before the ink was dry on the divorce petition very soon after we split, and in spite of my sarcasm, she is actually lovely and DD gets on with her well. She has no kids.

XH has told DD that them fostering will have no impact on his relationship with her. She sees him twice a week and doesn't do overnights, which is her choice although he hasn't exactly put himself out to try and convince her otherwise.

I think he's deluded if he thinks this won't impact on DD and overall hasn't a clue what he's letting himself in for. She's already had youth support and counselling around our split and is just about to start her GCSEs and I'm worried sick that it could have a detrimental effect on her wellbeing. She had been upset this week and tried to discuss it with him but he just downplays her concerns as far as I can tell.

He and I are not on great terms so I can't discuss the situation with him parent to parent. Did consider speaking to his partner as we get on ok join the rare occasions we see each other, but I've no idea if he's told her the reasons for our divorce and could end up opening a whole other can of worms. Tbf from what DD says he seems to be a very different character theses days than he was with me

Don't really know what I want from this thread to be honest, maybe some reassurance that I'm not being an over protective nut job and some insight into the process (he has told DD that she, and possibly I, will be contacted during the vetting process) and how to support DD through the inevitable changes in their relationship if anyone's had experience of a similar situation.

An a spignificant ex partner i would epxpect your views would be sought by tge assessing social worker,, so you can raise your worries with them

I think that as part of the process you would be interviewed as you are the mother of his child. I would tell the social worker the truth about your split. I doubt he would get approved to be honest

I wouldn’t be comfortable with them fostering similar age males. Unless she has no contact with the foster kids. I suppose it depends what issues the foster kids have and if their care impacts on DF’s ability to spend time with your DD.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be approved if i told them some of the things that went on.

He did get some anger management therapy after I left in an attempt to change my mind, but I'd taken too much for too long by then. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done and I knew that if I went back and he started his antics again I probably wouldn't be strong enough to do it a second time.

He does appear to have changed dramatically with his GF, but I really don't know him anymore and will say as much if I'm contacted. I will probably lose the mutual friends I have left in the process as people will no doubt think I'm being a vindictive bitch with a chip on her shoulder if I'm not supportive.

I also feel for his GF who has no kids of her own and would probably be a great foster mum.

DD is my no 1 priority though. We've had an incredibly tough few years and she has come out of it as an amazing young woman. I can't bear the thought that the impact of this could throw her off course at this stage.

This might help:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/fostering/3331950-Do-you-have-to-supply-reference-for-an-ex-partner-willing-to-foster

Sputnik he only sees her for 5-10 hours a week as it is and they don't do overnights. DD's choice but I feel he could have made much more effort wrt repairing their relationship.

If there's a child living with them (I'm told they will have to be younger than DD) there is inevitably going to be more involvement with them than he had with his own daughter.

What is going to happen if he's due to see DD and there is a crisis with the foster child? Not to mention all the day to day commitments. I don't know if the intention is for his partner to be primary career while he continues to work f/t or if he is planning to give up his job, which from a selfish pov, will impact us financially.

I come into contact with looked after children through my work and have seen the work and potential issues involved. After my initial shock, I've been trying to stay calm and put a positive spin on it for DD, but I cant see how this will not affect her in some way.

He was never remotely interested in having other children and certainly wouldn't have even considered this previously and it feels like he's trying to replace DD. I can't talk to him as he will no doubt blame me for 'taking his daughter away from him'.

I mean this gently and kindly, but I think you need to rid yourself of the notion that a foster child is or could be a replacement for your dd.

I realise that Monica...but what it will feel like to a 14yo who has already been rejected by half her dad's family because she lives with the mum that calked him out on his behaviour and left him is a different matter.

If he’s really a bad person then I think saying so is sensible if asked. But if he wasn’t then I think fostering is lovely and I’m not sure I see the issue with him having a daughter with someone else. I’m not in that position though so I reckon I may not understand how it feels.

I realise that your dd will have her own feelings and concerns, but (to some extent at least) she is likely to take her cues from you. If you think of any foster child as a potential replacement, she may pick up on that. It’s worth remembering that fostering, especially if it’s short term respite, is very different to adoption.

I think you need to separate out the issues of (1) whether you have genuine concerns about his suitability as a foster career based on his past behaviour, anger management etc and (2) your opinion of the impact this will have have on your daughter. With the best will in the world he is her parent and it is up to him how she is patented when she is with him, including whether that involves a foster child.

You should make sure your DD knows she can be totally honest with the social worker when her views are sought, including if the idea makes her uncomfortable. I do of course appreciate that this could be seen as "coaching" her to spite your ex.

It will have an impact, but not necessarily negative.
Seconding the opinion that he won’t get approved if you tell ss the truth. It doesn’t mean you are being vindictive and unsupportive. Children in care need careers who are not emotionally abusive.

Jean you are absolutely right about separating out the issues.

I genuinely want DD to have the best relationship possible with her dad, however this pans out. They've come a long way and we have all been so fortunate wrt his new partner who has been nothing but warm, caring and respectful of DDs feelings from the outset, without overstepping any boundaries, so whatever happens I will do my best to support their relationships with DD.

As for his suitability...God that's tricky. I was scared of him by the time we left and DD was aware of what was going on and on the receiving end a couple of times (think - in general - sulking and withdrawal of affection that could last for weeks, throwing things around, stomping about and slamming doors under the guise of 'tidying up', putting me down and making me feel that I was walking in eggshells and nothing I did was ever good enough. There were a few physical threats and accusations of infidelity towards the very end which DD was unaware of).

That aside, and as weird as it sounds, he has always had a lot more patience with vulnerable people - small children, the elderly and those with special needs - then with 'average' NT people. Without going into too much detail, he and his partner would be ideal foster carers on paper and I can imagine him being pretty good at short term respite care.

As far as I'm aware he is a much calmer person now so perhaps he was right and he doesn't have anger issues now I'm not there to piss him off so much but I don't really know him any more and will say as much if I'm contacted.

One of DDs fears is that it will put pressure on his relationship with his partner, particularly if he did turn it to be unable to cope, and that they might split up as a result as she's really fond of her.

Why is your daughter worrying about his relationship? That’s quite odd and I’m guessing she is picking up a lot from you. I’m sorry, but if you say he has changed then I’m not sure why he can’t be given a chance to help a small child out or help their family out with respite etc. Your daughter has chosen not to stay overnight and to only see her father twice a week. So I’m not sure why her being his daughter has anything to do with them fostering. What if he was to decide to have another child with the woman naturally? I just don’t understand (aside from genuine concerns) why it even matters if he were to foster, adopt or have his own.

DD hasn't really had a chance to pick anything from me...I work fulltime and we've had stuff on in the evening so we certainly havent spent the last week handwringing about it. She came home worried and somewhat upset last weekend as the news was something of a shock.

We've briefly chatted on a couple of occasions and although she's aware I also have my reservations about the potential impact on her, I've also encouraged the 'it's early days, let's just see what happens' approach as far as possible.

I find it hard to believe that most people in my position wouldn't have some questions/concerns about how it was all going to work.

Fwiw the possibility of it affecting XHs relationship hadn't even occurred to me until DD mentioned it.

Obviously DD has had plenty of experience of how he behaves (or used to) under pressure.

Adopter here. Unlikely that you will be interviewed, however you will be asked to write a reference. Having said that, your ex may say that you are likely to give a bad reference and it may not be taken into consideration (I say this as my ex was contacted during adoption process and he is very bitter and they approved us for adoption despite him probably giving a bad reference. )

Your daughter is likely to be interviewed though so will be able to give her views then.

Ps you’re better off posting on the fostering board

What do you actually want to happen?
That he doesn't pursue fostering?
He is allowed to move on.
There is nothing to suggest dd s arrangements will change substantially . Yes it might be different but doesn't mean all bad.
Yes any kind of situation can arise whereby an arrangement changes.
As she gets older anyway the arrangements may change.
It may turn out to be positive experience
Deal with any specific issues as they arise.
If she gets on with the ex s partner she can talk to her.

Thank you Bold that's really helpful. It's useful to have some insight from someone who knows about the process.

I wouldn't give him a bad reference. It's been 2.5 years and we speak at Parents' Evening and in relation to birthday and Christmas arrangements if we absolutely have to. That aside I've seen him at a couple of social occasions where we've said hi and otherwise done our one thing.

He wasnt all bad when we were together (but when he was bad he was awful). From what I hear he appears to be a different person now, as am I. I don't feel I'm qualified to comment on his suitability and that is all I would say on the subject.

I've got no desire to stop him/them from doing this if that's what they want, I just don't want it to impact negatively on my own daughter. She's been through enough already.

Deal with any specific issues as they arise.

I know, I know ...easier said than done though, and I agree that it's possible there will be some positives too.

The thing is, if he and his new partner had a baby that would impact on your DD too.

But your DD could also 'benefit' from them fostering in terms of younger sibling-like relationships etc.

The country needs more good FCs, if they are willing and will be good then it would be great if your could work together to minimise any negative impact on your DD.

DD said she'd actually be less weirded out if they were having a baby.

It's a lot to take in. I guess one step at a time and fingers crossed is the only way to go.

I am eternally grateful to the FCs of my now DDs. They gave them such care and stability … and then had to let them go.

So I am biased towards FC!

Teen please don't get me wrong. I am not anti foster care at all. My parents were evacuees so in a similar situation themselves and then my dad & uncles ended up in kids homes. I am all for anything that means kids that need it get the best care possible.

I'm not even against XH doing it. It's just been a shock as it's so not like the person he was when he was with me, and I'd like to understand more about what's involved and how it will work in the context of his relationship with DD.